In-laws & parenting

[NbCH25]

Advice please as I feel like I am going crazy!

i have a 10 month old son who is my first baby. I suffer with quite severe postpartum anxiety and depression and probably like any other first time mum worry a lot about their little ones.

my in laws help me out a lot when my partner works away for work which I am so grateful for. However I have found with this my boundaries are constantly being ignored and tested. When my boy was 10 days old he had RSV and bronchiolitis admitted to hospital. I am a big advocate for not kissing other peoples babies and have had that boundary in place since I was pregnant. My parents respect it however my partners parents don’t. They continue to kiss my baby despite being told multiple times not too. The annoying thing is they do it only when my partner is away at work and there’s only me. When he is home with us they don’t it so it’s like they know not to do it but respect his wishes and not mine.

the next thing is they have a little patterdale dog who is 2 years old. She can be snappy so I’m very anxious around her when my son is there. We have a 5 year old Labrador who we adore but we also know is still a dog so we never leave them alone together and my son always wants to grab him but we never let him as I’m just too anxious (even tho my lab is the softest dog ever again he is still an animal). However they were holding my son today and practically pinning their dog down so he could “grab” her because they thought it would be funny. I even said “don’t do that” to my son and moved his hands but my in laws still persisted it would be fine. The dog looked uncomfortable and I kept making it clear I was uncomfortable I even said “I’m on edge I don’t trust her I don’t think she likes it” and my partner was also there today and told them to stop it and yet they still did not listen. We are both “shy” people and hate confrontation and struggle to say no and be direct with people. Nothing happened the dog didn’t do anything but I just feel so frustrated I was in tears when I got home because I constantly feel like my boundaries are pushed. This is only 2 of the things that have happened there has been a lot of other things too. - such as weaning we give my baby 3 meals a day plus snacks and he still has 3 8oz bottles of formula. We had a picky tea at their house today so there was a lot of “processed” foods there so I made sure I brought some homemade dinner for my son. Anyway he ate his food but is always intrigued to what we eat and because today he couldn’t have what we were having due to the salt etc my in-laws made 8/9 comments basically indicating I don’t feed him and that they feel sorry for him because I won’t give him that type of food. Im really struggling with this and their comments/ pushing boundaries. Does anyone have any advice :( x

I think the issue is (for me, as an outsider) that you are mixing up very real risks and not being angry enough about those (the dog) with non issues (kissing a ten month old baby or letting them have a nibble of a crisp at picky tea). It undermines their belief in your boundaries as they lump them all with you being unreasonable. I'm not saying you are, it's not where I'd draw my lines in the sand but you have and that's fine. The issue is they don't respect them. So I would let a lot go and focus on the hard nos around safety.
The dog. He doesn't touch their dog, they are not together, they have a room divider or she is in a separate room. I'm a dog behaviourist - people think they can intervene when it starts to go wrong. You can't. It's too late. When it goes wrong it goes wrong fast, and a bite won't be preventable. The only way to prevent it is excellent management in advance.
Other safety issues such as cutting grapes long ways and car seat safety are non negotiables.
With these they comply or you have to sacrifice their help because it is endangering your son. But other stuff I'd try to let it go. I'd write a list of your top five rules and let them know so that there's no "confusion". Good luck.

Your in-laws are adding to your anxiety so their 'help' is really counter-productive. I think you would be more relaxed without them constantly in your home when your husband works away. They don't respect you as a mother and ignore your requests.

They sound like unbearable know-it-alls.

It's a tough one. I think the kissing (especially at 10 months) and the processed food (when the diet is usually healthy) are total non-issues. The dog is a BIG issue. So by being so incredibly anxious, it's probably difficult to assert yourself but also for people to take you seriously.

You need some anti depressants to level out a bit and also probably dial down the "help" if it's not actually helping. Your child, your rules, ultimately, but if the rules are so strict, you're better off keeping to yourself until baby is older and you sort out your mental health issues.

I think you need more help with your anxiety before you destroy a relationship which is good for you and your DC. There are no examples here, in ten months, where anything bad actually happened to anyone (other than you getting upset, which is a symptom rather than a normal reaction). Your DC is having a lovely, safe babyhood - well done.

You are making a good choice in having them involved in raising your DC while you are struggling to do so. They sound loving and capable. The dog thing might have been bad if it wasnt reliant on your judgement, which I think is still being affected by your PND, so hard to gauge the actual situation.

Grandparents are going to give kisses and treats, especially if they are heavily involved and helping with the parenting. These are not boundaries in the conventional sense as you're attempting to control everything, even things that it isn't reasonable for you to control. The fact nobody minds is a sign that they understand and care about you. It's great you can reflect on this in a safe and loving environment as otherwise parenting is going to be incredibly stressful and joyless for you. The first birthday parties are on the horizon, so start coming to terms with your DC having cake or ice cream. DC will also be on the move soon and probably putting things in their mouth, that have been in another toddler mouth. Work out how you are going to cope with this in a way that doesn't affect your DC or you disproportionately.

Being with children or grandchildren is meant to be joyful, a grandparent being genuinely happy to see you is worth so much more than can be cancelled out by the odd chicken nugget. Think about what you would lose if everyone had to defer to you at all times, all the spontaneity and natural loving interactions.

Take care, take the help and support you need, it sounds like a lot of people love you and with a little more medical help you can start enjoying parenting more yourself.

Thank you. For context with his food he has had stuff like pizza, ice cream etc on separate occasions and even this morning we had a English breakfast and we gave him some sausage & hashbrown along with his scrambled egg so it’s not like he doesn’t have treats. I’m just abit more cautious with food at their house as they tend to add extra salt.

I do have an appointment booked with my GP regarding my PND and anxiety as it’s getting me down.

thank you for the advice tho it is nice to hear these things from a outsider perspective