Advice for DD 17 year old

[Natasha35]

I am at the end of my tether with my 17 year old.

can everyone tell me what they do for their 17 year olds because I think she’s lazy and has 0 respect for me and DH!

I cook dinner she throws half of it away then raids the snack cupboard.

I do her washing if she puts it in the wash bin however not weeks worth in 1 go. This never happens she will literally leave it until she has no clothes and want it washed dried and put away within a day.

her bedding has not been washed in 6 months 🤢

her floor has not been hoovered (not that you can do much of it) for weeks meaning all the grime is being tread round our house.

i probably collect 4 + towels from her room a week.

She does nothing around the house, will literally leave cereal up the floor, dishes on the side etc.

she does walk the dog once a week.

She does work 2 evenings a week which me and her dad take and pick up. No please thank you.

she goes to college 2.5 days per week

Am I expecting to much or is she taking the micky?

what jobs do your 17 year olds do?

do I cave and hoover the floor and change her bed?

I’d be sitting down with her, explaining that the family is a team and everyone has to play their part now she’s growing up. If she wants treating like a grown up, she has to behaviour like one. Perhaps stop with the lifts until you see an improvement in her behaviour but explain to her clearly what your expectations are.

over her life have you re-thought your relationship as she reaches new stages? that was the best bit of advice i got about bringing up children.

My first thoughts: either no snack cupboard, or you lock it.
Discuss your menu plan for the week and give her a chance to help you tweak it a bit?
Do you plate up her food and give her too much? How about you give her half of what you usually give her, and she can have seconds if still hungry? (no access to snacks unless she buys them herself)

Laundry: either you continue to do her washing, in your own time, or she takes over her own washing. (with a schedule: such as alternate days for access to washing machine)
if she runs out of clothes it is not your problem (even if you are still doing her laundry

You give her clean bed linen once a week, that is it. If she doesn't change her bed linen either you go in and do it or you just drop it. She can fester.

What the heck has she got on her floor that is being trod round the house? either: put a mat outside her room to catch it all. Or tell her the floor is to be done weekly. If neither is ok: you go in, anything on the floor goes in a bin bag (or two, or three) and put on her bed for her to sort, you vac the floor weekly.

She gets 4 towels. That is it. If they are wet and mouldy that is her look out. Lock the rest away.

She is told to clear up the things she uses (cereal bowls) or she gets one set of cutlery & crockery and that is it. Not clean? she can eat off dirty crockery. Get a plastic box, if she won'T move them, they go in the box for her to wash up.

Your DH and you need to be firmer if you want change.

ETA: no lifts until she starts to show consistent improvement over, say, 6 weeks. Then add lifts etc in bit by bit. She has to earn help.

we have tried this several times and whilst we are having a chat she’s all on board. It will change for 1 week maximum and then that’s it.

Surely she must be sick of me keep on about her room than I am saying it.

Shes just so rude with everything literally turns her nose up when she asks what’s for dinner,

I did go for a period of 2 months where she was doing her own washing but she would leave the washing in the machine all day meaning I had no use of it.

Are you still giving lifts?

This is really helpful I didn’t think of buying her a set of towels etc.

We do have a meal planner every week. It’s food we all enjoy. That’s why when she comes home and asks for what’s for dinner turns her nose up it’s disheartening as the planner is on the fridge.

It’s all bits of fluff, rubbish god knows what else.

Do not do her laundry or clean up her areas.

Do not cook a portion of food for her unless she requests it in reasonable time and wants to eat with you at the table. Else she can buy her own meals or snacks with her wages. So no more stocking the snack cupboard.

If her room is a mess that's on her. I don't think you can force her to clean her room nor should you go into her space and do so.

You may have to watch her living in squalor for a bit before she realises you're not doing this stuff for her anymore and if she wants to be dirty then it's a reflection on her own character. Not yours as a mum. You've done enough.

The lifts are mainly to and from her evening job she is able to get public transport there but not home.

