Advice as wanting a third child but big gap

[Scoobydoo14]

Myself and my partner have been together 15 years , I have a 16 almost 17 year old dd from a previous relationship he has been like a dad to, we have a 10 year old ds. So one of each I thought I was complete but the last year I’ve been broody and now considering a third child. Is it normal to feel this way I’m concerned that I’m now 37 so time is ticking to decide, partner is 42 .
i find getting pregnant easy but staying pregnant very difficult and we have had two miscarriages before our ds was born hence the gap . Both of my successful pregnancy’s was not easy and I was constantly sick with dd , and with ds he had health complications so was in NICU the first two weeks of his life.
I worry about this a lot as unsure I could cope with another birth as both was traumatic I know I could ask for a c section but that comes with its own risks correct?
is the gap too big am I too old ? Any advice appreciated thank you

Bump

I don't think 37 is old to have a baby at all, but see what DP thinks? He was there for some of the traumatic parts, and might have more of a sense of whether this is something that would work for you as a family vs being likely to be a hormonal biological clock type thing. Miscarriage rate could increase with age so there is that aspect - you might want to consider whether it's worth going through more potential mc, and bear in mind pregnancy is tougher on your body the more you have and the older you are. I found #3 quite hard going and I had easy pregnancies. The birth was probably the best of the three though I am now completely done and do not have any desire to give birth ever again!

DC will all be in very different stages at the same time but you have done that before. Did you find it OK then? A large age gap can be nice in a way because you have the sense of perspective, and I quite like the variety compared with the intensity of being at one stage with one child, although it can be difficult to meet various sets of needs at once. You might also want to consider whether existing DC would feel pushed out and what it would mean financially, as they are too far apart to share bedrooms and it's not so common for DC to leave home at 18 any more, your DD might want to stay living with you for much longer - would you be willing/able to accommodate this and would that change whether you have another baby or not? Does DD want to study or travel and would another child impact on whether or not you could offer financial support with this?

How do you feel about the possibility of ending up with twins? Or a child with a genetic or developmental disorder? At 37 the risk isn't hugely elevated for either but it is higher than it was with your younger DC and will increase with age if it was to take a while through multiple mc. Do you know the cause of your previous miscarriages? This might be worth talking through with a specialist if possible as some causes of miscarriage will also worsen with age.

Thanks for your reply, sadly the docs would not investigate my miscarriages until 3 in a row and I had 2 so they wouldn’t investigate . I kept the idea to myself for a few months to see if the feeling of wanting another passed but it didn’t so talked to my partner around 7 months ago we talked and he said he honestly doesn’t mind either way, he’s happy how we are but also happy to try for more and said it’s mostly down to me due to previous pregnancy and birth problems.

My eldest wouldn’t be leaving home etc dd has autism , we do need to think how it would impact dd and ds but they’ve always said they’d like a baby sibling .
House wise we would manage with the newborn in our room for a while then would possibly move to a 4 bed. I would be ok if it was twins and if baby had a condition that would be a conversation we would need to have. Ds had markers for DS and we did not go through with any tests ( he doesn’t have ds btw and is fine now but was very unwell after birth ( this was a induced birth )

In my head I know staying as we are would be more sensible, but in my heart I think if we don’t at least try then in ten years I’d regret not trying. It’s a difficult decision though

if I did get pregnant and it was successful I do think the only way would be elective c section due to anxiety and the past experiences I’m guessing I would be high risk so as my last pregnancy I would be having weekly scans etc.

I think I might ask myself, could I cope with a child that turned out to have very high care needs due to whatever factor? If I thought not, I probably wouldn't proceed, if I already had two children. But that's only my view.

