20 month DD meltdowns

[Maisie2409]

Hi everyone,

I have posted about the DD before, however we seem to be even more in the trenches than ever before.

DD is constantly melting down / tantrumming at the smallest triggers. Not only this, but tantrums last a VERY long time and she never comes out of them without needing a complete change of scenery and ++ distraction…the only thing that currently works is taking her out for a drive whilst playing nursery rhymes (however the stress at getting a back arching, screaming toddler into the car is something else). It can take her 45 minutes or so to calm, even an hour sometimes. She’s been tantrumming since she turned 1 and since 16 months or so, we’ve tried to follow recommended advice around tantrums eg staying calm, holding the boundary, but we haven’t seen any progress…the tantrums have just increased in frequency and volatility. It feels like we’re making life so hard for our self with holding boundaries etc, but with no progress to give us hope?!

For context, she is a very good communicator (speaks in short sentences and can tell us exactly what she wants), so this isn’t linked to frustration at not being able to communicate well. Shes very sociable and such a character - everybody who meets her falls in love with her (when she’s not screaming!). I work in the area of neurodiversity and don’t believe this to be the case for her. In comparison to my friends who have toddlers, she seems to have the most intense temperament by a long way.

Even as a baby, she had a very fiery and strong willed temperament and needed constant entertainment (being out of the house) or she would cry all day.

What is scaring me is forums saying they’re toddlers’ tantrums peaked at 3 years old. I don’t know how it can get worse from here. Feeling really worn down by this all - would really appreciate some hope right now!

No kids are the same, I have a very fiery child and his tantrums definitely peaked between 18mo-2yo. Then we had another bad patch just as he turned 3, but it didn't last long and I would say 3 has actually been quite calm. He's nearly 4 now.

What is your strategy for when she's in full tantrum? X

Thanks so much for getting back to me - that’s reassuring that you’ve come across a peak around 18-24 months…praying that’s the case for us! How did you manage the tantrums - were they any strategies that particularly worked?

We’ve tried just validating her emotion, holding the boundary but otherwise not giving much attention to the tantrum. This doesn’t seem to be working as I tried this the other day, but got to 45 minutes and changed tac as she wasn’t even remotely calming.

We’ve had some success in the past at taking her outside and trying to switch her into logical brain ‘where’s the cat’ etc, but this no longer seems to be helping! Current strategy is to go for a drive if she hasn’t calmed by 30 minutes or so, but again - not overly sustainable!

It seems that your daughter has learned that she needs to keep the tantrum going until she gets what she wants - the change of scenery, drive in the car, unlimited attention. Your approach needs to be consistent but it's going to be difficult so it's possible you might need professional advice.

Ah okay, yes that might be case. We sometimes do find the tantrums are occurring as we’re about to leave and due to needing to get to nursery / me to work etc there naturally is a change of scenery as we don’t have time to wait for her meltdown to finish! Outside of these circumstances, we perhaps need to stick it out at home for longer and see if she can finally calm herself - although I dread to think how long this might take!

My DH and I are generally very calm people and so we’re quite baffled as to how we have such a fiery daughter. I’m also pregnant, feeling exhausted and find myself dreading days off with her due to these meltdowns, which I feel terrible admitting. We also haven’t yet introduced screen time as feel we need to get a handle on the tantrums first - otherwise I feel like it will make our life harder

I am sure I am asking a silly question - but does she get enough sleep?

Mine are 100% worse when tired, and I know some children find it hard to sleep through the night.

I have been known to have a tantrum myself when I am tired.

Don’t rule out neurodiversity, my strong willed gorgeous girl was similar at that age, and it continued and now highly suspect she is autistic (not officially diagnosed).
What are the triggers? Was often demands for us eg getting dressed, out the bath, leaving house, going to bed etc.
does help when they learn some emotional regulation - really hoping it gets easier soon for you🙏🙏

Thanks for your response! Were there any other ASD signs at this sort of age aside from the emotional dysregulation? I’m fairly certain my daughter isn’t autistic, however can’t rule out ADHD - she’s always been extremely ‘busy’.
We haven’t yet noticed a pattern to triggers - it’s so varied. Wanting to wear her welly boots to bed, wanting cake at bedtime, not being given the colour socks she had in mind etc etc….
She had the flu recently and tantrums have really escalated even more so since that - wondering if there’s a ‘hangover’ of sorts from it.
I’m pleased things have got a little easier for you now on the regulation side of things - thanks again!

Not a silly question - I was wondering this myself! She’s always been relatively low sleep needs and we have nightmare bedtime battles on our hand if she naps for too long or too late in the day…I could try to giving her a longer nap to see if it helps and cross the bedtime bridge when we come to it! Night sleep is pretty inconsistent - she sometimes sleeps through but also sometimes wakes semi frequently. We’ve had a run of illness and she’s pretty delayed on the teething front, so have molars/canines coming through etc which isn’t helping!!

Hyperlexia can be a sign of ASD though OP as can low sleep needs. How does she do on this simple progress checker?

Thanks - I just went through the progress checker and she’s well on track in every area. She is very good at pretend play, joint attention, understands instructions and is very socially motivated/competent. I wouldn’t say her expressive language is as advanced to the level of hyperlexia, more like what would be typical for a 2 year old e.g. combining words to make simple sentences ’daddy read book’, ‘mummy drink tea’ etc

I wouldn't rule out neurodiversity either. In girls it can look very different. What you describe is the more classic signs, lack of eye contact etc, lack of speech but girls do tend to present differently with many not being diagnosed untill much later on.

Meltdowns lasting an hour at 20 months would be a red flag for me.

I appreciate what you’re saying and will keep an eye out over the coming months/years, however one ‘red flag’ is nowhere near enough to meeting any thresholds for ASD. I have spent numerous years working in the area of autism and have also worked with girls who do, of course, present differently with the masking etc. I do think we can be too quick to discount natural variations in personality and temperament. Children can be strong willed and feisty without always being neurodiverse.

I’m also reflecting on how much she has been ill over the past few months which I think, in hindsight, has contributed to some of this dysregulation with feeling in pain etc. I think my husband and I need to try and get a better grip at managing the tantrums, as we may well have been adding tantrum ‘fuel’ to the fire. Will try a new approach and see how the next few months go

I think that there is a huge variety on personality as you say. For us though the prolonged tantrums were difficult avd DD eventually ended up with a diagnosis of AuDHD. Not saying that your DD will even need assessing but a child that can’t regulate after around 15 minutes is unusual and maybe a little out of step with her peers.

If you’ve worked in area of Autism for many years, can I ask what do you think of the Social & Emotional Ages & Stages?