5 year old behaviour.

[oustedbymymate]

I’m going to prefix this with I know Christmas hype and over stimulation etc but it’s been going on longer than just this month.

my 5 year old boy on the whole is a lovely boy. However recently he has developed what can only be described as an attitude and can really snap and snarl over the simplest of things. We ask him a simple question and get a snappy reply. I have repeatedly picked him up on it and said it’s not a nice way of talking to mummy and daddy. He just doesn’t seem to care. At school he is a lovely as can be.

he’s back to tantruming over EVERYTHING. Getting in the bath eating tea tidying up and arguing back when challenged in it. Throwing himself on the floor and making that god awful whining noise with fake tears.

He has started being unkind to his brother too. Pinching him, hitting him and saying mean things. Every single time I reprimand and use time out to think about actions and explain why we don’t do those things. Younger DC not totally innocent but also has the same consequences but I feel with older one the behaviour is a bit vindictive and calculated. I just want my lovely boy back.

over the past two days he has bare faced lied to me twice. I just don’t understand where the behaviour is coming from and how to explain to him it’s not acceptable. I find because it’s not always tangible it’s hard for him to see. Primarily consequences are time out away from situation and then have to apologise. Removal of item eg if snatching I take item away. It’s relentless though and he keeps doing it so clearly what I’m doing isn’t working.

DH very much on the same page as me and does all of the above too.

help me. What do I do???

When my DD was born, the health visitor said something I found very useful when DD started doing things I didn't want her to do. She said: 'Everything is a phase.' This version of your little boy is temporary. This time of year is too exciting at this age so tiredness may be a factor.

What to do? A few suggestions, some of which you may already be doing.

1. Ignore the tantrums. Say nothing. Walk away when they happen at home.
2. Find out what sanctions will mean something to him - no favourite TV show, missed play date, no Friday sweets/Christmas tree chocolate etc.
3. Keep your voice low and steady, to minimise escalation. No emotion. He needs to see you are not bothered (even though you are).
4. Insist on him repeating what he's said without being snappy. Sometimes it takes many repetitions. Cut out the explanation and just say 'That's not how we talk to people. Say what you've said go me again, in a nice way.'

It sounds as though you are doing a lot of explaining but when he's in a heightened state, nothing will go in. And he's only five.

I try very hard to ignore the tantrums but then I think should I not challenge them but then I’m giving it attention…. 😩

I do try explaining to him when he is calm. The tantrums don’t last long they are just excessive in number. I feel it’s important to explain why he’s being told not to but then am I expecting too much. I just feel like we go through the motions and it’s continuing all the time. Every day.

Will try the insisting again. I do say every time he does it that’s not how we speak to people and he often flounces off. I just don’t know how we got here?!

I agree with the above poster, that’s it’s probably a phase. I find behaviour can be a bit of a rollercoaster with my D’s, really calm and thoughtful for a while followed by godawful. Like a baby, think food and sleep. Possibly he needs more of both. Maybe he’s having one of those brain leaps - there’s an awful lot going on in the brain of a five year old.

Yes, I agree too. I think saying "this is what I'm doing to address it but it isn't working so I must be doing something wrong" isn't always true. Sometimes there doesn't seem to be ANYTHING you can do that instantly stops a behaviour in its tracks. You have to keep being consistent for a while and eventually they'll stop. Does he get any screen time? You could try removing that?

This was my DD last year around this time. I felt like everyone celebrated Christmas way too early and it hyped her up to the point of tantrums, arguments, screaming and everything.

This year we decided to keep it low key. Do a couple of Christmas celebrations, such as the town light switch on and one panto. She didn't like Santa last year (couldn't blame her as I would be scared of seeing a strange man with a fake beard) so we didn't do it this year. It has helped and there hasn't been any over stimulated out bursts or that.

So I could agree with pp, it could just be a phase. It's really a tough phase, especially at this time of year, but once Christmas day has been and done, your little boy could just jump back to his usual self with no tantrums.

You're not doing anything wrong, just have to keep consistent. If you're out every weekend, try and stay in if possible. If you're out, see if after the activity if there's a quiet place for him to process, like a library or a museum with a craft room if they have any. You're doing good and even if you feel like you're on repeat, he will get it eventually. There are some great books about emotions, my DD likes the collection called my behaviour and emotions. The books have some things about being unkind to others and ways to be kind as well as overcoming bullying, lying, etc. I'll leave an image of the book here and hope it helps!

@YellowCherry he does have limited screen time and I do remove that as a consequence too and whilst at the time he seems upset we still get repeat behaviour

Thanks all. I think trying to get it out for my own sanity is important. We are trying so hard to remain consistent and keep boundaries and I agree this time of year is mental. I want to enjoy it etc but this is really getting me down. I want to enjoy the time with my little boy not be constantly having battles.

My 5.5 year old has been a bit of an asshole for a while now to put no finer point on it. He can be lovely, for example he is impeccable with please and thank you and he will now spontaneously share (that took a LOT of hard work). We borrowed some Lego the other day from a local Lego library and, without prompting he came up to me and said ‘thank you so much for getting this for me mummy, I really like it’….But equally we also have a lot of aggression out of keeping the trigger, unkindness to his sibling and defiance almost seemingly for the sheer sake of defiance. He also lies readily. He’s definitely more difficult than his toddler brother right now.

For a start, I genuinely think he is knackered. His teacher says he tries really hard and I do think the social side of school is really hard for them. We’ve done literally nothing festive this year beyond what school organise as we learnt the hard way last year it’s just too much.

I have 2 nephews of 10 and 8. The 8 year old has always been very calm, un reactive and maybe a little lazy. The 10 year old is similar to my son: intense, clever and firmly aware of his likes and dislikes. He was as you describe at 5 and to an extent is still like this at 10. So while I do think a phase is likely, I do think some kids are just more highly strung and maybe take longer to settle than others.

Anyway solidarity! I thought it would be easier by now 😂

If sounds like he is knackered. It's been a long term at school. Praise him when he is good, try to spend some special one on one time with him and see if you can work out what is going on. Behaviour is communication. He is telling you something is wrong.

@Geneticsbunnyi took the day off work today to spend the day with him just us two as he was on inset. I was so looking forward to it. And truthfully he was a dick for 50% of it 🤦‍♀️

@Keeponshining thanks that does make me feel a bit better!

yes I agree re shattered. We have tried to keep it very low key and not book loads in and have calmer weekends whilst still getting out to the park etc cos they still need exercising 😂 but it has been super busy at school etc. Trying to keep early nights and calm but I’ll be honest things feel frazzled.

Yea this is the bit I struggle with too. My son is mentally shattered but physically full of beans. This has definitely got worse in year 1 with more sat-down learning. It’s very hard to channel his energy when he’s on defiant/argumentative/emotional mood. When he clearly needs exercise but doesn’t want it!

Sometimes they are just dicks... Chill over Christmas, very low demands and hopefully it will blow over. Don't panic.