Help!!! 2 year old will not eat at meal times

[roseandstay]

Any advice appreciated!!!
I have a 2.5 year old DS who will not eat at proper meal times. He will eat breakfast because it’s toast/crumpets, banana, yoghurt etc but proper meals in the evening have turned to a battle ground. Meals he used to enjoy he just refuses and any new foods, he will not even try. We have tried everything and don’t know what to do as we don’t want food to become something that makes him anxious.

We have separated foods into compartments on plates, we’ve put meals on one plate, we’ve offered meals with foods and snacks we know he likes e.g. pasta with garlic bread and a cheese triangle (he’ll eat the bread and cheese). Pies, roast dinners, pasta dishes, anything home made and fresh it’s just a no. It’s so frustrating wasting so much food. He just screams for “snacks” or a yoghurt or toast. The snacks he want aren’t healthy alternatives like fruit and veggie sticks, he wants biscuits and pastries. We’ve tried new plates, dips with meals, adult cutlery, letting him choose, communicating what’s being cooked, high chair, no high chair, left his food out in the room to pick at whilst he’s playing. He used to eat and try all sorts and loved a home cooked meal. Now it’s fish fingers, pizza, chicken nuggets, toast, bananas, yoghurts, snacks etc.

He attends nursery and he eats the foods they make him most of the time, if he doesn’t eat it he will at least try parts of it but he won’t even try food for us! Of course there are some days he won’t have hardly ate any lunch and it’s usually the same meals I expect that he’s got used to knowing he doesn’t like. When he doesn’t eat his meal at home or even try it, we feel bad for telling him he can’t have anything else because we don’t want him to have a bad relationship with food and going to bed with no meal but giving in and making him a slice of toast later on feels like he hasn’t learnt anything.

You're not going to feel this helpful because I didn't, but get rid of non healthy snack alternatives and just keep offering the meals. Time and time again.
Repetition and consistency is key and he will soon learn that the meal is the only option and if you keep serving the same few basics, served in the same way, they'll become familiar.

How did you cope with the tantrums when you’re offering them the healthy alternatives but they know what they want?

If he eats ok at nursery and not at home it sounds like he's had his own way too many times and has learnt how to manipulate you.

I would stop all snacks, stop pandering to him with the plates and separating out food. I would simply do a plate of food he likes put it in front of him and let him get on with it. If he doesn't or screams for something else I'd take it away and not try to persuade him to eat at all. No snacks after that, he has to wait to the next meal when you repeat the plate of food. Stop giving him so much attention if he does or doesn't eat. It should just be a matter of course that he eats most things. May take 3-4 days but it'll work and he'll start eating at meal times because there is no other option. Sorry if that all sounds rather harsh but it his behaviour in wanting cakes and biscuits won't help him and will damage his health long term.

Agree with @InSpainTheRain. Just give him what you’re having (within reason) and no snacks. No fuss, and ignore any meltdowns.

Honestly, same as any other tantrums. Ignore or respond as appropriate and don't give in.
It's hard!

I went through similar. My HV told me to keep bringing out the same foods that had been discarded and leave it lying around. They won’t stave themselves.

also minimum 2 hour gap between last snack and a meal so they’re actually hungry.

bribery worked for mine too, and also then it was ‘you ate broccoli yesterday therefore you’re having it today and I expect you to eat it’.

Do you have a dog? When my two tried that, I gave their dinner to the dog who was very appreciative 😂 It didn't last long

Sympathy. Toddlers are so stubborn and so you’re battling their emerging personalities and their understanding that if they scream enough they might get their own way.

The problem is that as a mum it’s your almost physically painful to deny your child food. For three reasons : 1. as mothers we are biologically hard-wired to feel a need to feed our kids. 2. If we don’t feed them they’ll be grumpy and kick off. 3. They will wake up at 11pm or 4am starving and YOU as mum will suffer for that.

I do think toddlers remember that last time you fed them they’ll screamed and got yoghurt.

So you have to break the cycle - it’s harder if you gave in one time already.

I found that my dc both LOVED an indoor picnic : they choose favourite teddies, you put a picnic blanket on the floor , and you all eat together on the floor. My dc would eat ANYTHING at an indoor picnic.

Second my kids both loved their food to be arranged like a face. It must be a face, it cannot be a house or a flower. Then they can eat the potato eyes, and the carrot hair and the red pepper mouth and so on. Even better if you pretend to be horrified - “oh no you ate his ears! Now he can’t hear. Hang on where did his eyes go? Did you eat his eyes too!?”

Everything is better when it is a game.

Third, trickery - let them think they are winning. This is a tried-and-tested parenting technique. “Oh dear, there are only three Brussels sprouts and so I’m going to save them for later. I’m just going to leave them on this little dish next to you - you’re not going to eat them while I go and get the drinks from the kitchen are you?! Don’t eat the sprouts… promise!”

