Is it normal for my toddler to be so aggressive?

[Stateyourbusiness]

He’s only 2y 3m old and I know they don’t develop impulse control until a bit later, but I’m growing increasingly frustrated with my toddler being constantly rough and quite aggressive.

I’m heavily pregnant, exhausted and overstimulated and finding it hard to remain patient when we’ve been trying to teach him to be gentle for the past year. First it was biting (me, the cat, other children). That was quite a long phase but with a consistent approach from DH and I and the nursery staff, he rarely does it any more, although still does occasionally when he’s overexcited. In recent months it’s changed to hitting when he doesn’t get his way. I think both things are probably normal for the age, tbh.

What I find concerning is his demeanour when he’s doing it (particularly the biting; the hitting is a more impulsive reaction). He grits his teeth, juts his jaw forward and physically shakes. It’s almost like cute aggression? It’s like something overcomes him and he just HAS to bite. He does it to our cat often, and he did it to me this morning. He giggles afterwards. And when I tell him to be gentle, he whispers ‘gentle’ and delicately strokes whoever he has just bitten.

He has the same expression (clenched jutting jaw, trembling) when he does other aggressive things like grabbing my skin and pinching, poking me really hard, slapping the sides of my pregnant belly with both hands.

Is this behaviour anything to worry about? We are very consistent with how we respond (‘hands are not for hitting’/‘teeth are not for biting’) and try to respond in a level manner so he’s not getting a big reaction, but it is hard not to get angry when you’ve been sharply bitten, or when he’s pulling the cat’s tail for the tenth time in a row.

Any advice/solidarity/reassurance that it’s all normal for his age would be much appreciated!

I should point out that otherwise he is a very affectionate little boy, very sociable, confident and charming, loves people and animals, and is always cuddling and kissing other children. We essentially trained him to turn his bites into kisses because we could tell he was doing it when he felt overwhelmed with affection 😆

I’m interested that you say you don’t give a big reaction and I’m wondering why? Do you think he understands that it hurts? I’d probably respond with a yell of pain and an “ouch, that hurt!”. I think he needs to understand that he’s hurt you and that isn’t ok at all.

Almost all the advice I’ve read says not to give a big reaction, as toddlers can find this funny/exciting and will continue the behaviour to elicit the reaction in future. The advice is always to remain calm, say no, and redirect.

I mean I try my best but obviously sometimes I yell in pain because being bitten hurts a lot!

He knows it hurts because we do say that. And he’s been bitten by others at nursery so he’s experienced it himself.

As somebody who has experienced the onset of toddler aggression twice, and nipped it in the bud twice, I firmly believe this advice is absolute baloney.

Toddlers do not understand complex speech but they are excellent at reading our facial expressions. A newborn can differentiate between happy and sad. If you ‘stay calm and talk to them’, not only do they have fuck all idea what you’re talking about but they have no idea of your disapproval. Thats why he’s saying ‘gentle’ straight after, because he is not connecting the initial biting with the need to be gentle because he doesn’t realise it hurts you and makes you cross.

When my toddlers hurt me or anyone else, I would say NO, OUCH in a loud voice with a cross face. Of course it upset them the first couple of times, but it quickly dampened down the aggression (DS, 2, has the odd moment but will now apologise without me even asking).

You need to let him see your disapproval and remember this is actually healthy.

I have a 7 year old and a 2 year 2 month old so I have been through this and currently going through it all over again , personally I find showing big emotion successful - not shouting but sad face and abit of pretend crying and I tend to get a hug and a pat on the back as an apology . My 7 year old is incredibly gentle and well behaved but still went through this phase .
we bought a few books about hitting which helped - hands are not for hitting it was called .

Worth a try! Thanks for sharing your experience. I mean that is definitely how we respond sometimes already but maybe we should switch to that consistently and see if we have any more success

It sounds like he really doesn't understand what you mean when you tell him to be gentle.

He's learnt you say 'gentle' after he bites or hits so that's what he's doing - saying 'gentle' after he's hit you.

Thank you. Glad to hear your 7yo is gentle now he’s older. We’ve got that book! And also the version about biting. Perhaps a ‘sad’ rather than angry reaction is the way to go.

You need to make sure they know they have done wrong. The gentle parenting mantra does not work in these situations. Ouch that hurt, no you mustn’t hit/bite: push then after that calmly explain a bit but you need to ensure they instantly know you are displeased

A two year old does not understand complex speech or emotions. You need to show him that it bloody well hurts and is unacceptable. Because quite frankly it won't be tolerated outside the home and nor should it be.

Stop your gentle parenting approach. No doubt the cat will be put up for rehoming when it has enough and stratches or bites him.

Just act like you would if anyone else bit you. Sad isn’t better than angry; and anger isn’t a shameful emotion.

Following with interest. My 21 month old is going through a very aggressive phase. He gets a big upset reaction when he does it to his 6 year old sister and he finds it HILARIOUS a targets her more than us so I get what OP is saying about staying calm. We do a firm ‘no’ and push him away. This generally leads to screaming and him continuing to try and do whatever he’s doing.

Both my cats would have solved this problem in seconds by duffing up the toddler.

OP is lucky her cat is also a devotee of gentle parenting but everyone has their limit and cat violence is a lot more serious than toddler violence.

Well… maybe…

But the one time my child dared to bite me I roared in pain and shock and absolutely growled at him. He absolutely shat himself, cried, and never did it again.

Whatever you think is the right way to deal with this clearly isn’t. Because it’s not working.

Go big or go home I reckon.