Do you recognise this (ASD?)

[Christmascherry]

A child (13) who is mainly chatty and confident at home with their parents but struggles to be the same outside of the home. Struggles to make eye contact with most other people and socially appears very shy, awkward and anxious. Even with family friends they have known for years. Can socialise ok with their chosen friends though, but is usually the least confident one in a group, plus avoids group dynamic and prefers smaller interactions. No concerns from school. There are some other traits including lots of anxieties and fears that seem very ASD like. But she is happy going to school, is independent, gets the bus there and back, very self aware, can read others well. It’s like her communication with us at home is mainly very NT like but less so with everyone else. Like the opposite of masking sometimes. None of this was apparent in early childhood or at nursery or in the first 3-4 years of school, her development was very typical and she was described as happy, confident, sociable etc. We have had an ASD assessment a few years ago and there wasn’t enough evidence for a diagnosis. The anxiety has got much more prominent since then, so wondering whether to try again or if this is just something else entirely.

Maybe just socially anxious?

She is sociable, self aware and good at reading people. That sounds the opposite of ASD. I work in primary school and have experience of lots of varying degrees of ASD presentation. She could just be an introvert who is anxious in certain social settings. 13 is a tricky age.

Doesn't sound like ASD. I've had a wide range of exposure to ASD diagnosed adults and children. Usually very little self awareness.

From my own experience of my ASD teen daughter, at home was where she felt safe and didn’t need to mask so her communication at home wasn’t in a NT way if you know what I mean. At school from a very young age she masked heavily to try to fit in but really struggled to read peers and then meltdowns happened at home afterwards due to the exhaustion of it. Her anxiety around school didn’t really show up as anxiety as she couldn’t communicate how she was feeling as she didn’t know why she found school so difficult but it eventually led to being unable to attend school by about the age of 13 and then burnout which lasted for months.

I should say she used to be described as sociable when she was young, at nursery and during the first 3-4 years of school. She has always struggled to speak to extended family and friends though, beyond the usual hello/goodbye and one worded answers. Very poor eye contact with most people and getting worse when we try and socialise with friends etc, she stares at the floor and barely speaks, will cry if it gets too loud, gets angry or overwhelmed very easily. She scored quite highly on the ADOS part of the assessment, but that wasn’t enough apparently.

It’s like her communication with us at home is mainly very NT like but less so with everyone else. Like the opposite of masking sometimes.

This is the definition of masking - not the opposite?

Yes I guess it is. I suppose when I think of masking I think of people adapting their behaviour to fit in with others, and masking their true self. Whereas she will be chatty and confident at home with us, and the same on the way to a social event with us, but then as soon as we walk in the door for a social event, or people come to our house, or we bump into someone we know in the street, she completely clams up, looks tense, barely speaks. We leave and then she is ok again. I think she is quieter at school but don’t think she is doing it to this full extent at school otherwise it would have been mentioned by now, she’s on her third school and no one has expressed any concern whatsoever. On the occasions I’ve seen her socialising with friends outside of school, she seems relaxed and able to communicate well. It’s very hard to understand.