Overwhelmed and exhausted, am I doing something wrong??

[babyboymam]

two darling children, 3 year old and a 7 month old. Neither sleep all night. My 3 year old is really demanding, if he’s not hungry he needs a wee, if he’s not tired he wants me to play, he’s lovely just very demanding!

my 7 month old will only go down for her first nap of the day, and wakes several times at night. Other than that she’s quite happy but is a baby and obviously needs me for everything (struggling to stop breastfeeding her at the moment!)

My partner and I are just finding things hard. I’m on mat leave, he works full time, were both exhausted.

Our family are great but seem to have had a much easier parenting journeys than ours, I don’t know if it’s just a lapse in their memory or if it was somehow easier. For example, my mother will say things like “aw you used to just go down in our bed for naps and I’d clean the house while you slept!”. They don’t ever offer to have the children for us to have a break. If we ask them they will have our 3 year old but it’ll only be for a short time and my 7 month old can’t be fed by anyone but me yet so can’t be handed over to family.

I can’t help but feel I’m doing something wrong as every man and his dog seem to be smashing parenting, even with smaller age gaps. I guess I’m looking for some words of reassurance things will get easier? That other people are in the same boat? that this is normal??

from one tired mama xx

Comparison is the thief of joy as they say. I think there’ll be a fair few parents (especially on SM) who will only show the good bits and not the toddler tantrums, food refusal and baby sleep struggles. My DD is 2 and still won’t sleep through the night, nap independently or eat anything that isn’t baked beans or yoghurt. It is hard when you see other kids the same age who appear to just pick these things up seamlessly. I found the nap thing and lack of eating the hardest and most frustrating but I think with time just had to accept it and realise they’re all phases. I guess what I’m trying to say is things will get easier and try not to pay too much heed to those who make out that everything is so easy and dandy with their babies and toddlers because chances are there’ll always be something that isn't. Plus I always find the older generations think they did everything better when it came to parenting and always have some (usually unwelcome) wisdom to share so I just got used to nodding and smiling and just doing things the way I saw best. I hope it eases for you soon

It’s an intense age. I had a similar age gap with my two and it was great but very intense. I remember feeling touched out all the time and I wanted some time where little people weren’t constantly touching me.

I think grandparents look back on things with rose tinted glasses. My now ex mil used to say that my exh only woke up in the night on the first night they got home from hospital, and after that he slept through all night every night. I just don’t believe it. Even my mum who is great doesn’t remember my tantrums as a child (and I definitely had them).

I’m a single parent now but my advice would be to divide and conquer when you can. So one day your partner takes one child out and you take the other and the following weekend you swap. When you have 2 small kids, any time with just one feels like a holiday.

Oh I could have written this. I also have a 3 year old and a 7 month old! And dealing with the same issues. 3 year old is intense and has at least 1-2 tantrums a day, when she is in a good mood she is the sweetest but otherwise can be very naughty and also stop me from looking after the baby. Baby is so sweet, however doesn’t sleep at night either and wakes up so so so many times. I breastfed my first for 2 years and not planning on anything else with him but my eldest did sleep better once I stopped (but of course she was 2yo already). The 3 year old used to sleep all night but now wakes up at 12-3 and comes to my bed - so I have them both. I am exhausted!!!
I really think people mainly forget about these challenges as they are all phases and it passes, that is why it seems like everyone had it easier but if you are living through it you can understand. Can you socialise with other mums with children sameish age? It’s hard I have no family or friends to look after them but it will be over sooner than expected and then I will be looking back at it with rose tinted glasses. Hug!

I only have a 3.5 year old and let me tell you I can't imagine having a baby on top of him. He is so demanding! It's a really hard age. He was easier at all the other ages I swear.
I do think people forget how brutal 3 year olds are!

My kids are similar ages and my baby is a unicorn baby - has only woken once a night since birth, often sleeps through, rarely cries when awake - and I still find it bloody hard work. So much so that even though I wanted 3-4 kids after my first, I'm probably going to stick with two!

Solidarity... I do think the older generations forget how much work it is

I have a 5 year age gap. When my eldest was 3, there is absolutely no way I would have wanted a baby at that point. People who don’t remember it being hard simply don’t remember or were too checked out to care (there’s a reason why women of a certain generation when working outside the home wasn’t an option did a lot of pills frankly).

