Son choosing to stay with dad

[Mbmbbb]

DS is 16 and is increasingly staying with his dad having been with us 50/50 since divorce nearly 6 years ago. Son has had a fair few problems, currently has a significant mental health issue.

I so miss him. He was here regularly and now he isn’t much at all. This has all come about in the space or a couple of months and coincides with a marked worsening of my sons mental health condition:

He only seems to call or come here when he wants something material right now.

Secondly, I worry he is basicslly receiving not much adult input at his dads and maybe his dad is ignoring his mental health issue and this really concerns me. FWIW, dad has implied I am causing my son’s MH condition by ‘watching over’ him. I am not, but I also won’t just let my son suffer in front of my eyes and ignore it.

Thirdly I think my son is very likely being manipulated to stay at his dad’s house more often, because his dad wants to reduce maintenance payments for his daughter who lives entirely with me and is completely estranged from her dad. It has been an absolute battle to get even half of the CMS due out of him, and when I asked for increased private maintenance … my son suddenly doesn’t want to come here as much.

I know what to do practically - keep doors open, keep in touch, do fun stuff, etc.

But how the fuck do I manage my emotions and worry about my poor son’s MH?? I feel like I’m going mad :(

It sounds awful for everyone m, poor kids with warring parents.

We aren’t warring. I use grey rock - walk away, dont engage except by email. Not a lot more I can do 🤷‍♀️. What should I do??

At 16 he's made his choice for the moment. If you have valid concerns about his mental health then you can contact his head of year at school, or you can contact his mental health practitioner (though if he's withdrawn consent they won't tell you anything) Other than that it's just keeping the channels of communication open with your ds because at 16 no one is going to make him return to you.

@Lightuptheroom youre right of course. I’ve been in contact with the school previously and they have offered help. Problem is he doesn’t want it - but at least we know it’s there if he changes his mind.

It’s just very hard to seen him go and cope with the change. I love having him here, he is a really nice kid, we have some lovely chats, and we have lots in common.

Ridiculous comment ffs

Hello,

I am going through the same with my 16 yr old son, where his father is very manipulative. Ive decided to let him choose at as he is 16, and just be there emotionally for him as he wont get that from the Dad. There are lots you can still do to help him mentally even if he is not living with you. Can you take him to the GP, get him referred to CAHMS? Pay for private therapy for him?

It's so painful, but they usually realise the grass isn't always greener on the other side eventually (I also have an adult daughter. Xx

You might find you son prefers his Dads hands off approach and giving him space

I'm a single parent and I have a son who is 15

I've found that backing away and giving him a lot more space, allowing him to say no to things he does not want to do

Has given a lot better results

Also it might just be a bit of a phase he is going through, I would not read that much into it long term

But ensure he has space

This sounds so hard. I think the main things are exactly as you say - keep conversation open etc etc.
From what I’ve heard from my husband and his friends, teenage boys quite often fall out with their dads, so he may be home sooner than you think! He is likely enjoying the additional freedom that dads always give but it may well be that there comes a time that he realises he needs his mum again. Or maybe he is more independent and this won’t happen.
How much is he with you - is he permanently at Dad’s? If so could you arrange to meet for eg Sunday dinner once a meet so you are seeing him socially on “adult” terms outside the house and having a really good 1:1 chat? That might really help keep the relationship going. xx

Thanks for your responses everyone. I am a bit less worried now as he seems to have moved to longer stints at each house - which I don’t mind if it suits him, but oh god the catering, I never know what to buy in when 😂. I think he just does not do well moving between houses and I totally get that.

Son is now actually receiving therapy so that’s good.

Dad is making noises about me paying maintenance to him which adds another dimension but for now I have the child benefit claim and there is actually no evidence of a move away from 50-50, so…

What do you mean? If he’s at his dads more dad obviously needs the child benefit and maintenance, hopefully you’ve been doing that while son was mostly at dads?

Why don't you want Dad to have the child benefit if son is there more, surely that money is for your sons upbringing?

No, you’ve misunderstood: around Christmas he was there a lot. Then he came to my house for the best part of 5 weeks, one week at dads, then two at mine -again, that sort of thing. Of course I would pay maintenance if there was an actual shift away from 50-50, but it does not seem that way. We have agreed to track it for some months to establish.

Dad is very difficult about maintenance for his daughter by the way, and I foolishly agreed to let him off half the CMS minimum and not go through the CMS. For two years plus. This has in effect cost me around £7k. The agreement was he would not go to CMS abd we would make an equivalent agreement should my son’s residence change. He previously tried to get my son to stay more at his explicitly so he could avoid paying “as much” for his daughter. He told her this directly.

So, you will understand why I am both wary and annoyed he is now immediately raising the spectre of full CMS ;)

And I should also mention I have not mentioned this matter (maintenance) at all to my son. I saw the negative effect on DD of being made to feel financially or responsible for anything at all!