Husband says I am too bossy...

[Curlyfifteen]

My Husband says I am too bossy...and try to control everything in the house. We have a 6 and 2yo.

I think its certainly possible that I am, I feel like if I don't manage/say everything it won't be done which has a knock on effect making my life harder. So I try to anticipate things so things will be easier. But this means I am always thinking, planning what comes next and having to ask everyone to do their part. I do not really enjoy this role. I feel like if I don't do it it will all become a mess.

Now and then I don't step in and then later see things going off course. My husband is great at playing with the kids and does clean the kitchen each evening (sometimes still a bit messy but he has "done" it).

We are not close at all. He only said I am bossy because I asked.

I would like some advice on where to go from here. It's hard to see oneself. I also don't know if I am bossy because he is not acting like a parent leaving me to do all the parenting while he works and "plays" with the kids. But then maybe that is fair because I am a SAHM?

So did you think you were being bossy and asked if you were? And he agreed you are?

It does sound like you micromanage a lot and he doesn't get any freedom to actually parent. What sort of things are harder? What are you preempting?

What do you mean you are not close at all?

I feel like every single mother on earth could have wittten this post.

I can't recall exactly what I asked but it was along the lines of asking for a bit of feedback, are things ok between us etc. He said I was too bossy before and I had been trying to hold a lot of things back or deliver my messages with more "sugar".

Tbh things are very "nothing" between us but I also know that I can only change my imperfections and not anyone elses so wanted to see what I might be doing to contribute to our nothingness.

We don't spend time together alone, ever, we barely talk outside of childcare stuff. We don't hug, hold hands, put an hand on the shoulder or anything.

Have you asked for example of what he means by bossy?

Well set an experiment with him. Decide a timeline of however many weeks or months where you will stop being “bossy” as he puts it. This will make him happier in the relationship. But if in that time the house goes to shit and you are miserable then you’ll have your answer.

You both have to be happy. So there has to be less nagging/bossyness only if there is also no slide into chaos with the housework and running of the house.

Discuss it together, run the experiment, see the results. Then you’ll know.

Just to add to my previous reply…

Fuck this. This is no relationship.

If the experiment doesn’t see an improvement here also, I’d be off.

I recommend reading into the concept of the ‘mental load’ (if you’ve not already heard of it). This is a good place to start:
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Yeah, one man’s “bossy” is one woman’s “organised”.

How long has it been 'nothing' OP?

It sounds like you’re more like his mum than lover. I see this dynamic irl quite a lot and if you’re the child in the relationship then I can see why you feel that the other person is bossy.

Funny how the term 'bossy' is only ever used as an insult (usually from a lazy man) to a woman.

You are not bossy but he sounds lazy and selfish and childlike. Someone has to be the adult when there are children in the relationship and that's you. Next time he calls you bosy or nagging tell him to start acting like a grown up so you can relax too.

Truthfully though he will never change (because he doesn't want to). Start planning your escape before he sucks all of your self worth and confidence away.

That’s not true at all.

The marriage is dead, it might be a good idea to get back into employment, share childcare fees.
Neither of you are enjoying living as resentful celibate housemates, you can plan a happy future.

I don't think I'd be worrying about being bossy OP, I'd be worrying about your marriage, as this is no way to live.

I'd have a deeper conversation with him, about how it all got off track (if it was ever on track) and discuss how you'll spend time together and try and build back your relationship.

In terms of bossiness, he needs to elaborate, but when he's looking after the kids, let him get on with it. Accept that not everything will be done to your standards (as you have with the kitchen tidy up).

There is a lot wrong with your relationship and while you can only work on your side is he planning on working on his side?

Being controlling is usually rooted in anxiety or dominance or both. Yes it is a relationship killer in some relationships but other relationships thrive on it. I would argue though that being controlling never comes from a heathy place and never contributes to a healthy balanced relationship. But on the flip side how is your husband contributing to a heathy balanced relationship because it doesn’t sound like he is either.

That sounds like an incredibly depressing marriage for both of you. Your children are learning about relationships by watching you two, as well.

It would probably be “controlling” or “treats you like a slave” though if it was the other way round - same sentiment, different words.

What a terrible marriage! I can be bossy for the same reasons but my DH 1) appreciates me and constantly tells me how much he loves me and tries to make up for it in other ways (I.e. take my son out every weekend so I have solid hours for myself both days) and 2) he does what I say and does it well with no complaints.

I don't believe things can be 50/50, we have to play to our strengths. DH is excellent at some stuff (cooking, activities, keeping me sane) while I thrive on organisation.

I hold a lot of the mental load and things should be more equal but life's not perfect.

If he called me bossy like that, I'd tell him I don't want to feel like his mother either.

I mean, honey, why are you still there? You aren’t close and things are a bit nothing between you??

When one bit of our life isn’t working and we can’t change it, often there is a bit of transference and we try to control and fix everything else in our life instead.

Fix your relationship or leave it and you will stop being bossy.

You're not really telling us what you want or what you would like to change.
If you don't enjoy carrying that mental load (some people do) then make more of an effort to relax, let things go. Start small. Your husband likely knows how to do this so copy that? What is the worst that would happen if say you didn't remind him to do something or if you left the mess the children made? The results might not be perfection but why do you need that?
You are also not clear on whether you want a relationship with your husband?

Ask him what things you say that don’t need saying.

This then puts the ball back in his court, he can list of all the ways you’re bossy and at the same time he’s giving himself a list of jobs that he obviously knows needs doing so he’ll get get on with them without being told to-do so. Happy days!

The nothingness in your relationship is a worry though. Constantly telling someone what to do isn’t going to help this. Let him work out what needs doing to be a part of a team. Team work makes the dream work!

Ah the classic MN structured post - subject ostensibly posts about an issue, then drip feeds the (obvious) real issue, in this case OPs non existent relationship. Drives me batty!
Being bossy is the least of your worries OP.