My child hits and says he hates me.4years old son

[Emmyjane1983]

I'm at my wits end with my four year old. I love this little boy so so much. But his behaviour is making me not want to be around him. He has complete meltdowns over very silly things, we can be having the loveliest of times then bam he's gone into his demon mode. He hits, throws remote control,toys etc. he shouts he hates me. He's four. And it's so hard to not respond with telling him off. He hurts my baby neice and I can't allow him to hurt her,like putting his arms around her neck tight, she is three but she's tiny. I can honestly see how parents can loose it big time with this behaviour. I try to leave the situation and go in my room and yes cry sometimes,but he will be there beating down the door.
His behaviour at school is perfect which I cannot understand,so he is able to control his emotions. I feel I am also making it worse by responding with shouting and telling him off, but it's so difficult. It can be the main he wakes up he starts about something,and he will go all out in his bad temper. And then once he's got over that episode he goes back to normal, but I'm already in a bad mood for the rest of the day..and it continues after school . I'm desperately searching for things I can do to make it a calmer situation.

Our DC was a horror for tantrums at 4 - and hadn’t been prior to that at all. He also started hitting which he had never done either. And like yours, the behaviour elsewhere was perfect.

One of the best pieces of advice I got was “you can’t shout someone calm”. He’s clearly stressed and having a tantrum, so shouting will do absolutely nothing to help the situation - it’s only going to make his response bigger. You need to stay calm. I know that’s easier said than done but it genuinely does help.

I used to just say to mine “I can see that you’re very upset. It’s ok to feel upset but it is NOT ok to hit and I don’t want to be with someone who is hitting me so I’m going to go to the kitchen. When you’re ready to calm down you can come and get me”

Initially it made no difference and he just lost his shit because I wasn’t with him but I just repeated it constantly and he calmed down much quicker.

For what it’s worth - he’s just hit 5 and, fingers crossed, we seem to be out the other side of that now

Thank you for your reply. Yeah I am going to try that. He's also awaiting a diagnosis for asd. But I just don't get how he's fantastic at school, then it worries me that he behaves like this at home because of how I react. But it's takes a lot for me to get cross with him. X

There’s lots of complexities st play for him, it may be that he masks st school, containing all his emotional responses & they then explode out of him when st home.

School might be able to give some advice

staying calm acknowledging the emotion trying to distract him before he goes nuclear are really key

if on diagnosis pathway have you got OT involvement they might be able to offer sone advice if diverse sensory needs in play

“I feel I am also making it worse by responding with shouting and telling him off, but it's so difficult.”

I completely understand that it’s difficult, but shouting simply escalates the situation, and teaches him that it’s OK to shout if you’re angry or upset. You have to stay calm. What is it that he has meltdowns about? Is there any discernible trigger? Is he simply trying to get your attention? Hitting and throwing things is not OK. If he throws the remote, the telly goes off - he’ll soon get the message. If he throws toys, put them quietly away. Give him lots of attention: spend time with him - let him know he’s important, and that you always love him but you don’t love the poor behaviour. Does he feel that his little female cousin is getting more attention than him? The fact that he follows you to your bedroom says to me that he is seeking your attention, and ultimately your approval. He is only four - you need to find out what the problem is, and to praise the wanted behaviour so that he sees he can get your attention and approval by being good. I know this is very hard to put into practice, but it does work!
As for not understanding how he behaves at school, it will be an effort for him - all kids need to let off steam sometimes. You say his bad behaviour can put you in a bad mood for the rest of the day - don’t let him dictate your moods: you’re the adult here, and he may well interpret your bad mood as not just disapproval, but dislike. Everybody gets angry sometimes, but the fact that it’s becoming a regular thing means it needs addressing now, before it’s become a habit.

I agree. His meltdowns can be over absolutely anything, he threw my phone in my face yesterday and cut my lip ,all because I said he can't eat the entire advent calendar.. he literally is the apple if my eye, I tell him constantly what he means to me . But he doesn't listen. It's really doesn't get taken in. And he doesn't have a reciprocal conversation,he won't listen to what I say but is happy to keep talking about what he wants to. It's just draining. I know I'm not reacting the right way. But I just don't know how to deal with this. The school have offered me to speak to early help with ways to deal with this. And it's just me and him, he doesn't see his dad for his own safety and I don't get a break so it's full on 24-7. This little boy made me change my life ,and he will always be extra special because of that. I am at the end of my tether right now .

For what it's worth, it's not necessarily that he has good behaviour at school. He's just masking really heavily and when he's at home, all of the frustrations or changes or overstimulation of the day come out and that's when the aggression starts.

My son is 7 and is waiting for an ASD assessment. I'm 27 and also waiting for an ASD assessment. His meltdowns can trigger mine and it can be so hard. Put two people who won't back down into the same house and it can really become fraught. But what does help me is trying to understand both of our behaviour. I treat myself like I'd treat my child if I'm trying to figure out what's wrong - hungry? Tired? Overstimulated? Understimulated?

