How can I encourage my 3.5yo to play independently?

[Bilingualistic]

I feel exhausted. DH and I both work full time, but he’s in retail and has worked every weekend in Nov/Dec so I’ve been doing it alone and DD just won’t play on her own.

For example yesterday we made biscuits, went out on her bike to the park and then came home and did painting with a bit of tv time in between but she won’t just play in the park, we have to play hide and seek or chase, or some other role play game.

Today we woke up, did puzzles, went to the garden centre and fed the fish/got cake, came home, had lunch, played with magic snow, did colouring and then I tried to do some house work and she cried and cried because she wanted me to play with her. She won’t just colour on her own, I have to do it with her. It means I just get zero time to even sit down with a cup of tea, let alone get any housework done.

I’ve tried to set things up for her to play with like play doh, puzzles, magnet tiles but she won’t do it alone, I have to join in and it always has to involve some role play game.

I’m basically shattered and wondering how I can encourage her to try and play alone a little more? She’s an only child but goes to preschool in the week. Or is this normal, and will come in time?

I think this is normal especially if she’s an only child. If she’s at preschool full time it might also be that she wants to spend as much time with you as possible when you’re at home. That will change once she’s a bit older .

It sounds like you do a lot with her so I completely understand your frustration.
For me it used to work to give my child a lot of attention for a couple of hours or so and then I just said : You have to play on your own for a bit now ,mummy has to do some housework .
If your daughter keeps asking you to play with her just repeat that sentence and continue with your chores. Eventually she’ll hopefully find that boring enough to go and play on her own for bit.

It might sound a bit harsh but I would have just done what I needed to do and let her cry. If you always stop what you are doing to play then she’ll never develop those skills. But she was in a safe place, she’d been given plenty of attention prior, she wasn’t going to come to any harm, sometimes they just gotta cry.

I just don’t play with him. He’s 4 and a half now and I never have played with him unless I want to. I never sit doing it through gritted teeth out of guilt- I’ve got things to do and cups of tea to drink. If we’re off doing something fun together like swimming, when we get home he gets stuck into his toys on his own.

I don’t mind sometimes playing board games together, occasional crafts, or a bit of playdoh or building lego. We’ve done a lot of Christmas crafts this month. Otherwise he’s on his own. How can they learn to play alone if they’re not left to it? I have friends who run about daft playing all day with their kids and they are exhausted and resent it. Always asking “why can’t they play on their own?!” Well, they haven’t ever had a moment to be bored. They’ve never had to sit in quiet and hear their own thoughts because there’s always been an adult running about with them like a children’s entertainer.

Hell will freeze over before I play hide and seek in the park.

It’s normal. My DDs the same, and now at age 5 she is just beginning to choose to play by herself sometimes. She also has a little brother whose now old enough to play with her with some things so that helps too.

I found timers helpful. We have an Alexa and id set a timer for 10 minutes and I'd play with her, and then I'd set a timer for 10 minutes and say she had to play on her own while I did some jobs. If she was playing really intently on her own, I'd add another few minutes to the timer discreetly! Or saying you can either help mummy with the dishwasher or go play has always encouraged mine off on their own!

I would be firm and tell her mummy has jobs to do and she needs to play 🤷‍♀️

I have an only dd and always encouraged her to play independently, I never got involved in play with her tbh. Specific activities yes but play was for her to get on with.

Just involve her in the chores and putting feet up having a cup of tea or taking a nap.

theres another thread at the moment about how children don't know how to be bored these days and it's true. You just need to let her be bored for a bit. Tell her what you're doing and why, and promise that after 30 minutes you'll play with her again. Eg "mummy is going to make you some yummy bolognaise for your dinners next week and once we're finished we can do the puzzle -
can you have a tea party with your dolls until then?"'

She’s not going to develop imaginative play if everything is curated and done with her. So I’d provide a “shop”, a dressing up box and some old fashioned dolls with clothes.

Can you work out for her to 'help' you with the housework?

With independent play if a dc isnnt use to it, you have to build them up to it. So day 1 set up an activity and then start it off with them and then "back in a min dc I just have to wee" stay away for 2 mins, then come back and play for 10 mins. The "got to put the kettle on" then come back and play for 10 mins.
Every couple of days, increase the duration you are away. Praise her for playing nicely when you are away

Then try and keep some toys dc loves out away and then only bring them out to play with when you want a bit of free time. Before you get them out, tell dc these are toys for dc only, Mummies dont play with these toys. Then get them out for 10 mins and then put them away and do something else with her.

Its really about building up to it

Mine (3.7) does this. It drives me potty and I even, to my horror, cracked out a phrase from my childhood “only boring people get bored” today when she was whining about being bored because I HAD to get some stuff done or Christmas would be cancelled.
And don’t get me started on how furious I was inside when we went to a party at one of her nursery friends’’ house yesterday and I found her PLAYING BY HERSELF IN HER FRIEND’S ROOM. “MiniTinyhousemouse why are you in here by yourself?” “I just want to play by myself mummy” OMG WHY HAVE YOU WHINGED CONSTANTLY THAT YOU DONT KNOW HOW TO PLAY BY YOURSELF I CANT COPE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

Thanks everyone. I know it’s probably my own fault, and DH is excellent at role play and will do it for hours with her and never seems to get bored, so I feel like she expects it of me too.. but I really do hate role play, which is why I try and make up for it with crafts etc. But I think she does just need to learn to be bored.

Love the idea of a timer though, I’ll try that one. I have a week of solo DD time ahead of me so I’ll make a start 😂

Let her watch cbeebies for some down time

My 2.5 year old is like this, only child too. When he does sometimes play alone I feel sad watching him, we can't win can we 😂

I find I just have to include him in chores tbh, I have his toddler tower in the kitchen while I cook and he paints one of his easily washable vehicle toys, Or I pass him food to try and throw on the floor 😅

He helps me hoover, we take turns so I do it properly, let him do it a bit, then my turn etc, it does take longer but stops any whinging and sometimes he gets bored and runs off to play himself. But generally he's a FOMO child and has to be with me or my husband.

You don’t need to play the same way- that’s the joy! My husband will play at pushing cars around for ages with our son. Why should I have to do the same? I do the crafts and the baking and whatever else I particularly enjoy. Your child needs to learn that you are your own person- you’re not just another one of her toys, not a plaything. Start saying no to her.