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Parenting

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Original poster

Normal or disrespectful?

28 replies

MrsSnape · 10/06/2008 21:14

I'm so sick of my kids ruining stuff and generally just being disrespectful.

They were playing upstairs earlier and I've just found out that they took all of the clothes out of their wardrobes and threw them around the room. Why? The hours I spend stood ironing and putting their clothes tidy for them and they go and do that. I've just sent them hunting around their rooms for all of the clothes that were thrown.

It makes me so mad. DS2 has drawn all over the wall in red crayon, he's still wiping poo on the bathroom wall when there is no bog roll...their rooms are a tip, their quilt covers and pillows are often strewn across the floor...Xbox games all layed on the floor waiting to be broke...most of their DS games have been lost...DVDs scratched...it just seems that no matter what I do they genuinly couldn't give a shit.

In a morning they get their breakfast and I go into the kitchen to find cornflakes all over the floor and table, milk all over the work surfaces, the actual milk bottle left on the side with its lid off...

My mum says "thats kids" but I'm getting really sick of it, there is no excuse imo and I want it stopped.

They are 9 and 7 btw

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DragonsEye · 10/06/2008 21:17

Definately not normal ime. Sounds awful. What do you do to discipline when they misbehave?

laidbackinengland · 10/06/2008 21:18

Not normal in my experience. It sounds like they need some really clear boundaries about what is expected of the,. What have you tried so far ?

Original poster

MrsSnape · 10/06/2008 21:20

I'm at a loss to be honest. DS1 has already been banned from the PC for a month, I can't really think of what else to do

They're like it all the time. DS2 told me to "shut your face" earlier.

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talilac · 10/06/2008 21:23

Hi Mrs S, are they too old for the House Fairy do you think?

Its all a bit American, but I know someone that got on quite well with it..

WonderingWhy · 10/06/2008 21:24

I think you need proactive measures, not recriminations - ie prevent it getting that bad on a daily basis, rather than punishing it. Carrot, not stick. (Not implying you would whack them!)

Not sure what this would entail though.

Flibbertyjibbet · 10/06/2008 21:26

The bit about the clothes and the crayon made me think 'thats normal' as my two ds's 3.5 and 24m do that kind of thing.

Then I read down and saw that they are much older, so I think its more disrespectful. Specially the bit about the poo on the wall, you'd think he'd know where to get a fresh toilet roll from.

Mind you I am not a perfect parent I am on my own tonight and just had to walk out of their bedroom after a million attempts at getting them to stay in bed and go to sleep. It was either leave the room or lose it.... so I'm mumsnetting while ignoring the noise

Hassled · 10/06/2008 21:28

Pocket money! My solution to all things discipline-related. Give them £1 a week (give or take) each, paid at the end of the week, deduct 10p per little misdemeanour rising to £1 for major crimes. My oldest DCs used to end up owing me money, but it was something tangible they cared about and hated losing. And while they get pocket money, no other treats - they pay for their own stuff from now on.

My other tip is to cry when necessary. None of this stiff upper lip stuff - they've hurt you, and have upset you, and sometimes actually seeing the upset shocks them into action. Harsh, but it works.

Littlefish · 10/06/2008 21:30

Not acceptable.

I think that banning PC for a month is too long. A ban like that only really works for a short amount of time. Your ds now has no reason to be good - you've banned the PC already so he may as well continue misbehaving.

Do you think you're in the cycle of always seeing the negative and reacting to it? What do they do that is good? Do you always praise this? Do you tell them how it makes you feel when they do something right? Eg. "I feel really proud when you help with the washing up without being asked" or "It makes me feel happy when I see you helping your brother with that".

If the fact that they leave DVDs on the floor annoys you the most, tackle that first. Whenever they leave them on the floor, they go straight into a big box with a lock. They can be earned back through appropriate behaviour, or they have to wait until the next day (or couple of days).

Consistency is absolutely vital. Only set sanctions or rewards that you are going to carry through on. Sit down and agree both rewards and sanctions with them.