People say "try to recognise their triggers" but sometimes, there aren't any that are blindingly obvious, and when you're in the middle of your kid having a meltdown, or yourself, it's not the first thing your mind goes to.

It is really hard but I promise he doesn't have anything personal against you. It's hard to believe that, but it's true. He likely just hates the situation or how he feels but doesn't have the words for it yet x

Hi op, have you had his hearing checked?

My son was like this, especially with the constant hitting, and it turned out his ears were blocked with solid wax. I had to get them suctioned. It really helped.

One of the best pieces of advice I heard for tantrums is that the tantrum is s big emotional scary event for the kid. And so the best way to defuse future tantrums is to make sure nothing changes during the tantrum. So if kid is eating sandwiches for tea, the has a tantrum over something trivial, when they are calm then they come back to the table and continue having sandwiches for tea. then the kid learns that the world is stable and secure and the tantrum hasn’t changed anything. So the logic is that the tantrums should get smaller over time.

The thing is I was homeless and heavily addicted to substancesnwhen I found out I was pregnant,I was also homeless,living in a tent on the beach. For my little boy I got myself clean from a twenty plus yr habit, I got rid of his abusive and toxic father. And I am doing it all on my own. I have my own struggles and when he was born i did absolutely everything I could for my bby as he was I. Foster care for the first year of his life while I got mine sorted,I think iv added to his behaviour by being at his beck n call continuously.he only has me. And it is soul destroying to hear him say I hate you. He can have few days of being a absolute angel then out of nowhere it starts again. I feel like walking out sometimes but then I feel bad for feeling that way.

Yes he had his ears checked. I know he hears me because he hears what he wants to hear

As you're waiting for an ASD assessment can you find out if there's some kind of family hub or Sen support service locally that offers parenting classes? Some "typical" parenting advice won't be applicable for ASD but a lot of standard parenting advice is more about how to stay calm, focus on the behaviour you want rather than what you don't, and communicate in a clear way which will all help, and they might have more ASD specific info such as handling sensory needs or dealing with dysregulation. Your GP, SENCo if at school or health visitor might have access to something if you can't find it directly.

Well done on turning your life around but the fact that he spent the first year of his life in foster care will be playing a huge part in this. Have you read up on developmental trauma?

He doesn't hate you. You're his safe place which is why he feels safe enough around you to express these feelings.
ASD kids feel emotions incredibly intensely and at 4 he doesn't have the skills to articulate how he feels.
It sounds like you are doing an amazing job, but parenting a child with ASD is very different - it's extremely common for kids to be ok in school and explode at home. It's nothing you are doing wrong, he's just overwhelmed and needs to let it out before he can be calm. There's so much you can do to help him with this and have a better time at home.
Next time he says I hate you remember what he's really saying is he's struggling and he needs you.
Get some advice - parenting forums for ND kids would be helpful.
My DD is ASD too. You learn as you go along.

He's 4! Stay calm and consistent. It will pass.

If he's four, suspected ASD, and well-behaved at school, he is probably using up absolutely all of his ability to cope at school. There's nothing left for home, and so any tiny thing, and whooosh, everything erupts.

I would say the first priority is to think about what helps him recharge that coping ability and build that into the schedule. It might activity, bouncing, swinging, spinning, throwing. It might be tight hugs or being squashed under cushions. It might be a snack and screen time. It might be a cold drink and colouring. (And of course it might be different things on different days or in different circumstances, but most people have a bit of a pattern of what they do to help settle themselves when they are frazzled or angry or similar) Whatever generally helps him, he needs lots of it right now. Right after school if possible, potentially again later in the evening, regularly on weekends, etc.

It might also help to keep afternoons and weekends quite simple at the moment – even fun excitement does use up some of his ability to manage his emotions, and he might just not have enough right now. Predictable food that he likes (and isn't too tricky to eat, especially after school – using fork and knife together still takes work when you're four!). A simple routine, or choices within a safe, known set of options – park or soft play? When there is a special event, I would build in 'recharge activity' time before and after.

This is not outside the normal realm of 4 year old behavior. Also it’s nearly Christmas - they are all tired, dysregulated and over excited.
It’s ok to give a very firm telling off without shouting. I had a very firm look and streb voice that a used when I needed it.
There should also be an apology- when things have calmed down. A short explanation. Eg “you hurt mummy and you are going to say sorry”
All children at some point tell their parents they hate them. They in no way know what they are saying and really mean it. I would either ignore or respond with ‘ well I love you’ in a calm way and leave it at that.
What helped me was to remember that I was the adult, I was in charge - to believe in my own natural authority as my child’s parent. Children are totally dependent on us for everything. And yes they are hard hard work. Getting outside or swimming usually was really helpful - for them to burn off some steam and tire them out.

I really appreciate all these comments.they make so much sense. And am taking all of this onboard.