The age gap isn’t too big! My eldest is 13 years older than DD1 and 16 years older than DD2. I really like the gap, he absolutely adores his little sisters and he’s helpful for looking after them for a couple of hours if I need to go out but don’t want to take the little ones. I think it’s much easier because he could entertain himself when I was in the newborn trenches and he took way less looking after, plus he could entertain DD1 when DD2 was a newborn. I was 32 when I had DD2 so not 37, so I can’t help there though. I don’t think you’re too old at all

I always think, you’ll never regret having one, but may regret not having one.
I had a third last year, with a big age gap between him and my older two, after driving myself crazy debating the pro’s and con’s.
yes it’s hard starting again, and now he’s a toddler I’m remembering all the parts of motherhood my brain blocked out, the tantrums etc. But he is honestly the biggest blessing, siblings are absolutely besotted with him and none of us can imagine him not being here. He’s just wonderful ❤️

This is kind of my thinking. I do think you have to prepare for the worse. And consider with your partner thst it will be essentially ‘Resetting’ the years you have til you don’t have dependents

10 and 17 are very big age gaps and it’s highly likely they wouldn’t be close to the hypothetical youngest sibling. Also more likely to have a child with SEN considering yours and your DH’s ages. Im not close to my sibling who is younger than me by a large gap (same gap between your two children).

My kids have a six year age gap and are a girl and a boy. It's a bit like having two only children as they don't have much in common although they do get on. My older one went off to university when the youngest was twelve so his teenage years have been spent on his own with two older parents. I don't think he minds but it's not exactly lively. The only downside for us is being stuck with taking our holidays in school holiday time for such a long time. I'm longing to go away for some sunshine in January but can't.

Just read that your dd has autism. You could have another child who is more severe. I wouldn’t risk it.

No…I wouldn’t.

I had the third and he turned out to be very high needs, it has changed our lives so much and had a negative impact on our older two that we are constantly trying to negate, life is very hard and even if you love your children you absolutely can regret the reality of them, sorry.
I would try to trump this broodiness up to those hormones surging before perimenopause starts, it's best to be logical about these things imo.

I found the thought of having no more DC at your age incredibly hard but my situation was different in that it was DH who was adamant that he wanted no more.

I did find it hard for a fair while but now I’m in my fifties i do have to agree that it was probably the best decision. We can Holiday when we want to, go out when we want to avd have time for the DC we have. Plus we both now have caring responsibilities for our DPs. We are at this point quite literally the Sandwich generation. A situation I probably couldn’t have coped with if I’d had a younger DC in tow.

One thing that my DH was concerned with was the physical and emotional side for me. I’d had 2 MMCs already. Whether you’re having MCs or MMCs they are not easy and your body takes longer to recover than it would have in your twenties.

Then there is also the ND to think about. As a PP has already stated, the risk is increased as you age although not hugely but as you already have one ND DC you are much more likely to have another.

If you do want to try for a third, you may want to put a time limit on it. When we were going for our DC2 we put a time limit of 6 months on it, if I had t got PG by then we were going to stop and book a holiday to a place we’d always wanted to go to instead.

I’m so sorry @TomatoSandwiches. What an incredibly difficult situation to be in

it’s your hormones. You may not even be able to. You’d presumably want a hormone check to see if you have viable eggs left. Older sperm isn’t ideal either.

If you do have another baby now, you will go through this yearning for a baby again afterwards as your body tries to get you to breed right up to the last gasp!

You already have one child with additional needs. Could you handle another like that who never leaves home? You may have to be their carer and give up work. As we get older the likelyhood of disabilities increases. And your body will have to carry the baby. It’s a lot to ask of it. How would you feel if permanent damage was done? We don’t heal as well as we did back in our 20s.

I think i’d probably give up while i was ahead tbh. Hormones are a bitch.

I had these thoughts at age 36 for a whole year, I thought they would go away, I tried to convince myself it was hormonal. At the time I had DD9 and DS3, my husband was 41.

We then decided to go for it and I prayed so much for it to be a smooth transition. So far it has been, I gave birth at age 37 and husband 42, DD is now 10 and DS is 4.

Whatever decision you make I hope it’s for the best.