Do you individually get a break? You may not have family you can leave them both with, but you have a partner. You should be getting a break. Your partner works outside the home, which is a lot easier than being home with 2 small children. On the weekends, you need to be getting some respite. What do you enjoy doing? Can you go take a yoga class on a Sunday morning? Meet a friend for a baby free coffee? Go for a swim? Sit in a cafe and read a book for 2 hours? Go to the cinema? Find a way to squeeze in time. It will mean you do less things as a couple, your partner will have to take older one to birthday parties and drag baby along, and you will do a bit of passing them off between you, but you’ll get some time to breathe.

Solidarity OP I have a 9 month old and 3 year old and the last 3 months have been rough! 9 month old is an awful sleeper up
3 or more times and wakes every day by 5am latest no matter how we change naps/bedtime. Juggling both needs is so hard and we also have a lovely family but they don’t offer much respite. My DM makes those ‘when you were little’ comments too! They have just forgotten I think and looking back with rose tinted glasses as we will one day no doubt. But it is annoying. Things will get easier especially if you’re looking to introduce a bottle so you can get a bit more free time. I started this last month too and it took a good while and he normally will only take one from dad still but better than nothing!

Some children/babies are very easy and some are very demanding and everything in between. Also bear in mind people have different jobs, support network. The lack of sleep is also a big issue, everything is harder when you are tired.
Do either you or your dh get any downtime? I’d try to have one lay in a week each and a break each at leat once a week.
our ds as a terrible sleeper, I use to go to bed about 7pm and dh would deal with the kids until around midnight . Then he would sleep and I would take over with wake ups. We both managed to get around 7 hours sleep

You need to get yourself to some sort of playgroup/mums and tots type stuff and once you’ve been a few times you’ll quickly realise that all the other mums feel like you do!

The point of these groups isn’t socialising for toddlers or any of the stuff offered by the class. It’s therapy for parents, to meet other people going through the same thing as you and to see you’re not alone!

I have three kids, aged 5,3 and 1. I am often very tired and overwhelmed but I have found you get better at it all with time and practice. I found adjusting to having two DC very difficult as it’s a lot to juggle. But with time my children have become
more independent, more used to waiting their turn and I’ve got better and letting a lot of the stress and chaos wash over me.

Also, so much of it is just down to their individual personalities. One of my children is very intense and pretty hard work. One of them is pretty laid back and easy going. I haven’t done anything different to make them like this, they just are.

I had a 20 month age gap but I can imagine your age gap would also be very challenging, especially as you describe your 3 year old to be quite demanding. I think no matter what age your children are, the first year after a baby is born is quite intense. It will get easier.

This is why routines were/are popular - if nothing else it removes the thinking about what you should be doing each day! My elder child was an atrocious sleeper, my younger one was given a dummy in hospital and slept like the proverbial baby. Is that an option? Might be too late though.

I’ve got a 1 year old, 2 primary school children and 3 grown up children and grandchildren. My older children from (from previous relationship) slept much better than my younger children, I really think this is genetic, it’s just in a different scale to how they were, I was able to get jobs done while they had a 2 hour nap each afternoon and be sat down relaxing watching TV by 7.30pm. Life now is a whole different ball game with no naps, more crankiness and kids who are still awake at 10-11pm,
little one who still wakes multiple times a night. The younger children are wonderful in many ways but just completely different personalities too, much messier, constant cleaning needed, climbers etc.
I do feel tired and overwhelmed in particular this month as I’m always maxed out as it is so December with all the illnesses, multiple events, Christmas to organise etc, the school and nursery holidays etc, it all gets a bit too much.
As for helping out with the grandchildren, it’s great to see them but too maxed out to really help much, before had our youngest I would baby sit the older one occasionally but not until age where happy being without parents. Being a grandparent should be fun after all the hard work of parenthood ( although would help if emergency/really struggling) and don’t see point in babysitting child who just going to be upset being away from parents and huge responsibility looking after someone else’s baby/toddler too, I’d be constantly on edge in case they trip over etc plus where as more enjoyable once they’re 4-5, out of nappies, steady and aware of things. Our own parents are far too old to help now.
Does your 3 year old go to nursery? All I can say is do whatever will make your life a bit easier, we don’t really go on any fancy days or meals out or even holidays, we do try to do special things for the children but they are the events that are a fraction of the cost most people do, getting them out into the outdoors everyday really helps (obviously summer much easier) we use the money that most families spend on such things to pay for extra nursery and holiday club care so that I get the odd day/half day to blitz the house while having a precious few kids free hours, is well worth it