I feel like I'm trapped in the house.

[AnonymousMum38]

Until this morning, our children, DS13 and DD9 hadn't left the house in a week.

Yesterday we tried to go into the centre, which was my son's choice, and it looked like this (not unusual at all, most times we leave the house are a version of this)....

It took over 2 hours to get everyone to get dressed etc, then DS13(no known SEN, on a waiting list for CBT for mild anxiety) just didn't come down. He does nothing while everyone else gets ready and gets annoyed if we prompt him. Then as we are all ready coats etc he says he needs the loo, stays in the bathroom for up to an hour, then back to his room, I check in and he then says he's still getting dressed.. has no socks... he puts on a sock and then I come in 20 minutes later and he's putting on the second one. Leaves the room and then says he fell asleep (He wasn't asleep. He was sat on the stairs with his eyes closed but clearly not asleep). I've tried leaving him to his own devises and he does nothing. I've tried reminding and helping and I get accused of nagging and he says he isnt coming if we pressure him as he can't cope with the pressure.

I finally got DD9 (autistic, no learning disabilities) out for a walk for 10 minutes this morning but she moaned the whole time, cried that her brother wasn't there, that her ear hurt from the cold, that her legs ache, that we walk too fast.. etc etc.

I'm losing my mind. I just want us to go out as a family sometimes. DS gets himself up and ready for school every morning so he can do it!

I just feel like a right mug standing by the door in a coat and shoes for over an hour on the regular just waiting, and if I get annoyed (after 30+ minutes usually) I'm the bad guy and they say that's why they don't come!!

DD screams and cries whenever she feels people are cross, and so we're constantly trying not to react but for example, she'll insist she's ready and waiting for us, but will not have shoes on.. I give them to her and she gets cross saying "I was doing that already" (she wasn't) and then get distracted and be hanging upside down off the banister. I'll hand her a toothbrush with toothpaste on it and she'll stare at it for 10 minutes, if I say brushyour teeth she says "I Am!" I said "you're just holding it" and she said "oh mummy says I'm not allowed to hold my toothbrush, how can I brush my teeth then" and the rubber bands it to a pen and attempts to brush them without touching the toothbrush.

Everything is a delaying tactic. Everything they say is a lie and then they gaslight me by saying "I was just doing it!!" "I'm already doing it" "oh, I'm not allowed to go to the toilet am I?!" "Oh you don't want me to wear shoes??"

They both often say they want to come to things, or at least agree to come, but then just... Don't.

I'm going insane and I need help.

It sounds extremely difficult.

I think I'd try outlining the day before what will be happening the next day.

Going over it again in the morning and telling them 'we will be leaving at X time'.

Giving them reminders as the time counts down, but not nagging about specific jobs.

I'd make a visual checklist for the 9 year old, probably with velcro so she can take each thing off as she does it.

I'd leave at the set time regardless of whether they are ready or not. DS can be left at home. DD needs to come but if she's by the door with no shoes on then she comes with no shoes on (she can bring them with her to put on in the car) or on her pyjamas or without brushed teeth. Just go.

A friend of mine used to tell the children what was happening and state clearly the time everyone was required to leave the house. Lots of reminders and prompts, plus assistance with dressing if needed. If a child was not ready and late, say by 10 minutes, next time they wanted to be somewhere (eg brownies, a friend's birthday party) they made the child wait ten minutes before leaving the house and explained why. Actions have consequences and this needs to be gently reinforced.

That's horrible. Not gentle at all, just purposefully mean. Miss your friends party because you weren't ready to go shopping. Horrid.

Wouldn't surprise me at all if DS was also autistic OP, it tends to run in families and what you've said of his behaviour is very typical.

It sounds like they're both pretty anxious tbh, I don't think they're lying or gas lighting you at all - at the time they like the idea of doing the activity, it is safe because it is far away. Then it's time to go and they are completely overwhelmed by the reality of it. It's completely typical IMO. You can't expect a 9 yr old girl and
13 year old boy to want to do the same things either. I'd say they both have a 30 minute walk outside each day as part of their routine (routine helps hugely) and then they don't have to do too much else out if they don't want to - what 13 year old wants to go out with their mum anyway? 13 can walk alone if they like or walk with you and dd.

When they are 'gas lighting' I'd say it's probably a combination of slow processing and that processing being considered as part of doing it by them. Partly caused by the anxiety of you standing over them or 'going on' at them. You really need to reframe your thinking about what their doing IMO. I also think you need to not be standing over them quite so much, just remind them from a distance and give them the space and time to do it - just make sure they have plenty of time to do things and give them plenty of warnings before they need to go anywhere or change activities - transitions are often difficult and the more pressure you put on things the more anxious and slower they will be.

I think you have to dwell on the good stuff here - they are getting ready and going to school, that is great! It's routine and it probably works for them. Then there's the weekend and holidays the routine is gone and they're all discombobulated. A clear routine at the weekend/holidays will really help - they may take a bit of time to adjust but once they get used to it, it will help. BUT it's not a suitable routine if they go somewhere different every week - that's not routine. And it's probably not going to work going to crowded, loud busy places - the overwhelm will be too much.

Work out where they genuinely like going and stick to those places most of the time, accept your 13 year old might not want family days out any more, encourage some independence in him instead - at a pace he is comfortable with. Remember there is not much point trying to force fun days out on either of them if they don't want to do them.

I think the best thing you could do though is learn about ASD OP so you don't take their behaviour as a personal vendetta to try and ruin your life. Oh and every now and then bribery can help them 'enjoy' things that you really want/need to do.

I get it, my oldest is autistic, never wants to leave the house and I quite often feel trapped. Sometimes I find organising meeting a friend of theirs can help, they will be excited to meet the friend and that gets them out. Some days I have to give up as sometimes he runs away down the road and I can’t catch him, then it starts getting dangerous. Some days he can be reasoned with and compromise if I say ‘we will go out for a little while today but tomorrow we will stay home’

Can you do something like give them a favourite bag of crisps whenever they’ve successfully left the house? That can give weekend outings an element of routine and safety, even when the destination changes, and is a little motivator to get their tasks done quickly.

The OP asked for advice.
I offered a solution which was very effective for friend's in the same situation
It is down to the OP decide what advice to take and what to ignore.
It is not down to you to police other people's suggestions.

With no know SEN or anything, I would honestly not be putting up with this!
you need to set firm boundaries around what is happening and what time you are leaving.
i would not tolerate a 13 yr old dictating my schedule.

Look up PDA and low demand parenting. Offer choices rather than demands and timings. Use Alexa to give timings as pda and similarly demand avoidant kids often respond better to that. If it’s not demand avoidance it could be social anxiety and therapies like CBT, breathing exercises and tapping can help. Wishing you luck. The main thing is to advocate for them. Empathise, their feelings are real.