What is more important when raising older children?

[mwienn197]

Hi , just a post really looking for advice. Wondering if I can learn from somebody who has already or is in the process of raising teenage children.

I am really stuck on what to do.

for context I was brought up on a council estate that had a high crime rate. Lots of drugs, gangs and anti social behaviour.

I have been fortunate enough to be in a position to move to a nice part of Cheshire and have raised my kids there so far they are 7&8 year old girls. I am trying to think about the future and what they’ll need as teenagers.

We are in a very small 2 bed new build right now and my kids share a room. as I am in social housing there are not many options for me to get a bigger place in the current area that I am in. My children are asking for their own rooms.

i am really considering moving a little bit closer to the city as there are more housing options and it’s where all my family are but it’s still within driving distance to my daughters schools about 25 minutes. ( our current school run is about 20 mins)

the dilemma I have is, right now we are In a nice area good location and low crime rate. However my daughters do not have their own space. Not many 3 bedrooms come up in our area we could be waiting years.

the other option is to move closer to the city where the crime rate is a bit higher , it’s not as nice of a location but not terrible. There’s more housing options and I’ve had quite a lot of interest for a mutual exchange in some of these areas and the houses are ex council so much larger.

I am torn between staying in a really lovely area but being really cramped in a small house and my children having to share until they move out or love to a different area that isn’t as nice to give my family some more space.

right now my girls are still very young and enjoy sharing but I am starting to notice a lot more fighting and the girls displaying a need for their own space.

in the opinion what is more important ? I’d love to hear stories of anyone who’s been in this position or if you’ve had regrets leaving a better area or vice versa.

thank you on advance xx

Youve got time,theres no need to rush into a decision yet.
I would wait and see.
I shared a room with my suster until i left home at 24.
My DC has also shared rooms at various points.
Truthfully its better for each DC to have their own room/space, makes life more harmonious but given your DC are same sex,close in age and no disabilty then it is defintely survivable.
Getting them into a good secondary school is importnant so dont move until this is achieved- admission criteria does change.
Once youngest DC is in secondary school look at housing swap.
Teens like being able to walk places /travel independently,this will make your life easier too!
Not sure if you are rural atm?
However also consider YOU.
Once DC move out would you have option to move back to your preferered location?
Or is it a case your location is desirable (which is why its fairly easy to swap atm) but doing a swap the otherway may be hard?
Also would you be able to live in larger house if benefits were cut(bedroom tax etc)
When you are in it childhood seems to go on forever but truth is in about 10 years time they could be at uni.
My best advice is try and ditch the mum guilt (easier said then done!)
Whatever you decide it will be fine because the most important thing in raising DC is having good parent(s)and a loving secure home and it sounds like they have this in abundance.

Either your medium to long term aim is for you and/or DH to career change into a higher earning career and aim to buy or rent a larger house - maybe a shared ownership?

Or maybe you could post your and your kids bedroom layouts or even feed them into chatGPT to come up with some ideas on room separation? I get some great ideas from there

You've got time left until theyre 15/16 and having single bedrooms is a relatively new thing, for most of the time previously children have had to share especially same sex siblings
Do you have a separate dining room or any room downstairs? A shed you could upgrade into a space? Room in the garden for a garden office type structure as a separate chill zone?

I would stay in a nice area if there's nice other kids and extra curricular activities around you - if you have to drive all the time to a different area for clubs and activities and school then I think your kids will be making friends mostly around that area and wanting to go out to town etc.. so I can see why moving there would be better.
Their friends are the most important than their area imo so it really depends where their closest mates end up being from and what their parents are like

We had a similar issue when our girls were younger.
We had to find a new house, and as we were coming to the end of the Covid era, we had spent a lot of time at home in our small 3 bedroom (we have 2 girls, who share and a boy).
Because the girls had always shared, we felt bad about them not having their own space as they were young teenagers... so we looked at moving to a cheaper area so we could afford a bigger house.
In the end, it was largely the girls decision - to stay in the same area, near their school and their friends and carry on sharing a room.
We bought a 3 bedroom with a room that was slightly larger, and set it up so they had their separate corners. They have always managed the space well, even though one is very ordered and tidy and the other is a chaos magnet. They give each other space when needed, and I think it has genuinely helped them become the considerate and adaptableyoung women they are now.
They are 18 and 19 now, and one is at uni (but is back a lot) and dd1 said having to share a small space has prepared her well for sharing a space at uni, in her tiny room in halls... and although dd2 likes having a bit more space when dd1 is away, she loves it when she's back and I can hear them chatting in their room.

The area I grew up definitely had more of an impact on my life than the time I had to share a bedroom with my sibling. I was led to believe a certain way of life was the norm and aspired to live a similar life really. I had to move to a totally different part of the country as a late teen and it changed the trajectory of my life considerably.

Manage the situation with rooms as it happens, give them options of privacy and time alone as/when it becomes needed. I do think there are some benefits to room sharing anyway but MN is very against it.
If you can find a bigger 2 bed you can easily split a room as well.

The current room you have, can you fit a single bed longways in the grove by the door? If so, you could put a bed by the window and one in the grove with an IKEA box unit through the middle so they have their own 'side'

It was/is common for siblings to share a bedroom. I shared with my sister until I left home at 18. No harm came to me. I would have liked my own room, of course, but it wasn’t an option, so I just had to accept it. It never occurred to me to resent my parents for the position we were in (also social housing).
In your situation, I would carefully think about the public transport options. For at least one year, you will have children in two different schools, so it’s likely the older one will have to use public transport. When your girls are older and in their teens, they will want more independence to go out with friends, etc, so access to public transport will be an important consideration.

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Area and antourage are a lot more important. You can be a lovely, caring, honest, hardworking parent but they are more influenced by their school mates after a certain point.

Stay where you are.

My nieces are now 15 and 17 and are still sharing, a pretty small room by some standards. They are fine and while there is a lot of bickering, there is also a lot of closeness. Their parents had to make a similar decision to you and they decided to keep them in the good school and good area which has really paid off.

Do you have a garden? Can you create a space out there that they can hang out in? I did this and my boys love it, it’s only a small shed (9x7ft) and I’ve insulated it, put carpet in and ran an outdoor electric cable in. It’s given us all a nice space to hang out and the kids just use the bedroom to sleep now.

I have almost gone through the teen years, youngest will be 18 next year. Personally I think that having their own rooms and space will become very important to them, but it is not that important right now, so you have a long time to make changes. If the area you are considering isn't too bad I wouldn't rule it out, but I might just see it as a future plan. I expect that they will not change their friends if you are going to continue taking them to the same school. I would want to make sure they had a decent school for secondary though.