And then you go back in the kitchen and hopefully when you come back a sprout is gone. “Oh no! I’m sure there were two. You didn’t eat one did you? I’ll get one more more hold on.”

And the game gets sillier and sillier as every time you go to fetch a replacement sprout your dc eats one. your dc might be a little bit young for this but by age 3 it will have him in fits of giggles as he loves to trick you.

it’s amazing how many times this joke works - and once dc is laughing, they aren’t having a temper tantrum and it’s all a lot easier

PS my kids love sprouts now. And will argue over who gets the biggest portion!

I rotate strategies on my kids

1. they are too tired to eat properly past 430pm. So I try to have a main meal ready for them between 3/4. When I get lazy on this they have a snack or sandwich then and another light meal later, but miss out on the hot meal, veg etc. I’ll serve miniscule amounts for them when DH and I eat but won’t expect them or push them
2. Bedtime snack is healthy and filling - porridge, toast etc with fruit. It isn’t a replacement for the supper they are skipping. It’s magically a different thing.
3. If I’ve gotten lazy and they are eating out of meal times, just snacks or fighting meals even earlier, I keep meal food out for grazing. I understand why this won’t work in some houses, but when DS is dysregulated it helps him have some control and me to have a healthy balance going into him
4. ridding the house of all treats - I’ll probably do this for a month mid Jan to break some habits, end up doing it after the summer usually too. It lets us adjust back to the basics

Thank you OP - I’ve been trapped in the struggle lately and have a plan for which strategy to go back to and sneak some nutrition back in.

Just stop all snacks for now. He sits in the highchair for 3 meals a day whilst you eat your food. You offer him it on a plate, he either eats it or not. You don't show any reaction if he doesn't eat it. You simply get him down from the highchair and say okay your all done. If he has a tantrum, you ignore, try to distract but not with food. and repeat for every meal. He will eat eventually. Healthy, neurotypical toddlers will not starve themselves.

The important thing IME is that you act like you don't care if he eats or not. No negotiating / bribing / begging. Just a calm "oh you're not hungry right now. I'll pop this in the fridge and I can heat it up if you get hungry later." This stops it becoming a battle ground. Remember it's normal for toddlers to go through a fussy stage.

I experienced the same with my second DC at the same age, and now my 3rd DC is 18 months, we are starting to see the same behaviours.

Unfortunately, the answer for my middle DC was to do what PP said. Stop all snacks (I literally stopped buying them), we also stopped her evening bottle of milk because she’d just not eat and then know that she’d be filling up on milk. There were many tantrums. Lots of taking her screaming from the high chair straight to bed without her having eaten anything.

After about… 2 months? I don’t remember exactly, she just started eating her dinner. She’s still not a perfect eater, but at age 3.5 she eats her dinner most nights now.

My third is starting to exhibit the same behaviours, and we’re doing the same thing. He went to bed last night not having eaten anything, then had a huge breakfast this morning. He eats well at nursery everyday, so I’m not too worried if he doesn’t eat his dinner.

But yes, it’s hard. I never had these problems with my firstborn, and thought that I was the best mum that ever lived when it came to mealtimes. LOL!!!

Exactly this. Have a conversation and ignore what he’s not eating. If he screams keep your face neutral and say try again later. No treats for not eating his meals.

He tantrums because historically it has worked. And he knows the battle is an element of control he can exert.
Put a selection of things acceptable to you on the table. He either eats or he doesn’t

If he doesn't’, the same food can be offered later BUT NO ALTERNATIVES. No drama, no negotiation, no particular interest shown either way

Ignore them. Talk about the weather. Eat your own food.

This is why he eats at nursery:

There's only one option
Everyone sits down and eats together
There is no pressure or focus on what he's eating
The adults don't really care if he eats or not

You can replicate this at home by:

Cutting out the unhealthy snacks
All sitting down to eat together
Making no comment about what he does or doesn't eat or pressuring him to try things
Include foods you're happy for him to eat eg plain greek yoghurt

It's only a battleground because you're making it a battleground.
He only tantrums for unhealthy snacks because you're feeding him unhealthy snacks.
Your job is to provide a nutritious meal, his job is to decide how much he eats.

In my opinion this is normal and it passes. I would provide something like toast (or something else that he will definitely eat) for dinner plus the other things that you would like him to eat.

At first he will probably just eat the toast (don’t comment on this, just remove the plate when he’s done) but after a while he will most likely start eating the other stuff too. Sometimes we also used to provide dessert at the same time as the main meal if the child was too preoccupied with what was coming for pudding.

Dinners were a battleground with my older DD until we took the pressure off and started to do as described above. She is now 6 and eats really well including normal dinners. My youngest is also going the same way and we are doing the same thing with her.