Exploded at DH in front of kids

[SnugSheep]

Yesterday, I got really angry with DH in front of the kids and now I feel like an awful parent.

DH was sat on the floor looking up something on his phone with a (cold) tea in the other hand. DS (11 months) was crawling up him and I saw what was about to happen. I warned DH but he didn’t listen and DS toppled over sending the tea everywhere. I just snapped. DH didn’t deserve the strength of my reaction and my DD (3.5) was rattled.

After calming down I apologised to DH in front of DD and he graciously accepted. I’ve apologised to DD too and explained it wasn’t right for me to do that and I won’t do it again. I’ve reiterated that again this morning with her. Is there anything else I should do? She’s not an overly sensitive child but it did unsettle her. she buzzed around me for a while and was a bit clingy to me. She’s back to having broken listening ears this morning so I’m hoping that means she’s fine, but I grew up scared of my mum because of her angry outbursts (at my dad, who did provoke it, and us) and I would HATE to repeat that for DD. 🥺

I should add that DH is a great husband and father. He’s not one of these useless ones who’s basically a burden. He does his genuine fair share and he’s always there for me when I need him emotionally or otherwise.

But I’ve been struggling lately with feeling very overwhelmed and stressed. Like I have no capacity to withstand even the smallest annoyance or inconvenience. I feel it in my body, which I guess is cortisol? It’s horrible. I haven’t really slept in a year because of DS, but I’m about to turn 43 and I wonder if it’s perimenopause? I’m still breastfeeding DS so idk if that makes a difference? I’m also waiting to be assessed for ADHD and autism, though I’m very high masking if I have either. But if that’s the case the mask is definitely slipping… I feel myself losing control of more than just my temper - my ability to relax, to enjoy things, to stay positive. I want to feel better, for me, and to be a better wife and parent, but I’m at a loss really 😢

You’re only human, we have all had moments like this. I certainly have. Be kind to yourself. You apologised which is the main thing.

This is a very small thing and I think your reaction and worry about it is part of the other bigger issue. So forget about this small outburst. Your DD clearly has. Focus on what caused it. You are tired and overwhelmed. I think you should see a GP and talk about how you are feeling and raise the possibility of being peri menopausal. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Is there anything you can do to get a few good nights sleep? Sleep can make all the overwhelming things that little bit easier to cope with.

I don’t have the answers but I think the fact this is the exception & not the rule in your house means it’s highly unlikely your DD will be damaged by the experience.

Not sleeping for a year plus breastfeeding can’t be underestimated as being a huge stress trigger, and kindly it IS frustrating when you warn someone a cup of tea is about to be tipped & then it happens. I would have been annoyed, most people would. Your DH forgiving you instantly, again I think that highlights that this isn’t a pattern of outbursts in your home.

hormones could be a factor, I know myself that I’ve gone from ever patient & accomodating to just thinking FOR FCK SAKE on a loop most days at home and work, despairing inside about things like SKs breakfast bowls being left on the table for me to clear & mud trod over the rug again when they come in from sports, stuff I literally didn’t give a fig about before. I’ve not shouted (yet) but I’m sure there’s a tenseness in my voice more often. Everything feels harder and more sad & basic tasks tinged with anxiety and I know it’s just that time of my life, I’m trying to give myself grace and I hope you can too.

It’s done now, you’ve apologised, anything more would be making more of a big deal out of what happened and over blowing its importance. It’s good for your daughter to see that people get cross, apologise and get over it and move on. If you don’t move on you’re dwelling in the negativity and letting it take over. Just drop it.

This book helped me with managing and processing anger when my boy was a babe. Only you know how severe the outburst was, and you are right to be aware of not repeating your mother’s behaviour. It’s not a religious book really although I know it looks a bit woo www.amazon.co.uk/Buddhism-Mothers-Young-Children-Becoming/dp/1742371922/ref=asc_df_1742371922?mcid=06359288c2a0379f83f0d927431be02a&th=1&psc=1&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697292848274&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4417458339888660329&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006565&hvtargid=pla-491652820213&psc=1&hvocijid=4417458339888660329-1742371922-&hvexpln=0&gad_source=1

the more you bring it up with dd the more they’ll think about it. You were terrified, don’t beat yourself up! Plus you need sleep, do you look at screens or drink tea at night? Could you get a bit of fresh air and a shower at night? Can your dh deal with night wakings?

We're all human, you're making too big a deal out of it. Certainly apologising to a 3 year old TWICE is for your benefit only, to help your guilt.

Having a 3 and a 1 year old IS hard, breastfeeding and no sleep IS super hard (mine is 16 months and I'm still at it) and what your DH did IS annoying.

So maybe acknowledging you're in a hard phase will help.

Thanks all. I needed to apologise to DD again today because she was still rattled by it. Me and her Dad were joking about and she thought I was angry with him again. 🫤 I also read that it’s good to repeat the apology the next day when everything is calmer, just in case they don’t really hear or process it because of high emotions.

I’ve gained some perspective today and think people are right that it’s a hard time atm. There’s not a lot left in my tank but that’s to be expected! I forgot to mention in the OP that I also had a significant professional disappointment recently which kind of kicked me (hard!) while I was already down. Going to make a GP appointment in the morning to see about perimenopause.

Thanks everyone 🙏