MsDemeanor · 10/06/2008 21:32

Gosh, no this is a bit out there at their ages. Why poo on the wall? That would really upset me. I am not having a go at you, I really sympathise. I'd go absolutely ape if my kids did that at their age (or younger, to be honest). Scratched dvds and messy surfaces at breakfast etc are normal, but not all of it all the time. Maybe you need to be one step ahead of them for a while - closer supervision, being there at breakfast time etc. Is it attention-seeking do you think?

purpleduck · 10/06/2008 21:34

Do they have other behavioural issues?
The poo thing just seems a bit wrong..
sorry - they are def old enough to know better

Twiglett · 10/06/2008 21:35

ok this is your list

stop ironing their clothes
if he wipes poo he cleans it up .. give him gloves dettox and wipes
make them clean their rooms up at the weekend
remove xbox completley
if they mess the room with breakfast they clean it up, if not before school then after it

I think at that age you need to sit down and write a list of family rules together but give them some responsibility .. and stop taking their shit too

Twiglett · 10/06/2008 21:36

zero tolerance from tomorrow morning

they get up they sit down and you tell them

and you stick to it

DragonsEye · 10/06/2008 21:37

Have you looked into parenting classes in your area, Ive heard REALLY good reports from people and they do specific ones for older children. They would give you great advice, coping strategies, lots of support. Ask your GP if you cant find one on the net.

SNoraWotzThat · 10/06/2008 21:47

Do they help with any chores? At this age, they should start it will help them appreciate all you do.

As for the loo, that's so bad.

Play mess is one thing, but this sounds like they have no appreciation for the things you give and provide them. Sorry, but you need to regain some control quickly. There are some good parenting books and some are on MN book reviews.

I didn't get a manual when we had children, I had to learn, read and try a different approach to situations to find things to suit us. Still learning.

AbbeyA · 10/06/2008 22:40

That is not kids! They are part of the family and don't get rights without responsibilities.I think Twiglett has a good response-I should follow her suggestions.

bumpybecky · 10/06/2008 22:41

at that age it's disrespectful - sorry

Twiglett is making lots of sense to me

we're getting great results with the good old fashioned bribery approach at the moment

dd1 (10) and dd2 (8) both want a nintendo ds so they're having to earn it - at 4p per minute for general chores it's going to take them a while!

BoyzntheShire · 10/06/2008 22:49

boy, id've cracked the whip way before now.
youre not a slave fgs, take some control.

good luck. im sure your efforts and police state tactics will pay off in no time

SNoraWotzThat · 10/06/2008 22:58

chores, or getting them to help.... old thread with some ideas different ages

ravenAK · 10/06/2008 23:08

Get kids out of the house for the day.

Go through the house & dump anything which is theirs & not where it should be, into an enormous cardboard box (give fair warning that you'll be doing this). Don't be too fussy about stuff getting broken or tangled or whatever as you do this.

When you've finished, house should be as near spotless as you can manage. (Not because it needs to be spotless, but because it demonstrates you taking back control of your house IYSWIM...)

When they return, lead them to box. They have 20 minutes to retrieve stuff (& put it away properly) - anything left goes to the tip.

Repeat weekly if needed...

LittleBella · 10/06/2008 23:09

I've just set up a chart with removable labels with jobs on. Blue labels for DS, Pink for DD, Yellow for me. On a green background, very garish.

All the jobs are lined up on the fridge and each time someone does one, they pick their colour with the job on it and stick it on the chart. Very soon, you can see who is doing the most jobs in the house (yellow dominates!)

However... competition is creeping in and eyeing the number of pinks and blues, it's working. DS got up this morning and set the table without being asked. I came down to a table laid. And a blue sticker on the chart, first of the day!

UnquietDad · 10/06/2008 23:11

Carrot or stick?

Do they have pocket-money? We have just started that, and take 5p off per offence.

Xbox is a privilege, not a right, and can and should be withdrawn. Same goes for TV.

lostinfrance · 10/06/2008 23:19

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notjustmom · 10/06/2008 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ingles2 · 10/06/2008 23:30

phew sounds like hard work Mrs S...
I agree with Twig (for about the millionth time today)
my 2 boys 7+8 can really take the biscuit as well. But then I give them a couple of seriously disciplined days and things calm down. I rely on a mixture of pocket money, football cards, and the removal of priveliges as well.
The poo is more of a problem. Think you need to have a serious discussion about health and hygiene. I would probably come down hardest on that. For what it's worth my ds2 still has to be marched back to the loo to flush and wash his hands EVERY time!

BoyzntheShire · 10/06/2008 23:38

lay down rules
tell them they are valid for one month
if they can stick to them, they get to renegotiate rules with you and you all decide together whats fair for future rules.
and if they cant stick to them for the month, they get stricter.

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