Resentment 12 months postpartum

[Chattycatt]

I can’t stand my husband since we had a baby. There are things he should have done differently/better and I can’t seem to move past it? Not sure if it’s because we are so sleep deprived but I prefer being with my baby on my own.

Is this common to feel like this?

He’s a good dad in ways but I feel so let down. We haven’t had any intimacy in two years, I find him quite cold/abrupt and not very loving. He’s very analytical which does my head in since having a baby.

Does this pass when things get easier (more sleep?)

A few things that upset me:

• he’s never left the house with the baby, not even for a walk
• hes never booked anything/suggested anything - doesn’t plan anything
• hes never given them a meal and only started bottle feeding because I felt like I was going to lose my mind in the early days and gave him and ultimatum

obviously these are the bad things but I think they’re quite big things?

Atm I prefer the days where it’s just the baby and me but I have no childcare and constantly exhausted

I don’t know what to do - it feels
horrible to feel so negative about him

I've felt very resentful towards my husband over the years. My son is 3.5 and honestly there's still some resentment there now. It all went great for the first month while he was on paternity and was an fairly equal parent but as soon as he went back to work his life went back to semi normal and I became the primary parent. I was a stay at home mam for 2 years, then my son did 15 hours a week at nursery for a year and 30 hours a week now he's 3. We've got no other childcare and my husband is a workaholic so I've done the majority of the childcare.

I think the problem with having maternity leave is that the whole family falls into the routine of you providing for all the babies needs and the dad just doesn't get to be as involved so isn't used to doing things for the baby as much.

I'd suggest you start leaving the baby with him while you have other plans. Get your hair done, meet a friend, run some errands but just be unavailable. He will have to step up and you'll get some relief. Also, he won't want to be stuck inside forever and will eventually go out with the baby surely! My husband is still massively reliant on me for our sons routine and care daily but he would take him out for a full day no problem and feed him etc if I made some plans.

There is a book called how not to hate your husband after having kids. I can’t remember if it’s any good- I read it and still left.
i would focus on the sleep first and make a decision once you have both had a good few months of enough sleep.
if there are two of you you should be able to set up a system where you both get enough times to sleep through the week? If you demand one thing of him, demand this. If you wear a Fitbit in advanced sleep tracking mode it will give you some accurate data on your sleep and you can show him this and explain that isnt enough to feel or behave like the woman he married.
it’s possible to end up so wired and irritated that you can’t sleep even when you get the chance- if this is the case get on top of it early (sleep hygiene, exercise, meditations/yoga/hypnosis etc) before you get into long term insomnia.
Good luck.

I think really you need to break it down into the separate issues, consider them individually, and go from there. Some things are absolutely easier to cope with once you’re getting more sleep, some things are actual issues in a family that no amount of sleep resolves and require action to resolve- coming from a sleep deprived mum with a 20 month old and a 6 week old baby so I’d like to think I have some idea😂

1. “I find him quite cold/abrupt and not very loving.He’s very analytical”- is this how he is behaving, or how you perceive his behaviour? Because for me there is a difference. My husband is the more practical one in our family so when one of children is poorly I’m quicker to get worried/upset about it whereas he is more logical- looking at symptoms, do we need a doctor, what can we get from a shop/pharmacy to help, he’ll go get that. Do we have plans/things to do that need to be re-jigged or sorted out so that we can just take care of child, those are “his” things to deal with. Yes those are the more practical things but that is him being loving, he’s helping the best way he knows how and it works for us. His instinct is to try and do the practical stuff to make life easier for us whereas mine is more comfort/worry and for our family this is how we get through things!

2. He’s never left the house with the baby, not even for a walk- why not? What would happen if you got dressed this morning, packed a bag and just went out for the day leaving him with his child? Could he manage, take care of things, be totally fine? If so, then great, he just needs the opportunity to have that 1-1 time more often so take some time for yourself and make that happen! If he would be annoyed, angry, if you’d be concerned about leaving him with your child alone because he couldn’t manage then no, that won’t improve with more sleep because that’s a real issue that requires action from him to resolve.

3. He’s never booked anything/suggested anything - doesn’t plan anything - again, why? What happens when you all get up on a morning and you ask him what you should do today? I do think most relationships have a “planner” and that’s okay as long as it works for your family. I’m more the planner in our family, possibly because of maternity leave giving me the chance to try lots of different parks/play areas/cafe/zoo’s etc I know more about the options, I’m happy with this and so is my husband but equally most weekends we don’t have anything firm planned and he’s more than happy & capable of suggesting plans! If you’re happy being the planner then I don’t think this is a huge issue, if you’re not then that’s a conversation to have about him stepping up. His response to that dictates whether it’s something that will resolve with more sleep or not. If he isn’t prepared to do any of this then no, that won’t improve with more sleep, because this is an issue that requires action from him.

4. He’s never given them a meal and only started bottle feeding because I felt like I was going to lose my mind in the early days and gave him and ultimatum- again, why? Because you always just do it, or because he actively refuses? If it’s the former and you’re resentful then yes more sleep & a chat about evening this up would help. If it’s because he refuses to do it, for whatever reason, then no more sleep will not help that because again this needs action from him to resolve. I could sort of understand if this was a 6 month old baby brand new to weaning etc- my husband was very nervous about weaning & choking when we first started our daughter on solids, but by 12 months old he should be more than capable.

I think that once resentment sets in it’s the end, it will never go. Think back to before baby, how much did you like/love him then, has he really changed that much? You need to work out if this is normal post partum ( and it would be a shame to end it for this) or if this is just what parenthood has made him.

I’m afraid I don’t think it’s abnormal to have times of resentment after becoming parents. It can change, i think it leaves a mark but it can get better. I like @Jellybunny56 ’s post.

He sounds like a shit dad and a shit partner to be honest.

OP you need to nip this in bud now- the other side of this is your kid will never learn that dad is also someone who can meet their needs - you will end up with a toddler who never wants dad, and screams for you to do everything - for YEARS. Then what happens is, you never go out, and you end up doing everything yourself because its not worth the effort of the toddler screaming. Child doesnt build releationship with dad. Even at 8 years old, child will want mum. Talk to ur husband, u are only a year in and it will just get worse unless you deal with it.

I felt like that.
Divorce was utter bliss.
There’s nothing worse than being sleep deprived and desperate for some help and not getting anything. The resentment never went away, he never stepped up. He did not like being asked to help.

I remember feeling a lot of anger after the baby was born because like that his life was continuing as normal and mine was so not. You are not the first woman to feel this way. Can you afford some childcare? Can you go out on a date with him? Maybe this would start to create the space you need to like each other again.. also can you try writing down all that stuff that happened so you can try and leave go of it? And Excercise out of nature with the other moms.? I suppose in all life changes there is an element of grief and anger because of the change and there’s no bigger the change than having and be responsible for a new human.