Help! I feel likeI’m screwing it all up

[Tirednhopeful]

Help (and sorry for the long post). I am totally at my wits’ end. I have two extremely sensitive children. I love them to pieces * *and to some extent I understand their behaviour as I’m innately sensitive too. But I honestly sometimes feel like I don’t know what to do. Did I just get unlucky with a particularly challenging situation? Am I doing something wrong?!

My DD7 has recently been going through a situation where she gets extremely worked up/sensitive about bedtime. She will cry and shout and not go to sleep until very very late, saying she is upset about going to school (she actually in general seems very happy at school , has lots of friends , likes learning etc). And tonight (again) a teeny tiny moment of upset (caused by a pillow fight with her brother) spiralled into her screaming if I tried to put her brother to bed, or leave her be for a bit and blocking the way if I tried to go downstairs). I want to stress that nothing mega has recently changed at home, and I spend so much time with my kids - I try hard to spend time with them after school and in the holidays (I have a flexible job!) my DD makes a big fuss about being nervous or upset about holiday camps or clubs etc) honestly I feel like I’m stretching myself more than anyone I know and my children can take less than any other kids I can see… but then my DD does genuinely seem sad and anxious and I don’t want to judge her for that!

And then DS10 (who may have some undiagnosed SEN issues i think - borderline mildly autistic, but equally has lots of friends, does very well at academics and in general likes school, although I think feels the pressure to be very good at everything even through we encourage growth mind set etc) has recently told me that he has a “sadness” all the time except when he is with his friends. I’m glad that he feels he can trust me to tell me this but it obviously makes me worried and I’m wondering what we can do.

My general feeling is that he is very sensitive rather than there is something specifically wrong, and also with DD that she is very sensitive too and that I need to help them face life. I want to do this and have always tried to teach (and model) that all emotions are ok but certain behaviours aren’t etc. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing a good job of this, sometimes not (and in the past me and dh argued too much, which occasionally the children saw, but I feel like we’ve got a handle on that now).

I had quite an unhappy childhood because of the way my parents raised me (real emotions not really allowed) so it’s really important to me to do this right but I feel like somehow I’m screwing all this up because my children seem unhappy despite everything. What I actually feel like to be honest is that I am trying so so hard but that somehow I’m expected to be superhuman with two children who need so so much. (More than other children need? I don’t know. Either way it feels impossible sometimes that I can be trying so hard to be patient and understanding and kind and emotionally literate and that people seem so unhappy.) I feel v despairing right now. Any advice so appreciated thanks.

Bump

This time of year is exhausting - I wouldn’t judge any child’s behaviour at Christmas. There’s a lot of stimulation, excitement, disruption to routine, nervous anticipation. And most of them have had or currently have some form of cough or cold, so sleep is often poor quality.

Many kids need a lot of time to decompress after school, work through feelings and ideas and experiences. Let them explore it if they wish to, and don’t over-react when they share. Do some reading on how to ask questions that help them reflect and reach their own conclusions. Age 10 is a difficult time for friendships as children mature at such different rates.

As for your 7 yo I think you are doing fine - giving her time to tackle transitions, minimising how many new experiences she has to confront, may be helpful. We keep weekends calm and regular - a family swim or cycle, Saturday clubs, visit grandparents, spend time in the house or garden, do homework, church, Sunday roast dinner. Occasionally parties or playdates or trips out. But we avoid too much social noise - who actually needs Lapland or Santa Afternoon Tea for example?!

Holiday clubs can be intimidating - always check there is a friend going and you’ll have fewer problems. Everything is better with a buddy.

It sounds to me like you are doing a brilliant job and not screwing it up at all. The fact that your 10 year old is able to describe that feeling of sadness to you, name it and feel comfortable talking to you about it is a sign that you have a great relationship and have done a good job teaching him to understand his feelings.
It sounds like your daughter is finding the transition to sleep very challenging. I think this is totally normal for a 7 year old. (Admittedly my children are autistic so I may not be a good judge of "normal", but I think crying and being upset at bedtime is pretty normal). My daughter used to squeak like a guinea pig for hours at bedtime when she was 7/8/9. She just found it so stressful. She didn't want to be left alone, didn't want to lie awake in bed, just didn't like the change from being awake.
Try not to compare yourself to others. Yes there will be other families whose children seem to sail through life and happily go to all th clubs going. Then you have families whose children struggle to even leave the house and go to school, let alone go to a holiday club! Yes it is very very challenging parenting highly sensitive children. But it sounds like you are doing a great job of it.

In my experience some kids go in phases with this sort of thing and it's partly testing how you'll react - whether you'll still be loving if they push for more attention. I have one twin who's always done this & one who doesn't, so that showed me it was about their individual personalities & not anything I've done or not done! It can be exhausting but doing what you're doing - listening, not punishing, helping - will form a bedrock of trust that hopefully will reduce the anxiety. It has for me. A teacher also once gave me a really useful little thing to say to her which was "big deal or little deal?" We would talk over which it was, and it genuinely helped her to regulate feelings.
Nothing at their ages is necessarily permanent. But even if it is- some people do feel a deep down sadness a lot of the time, or react to everything a little more than others seem to - I'm like that and I know it won't change! - and having someone hear and understand that without judging, rather than panicking or trying to fix it, is priceless.
Do not despair. you sound a lovely mum, and them showing their feelings to you shows that they feel safe with you. It doesn't mean you've failed. Them covering up and trying to please you would be far more troubling in the long run.
Best of luck!