Hi,
I really need some support.
DS 14 mental health is deteriorating fast and I don't know how to help him.
He is severely anxious all of the time. He is telling me it's causing pain in his chest and tummy aches. He is having extremely negative thoughts about how other people view him. He has lost all his self confidence. His self esteem has gone. He never smiles anymore. I miss his smile so much.
I can't believe I'm writing this about him.
He was such a happy little boy. He was a glowing, radiantly happy calm content little boy, who loved his life. He was joyful and he used to be constantly smiling and laughing. Other parents would comment to me about what a lovely happy boy he was. And he was. Up until about a year ago.
He's now irritable, bad tempered, and permanently severely anxious. He has anxiety attacks regularly. If someone unexpectedly knocks on the front door, he'll sprint upstairs and hide in his room until they're gone. Even if it's a delivery man. Last night we had an amazon delivery, the driver knocked on the door, I was in the shower so couldn't get to the door, and DH was in the middle of doing something, so we called to DS please can you answer the door it's a delivery driver, and he wouldn't answer it. He froze in fear and had an anxiety attack in response to being asked to open the door. We were in town yesterday, and a motorbike sped past that was extra noisy, one of those ones where someone's done something to the exhaust to make it much louder than usual, as it sped past DS it sort of banged loudly, and poor DS literally jumped out of his skin, he actually physically jumped his whole body in shock and then stopped in his tracks looking really frightened and stressed. He's saying he's feeling overwhelmed at school every day. He's suddenly getting detentions left right and centre at school for not concentrating or not focusing on his class work, having never had a detention in year 7 or 8 (he's year 9 now). I talk to the teachers about his detentions and they say he's never badly behaved or never horrible to other kids or anything like that, but he keeps staring out the window or not doing the task the class have just been set, so the teachers issue detentions. I talk to DS about this and he says he keeps feeling overwhelmed or overloaded in class or starts feeling hyper anxious in class and can't hear what the teacher is saying so he misses instructions and then has to miss his breaktime because he gets put in the detention room for break. This makes him feel even more anxious and upset. I've tried explaining to his class teachers but I'm not getting anywhere. They seem to interpret his vacantness or internalised anxiety overload as rudeness or disengagement. I'm starting to hate his teachers actually; none of them seem to have any comprehension of mental health problems in quiet teenage boys and deal with the symptoms by giving punishments. He isn't loud or disruptive in class, his teachers confirm that. But they go on and on about how he doesn't maintain eye contact with them when they're teaching. This week he got a detention for turning round and looking behind him in class, over his shoulder, because he had a huge feeling of anxiety and fear and felt like he needed to look around his space. I understood this when he explained it to me. If someone was feeling frightened for whatever reason, I could understand them looking around their environment. But bang. Instant breaktime detention for looking behind him. Apparently it's a school rule that students must face forwards at all times. Another lesson, in drama - he walked behind the stage curtain. Instant breaktime detention. I spoke to the teacher to question this and she said she'd told the class at the start of the lesson not to go behind the curtain. So when DS did, she saw it as disobeying the rules. When I spoke to DS, he says he didn't hear her say not to go behind the curtain at the start of the lesson. Hed walked into the lesson feeling anxious and sick and couldn't focus on anything the teacher was saying. Hes getting detentions every day. This is escalating his anxiety further and it means he's not getting any down time or brain breaks between lessons because he's missing his break times every day. I've explained all this to school but I get met with very defensive responses by the teachers.
He's a quiet boy by nature. He's shy. He's not loud.
He says he feels stressed most of the time. I've asked him what he's feeling stressed about, he says he doesn't know.
He is struggling with maintaining his friendships. I've tried really hard to support his friendships, but I'm failing in my efforts to help. When he was at primary school I was always arranging play dates and taking him out with his friends and I'd invite their mums and we'd have lovely social times out. But now I'm finding that other mums have limited interest in organising stuff for the kids to do together now, at this age. I'm all for texting mums and offering to take them out together, to give DS a nice time with friends, but all I'm getting from other mums is "they're old enough to sort plans out by themselves now". But DS struggles to arrange plans.
