Toddler favours dad - will it end?

[Landgirl91]

My toddler (20m) currently favours dad (or pretty much any other adult) over me.
It's not just a matter of favouring. When others are around, I can barely even get him to look at me. He hardly even says mummy anymore and sometimes pushes me away if he's interacting with his dad. If his dad is out, he spends the whole time asking about daddy.

I fed him until 10mo (until Mastitis ended my supply) read to him every day and spend every moment I can on the floor playing, singing, telling him how much I love him. I had a terrible time bringing him into the world (I lost a baby before) and so he's my absolute world. I can't have any more children. I took a years maternity and held him for every nap the entire time. I was hell-bent on doing everything to create a healthy bond which I didn't have with my parents. I've seen discussion of this being a sign of secure attachment but I can't believe that. No child who is attached to a parent, looks right through them.

It's been so bad this past couple of weeks, I've felt like I may as well leave the house if I'm not wanted, especially when he physically pushes me away. Giving so much love and attention to a child who doesn't even smile at you is crushing.

It's not that I'm sulking, I understand he's a child and I didn't bring him into the world to adore me. However, the fact I can bring him no joy or comfort is incredibly painful.

I've seen posts on here saying similar but no one has addressed whether this actually ends? I feel like I might have to go on antidepressants to push through this.

Hi, I have had similar at that sort of age. It then changed to him wanting whichever parent wasn’t around then it was phases of preferring one or the other but shifting every few weeks and now finally at age 4 he seems to love us both the same and be equally happy with either of us the majority of the time.

I understand how hard it feels. Mine as a baby only wanted me so it was a huge shift. And at times I felt really embarrassed about it in front of others. But it is just kids being kids they are all different and you aren’t doing anything wrong.

I also did the majority of the parenting, worked full time, nearly all night wake ups, morning routine, 6 out of 7 bedtimes. I guess I wasn’t the fun one. It feels like a kick in the teeth but as they grow up everything does change again.

I hope that helps! I’m also very sorry for your previous loss!

This is very very normal for toddlers.
Yes it is upsetting. But I’m going to say in the most gentle way that children’s love isn’t transactional. The amount of love and attend we pour into them isn’t always reflected back to us.
He loves you and you are his Mum. What he is doing is really very normal behavior.
Id suggest you seek some therapy with the aim of working through your scars from your childhood and with the aim of having a more balanced relationship with your son. For his sake and also for yours.

Thank you for putting it so nicely. It's only what I know already but am struggling to maintain sight of currently.
I have no self esteem whatsoever and have placed a lot of emphasis on being a more loving and stable parent than I had myself. You are absolutely right that it's not my childs role to validate or heal me. I think therapy is possibly the only way to go here.

I have three children - almost 5, 3 and 1. Took a year of maternity leave with all, BF beyond a year, co-slept, contact naps, you know the drill.

The two older ones have both preferred dad from around 18m. I accept that he’s more fun than me. I do all the boring things like keeping them fed, watered, clothed. I work part time so I think I’m just around more - part of the furniture and not so exciting.

Eldest has dropped the favouritism over the last 6-12m. Husband and I are on a much more equal footing now - some days he wants me and sometimes dad but most of the time he is happy with either. It felt like a long ride to get to this point, though.

Middle one is still very much pro-Daddy. I just keep being loving and consistent and sharing her love for her Daddy! I occasionally wish I was top dog, but I remind myself how lucky she is to have such a great dad.

Little one only has eyes for me. I know it will likely change soon.

Yes! I am definitely feeling very ashamed and embarrassed over the Christmas period. Family we are staying with are definitely noticing and commenting how much my child adores his father and it looks like I must be some awful, cold mother who has failed to bond. I feel great shame about that.

Thank you for your reassurance that this wasn't permanent for you.

Awwww, OP. This is really tough and upsetting for you. Be patient. It may take time but I’m pretty sure the tables will turn, at some point. Xx

Do you spend any time apart or are you always "there?" DD showed preferences for other adults because I was always around then I disappeared and kept disappearing she suddenly wanted me

So I earn more and so had to go back to work full time to support us all, it really wasn't a choice and I do resent it. My husband works 3 days a week and does 2 days childcare. I'm currently fighting to have my hours compressed to 4 days because I'm worried this is the source of the favouritism. My boss is seeming likely to deny the request but I'll find out in Jan.
I don't work late. I take him to nursery every morning he goes and I've been there for every bedtime since he was born.
So I'm not really 'always there' although I am more than some working parents. Tricky one.

You are overthinking it
You are there mornings evenings and weekends
Toddlers are fickle
Be patient

I hear you it’s been weeks and weeks of it here! Still not completely out of it but it’s much better!

I’ve cried, laughed and also thought I’d be better off just leaving but I’ve ridden it out and then tie is turning but it f&@king hurts when she’s screaming mummy go away mummy go away…… commit much advice but just give it time and it’ll turn about!

Ive managed to out her to bed for the last three nights which I’m taking as a massive win!!

I'm so pleased you're finding and celebrating those wins. Your patience with it is admirable!
I naively just never expected this to be a part of parenting. I think I rather arrogantly thought I'd be such a commited mum that this would never be a possibility.
I'm starting to realise that there is no reason behind a lot of toddlers behaviour. I'm hoping I can face tomorrow with a bit more resilience. Fingers crossed!
I hope things will only be on the up for you from now x

I was a sahm as was my sister we both had this with our eldests exactly this age. It’s quite upsetting. Passes though. Dd 19 now we have a lovely relationship

As my friend said @Landgirl91toddlers are dicks!

I spent a fair few mornings sobbing on my way to work and couldn’t see an end to it but it is turning! Also doesn’t help my husband is super laid back about everything and I don’t think he got just how much it hurt….. and also I think most of my friends kids prefer mum so that made me feel even more like a freak/awful mother!

I do hope things turn for you soon!!