He is telling me things like this: he was in PE first lesson of the day. He missed a score in the game. Some kid shouted at him "Get out of our team! Get out of our team!" And DS started having an anxiety attack because he got shouted at and he said it ruined the rest of his day. He couldn't concentrate in any of his lessons for the rest of the day. He got a detention for 'zoning out' in class because he was feeling anxious about having been shouted at. He spent the rest of the PE lesson feeling like everyone hated him, everyone thought he was bad at PE, nobody wanted him on their team, the whole PE class thought he was stupid for not scoring, on and on and on with spiralling negative thoughts. And tgis spilled out into the rest of the day, he spent the whole day feeling like that, with these thoughts amplifying and magnifying in his head, dominating his whole day. He got home and stayed in his room for hours, looking depressed. I tried really hard to talk it through and put this kid's yelling in PE into perspective, but nothing helped to lift his mood.
Another example, he was in the canteen getting lunch. A boy he's mates with walked past him, without acknowleding him. DS had an instant anxiety attack. He said he started thinking "What have I done wrong, what have I done to make him blank me, what have I said to upset him, what have I done wrong to offend him, oh no he doesn't like me anymore, he doesn't want to be friends with me anymore, oh no I've lost his friendship, he's gonna tell everyone he doesn't like me anymore, panic, panic, panic". He said he started sweating, felt sick, chest pain, head was swirling round. Went back to lessons unable to concentrate. Couldn't remember anything the teacher said or taught in his lessons afterwards because he was consumed with anxiety. Then walking out of school this same kid walked out with DS, chatted away happily to him all the way out, big smile, gave him a fist bump goodbye and said see you tomorrow nicely. No issues. I know this kid and I honestly think he simply walked past DS in the canteen and just didn't register he was there, for whatever reason. Maybe didn't even notice or see him. Certainly wasn't any reason for DS having an anxiety attack over it and unable to focus in lessons afterwards.
He's developed social anxiety too, really badly. And he's developed anxiety about talking to my adult friends, he can't look any of them in the eye and gives shutdown answers when they try to exchange pleasantries with him - he comes across as really rude.
He is taking everything the wrong way all of the time. I can say the simplist most inoffensive thing and he will take it the wrong way completely.
He is telling me things he's taken offence to tbat friends have said and I can hear hes taken them all the wrong way.
He's a highly sensitive boy. Thoughtful. Considerate. He has high levels of emotional intelligence, he's advanced in this for his age. Yet conversely, he's misinterpreting others a lot, which I realise is contradictory.
He's grateful, thankful, humble in life. He's quiet but once he feels comfortable with someone he can chat really well about interesting things. He loves the natural world and the countryside. He loves biking and swimming and going out to nice places. He does clubs after school. He's such a lovely boy. He has a truly lovely personality. His younger DS absolutely adores him. I absolutely adore him and so does DH (his DF). We tell him every day of his life that we love him and are proud of him.
I am spending hours on end every week listening to him talking about his anxiety, his emotions, his feelings, his experiences, his school days, his interactions. I am making it my priority to listen to him when he needs to talk.
He keeps on saying "Please help me, I feel so low".
I am really struggling because I don't know how to help. I'm doing everything I can think of to give him a nice time, taking him out to nice places and taking him to nice events, spending loads of quality time with him, going for long walks with him to listen to him talk and giving him endless support and advice, guiding him, helping him with his feelings. I'm cancelling my own social plans to be there for him. I've last minute cancelled 2 Christmas evenings out with friends over the past fortnight that I'd been really looking forward to, and didn't show up for my work Christmas do, because DS was having severe anxiety and I couldn't walk out and leave him.
I'm overwhelmed, emotionally drained and mentally exhausted. Every day he wakes up saying he feels low.
He denies any bullying at school.
I think he's got undiagnosed innatentive ADHD; the profile fits him exactly. Does ADHD affect mood?
GP said CAMHS is 3 year waiting list but has referred him anyway. He'll be 17 by the time an appointment is available.
I've done everything I can to love and care for DS his whole entire life. I've only ever treated him with love and kindness. I'm a calm, gentle parent. I've always prioritised him and supported him. I've done everything I can to give him a lovely, secure, stable, life and he used to be such an incredibly happy bright eyed little boy.
How do I help him now? What am I not doing right?