She knows this and knows I won’t let her walk home 9pm of an evening.

Did she never have set chores growing up and she has just stopped doing them?

Well let her make her own way there. Let her sort out her own washing. Close the door on her room. And she cooks once a week for all of you. If she doesn’t, no access to the snack cupboard.

This is my error she did have set chores to the point I put them on a spreadsheet.

she just stopped doing them again I was constantly repeating my self.

She was meant to help with dinner 1 day a week happened 2 times.

Unload the dish washer the problem is she comes home goes to her room I cook the dinner and 9 times out of 10 it’s been unloaded whilst I am in the kitchen.

if I ask her to feed the animals if me and DH not around she literally fills the bowls up so there’s cat biscuits everywhere dog meat etc.

its like she does not care, I keep repeating myself then get upset/angry we have a slanging match raised voices she changes for a week vicious circle.

I was just about to ask exactly what @MinnieCauldwell has just asked.

If she has always mucked in and had her own tasks around the house, her room in particular, which became habitual from when she was quite young, to suddenly stop would be quite concerning. Teenagers can get slovenly but to have stopped mucking in altogether seems extreme. Maybe she is depressed or has some other health issue that she is reluctant to talk to you about.

Yes that’s Tuesdays lunch box on the floor. I couldn’t even tell you what’s across the whole floor

the house although is not perfect and I do not clean every day. I work full time have a baby my DH works full time also.

she has the most free time out of us all.

How has it got to this situation? Did she not need to do her chores when she was younger? If she wants her clothes, washed, dried and put away that day then point her in the direction of the washing machine.

Hey,

Weve always asked her to do small jobs, from the age of 10 I used to pay her £1 for pairing the socks etc. trying to teach her to value of money, savings etc.

The problem I have realised and she knows if she don’t do it I will. I let it slide and slide for week then bammmn..

maybe this is on me.

however since she’s started college from September she has changed in the respect and keeps saying she’s an adult now, she’s independent.
she loves college, has a boyfriend who is her whole world 🙄 . She doesn't want to be treated like a child. The odd swear word has come out etc

Stop giving lifts! Are you surprised she’s walking over you? She’s earning her own money therefore she can take responsibility for her own transport.

I would change her sheets for her and hoover her floor just as a kindness this once. You don't have to do it ever again but she will appreciate it. It sounds like she is quite independent in other ways and this might go an unconditional way of connecting/supporting her. Just because you have a baby and jobs doesn't mean that parenting goes out the window - if she had had a baby sister when she was a toddler that wouldn't have been a reason not to look after her.

Think of it in terms of building bridges not that you are being a pushover.

My daughter was incredibly messy but she did other good things worked hard outside home college friendships etc and I think occasionally I would do her room just to help her for her, not for me. To start with her room was a me problem but once I started thinking of it as her responsibility then in a way I was able to just offer "kindness and help" occasionally. But no routines or ultimatums helped really they didn't

Maybe when things are calm, ask her what she thinks being an adult means etc. You’ll have to think of some verbal gymnastics to avoid it spiralling into an argument and perhaps more importantly, steering her into realising what a child she is being.

Ask her how she can possibly describe herself as independent when she doesn’t financially support herself, doesn’t get herself to or from places she needs to be, will as happily sit in mes and filth as a toddler and contributes absolutely nothing to her home as adults must while being ungrateful to the other adults who are providing for her.

Maybe if you can find a way of saying those things that will get her thinking rather than throwing a tantrum, she will decide for herself to stop being an arsehole.

The problem is I have done this on several occasions and she does not show any gratitude or even say thanks.

another thing that wound me up now I’m on a rant is she said Sunday she needed work boots for college they was here on the Tuesday no please no thank you. Just “there a bit short” is this a generational thing. She knows the importance of manners

Respect isn't something you can order someone to give you. It doesn't always take the form you think it might. And respect might not be what she needs to feel for you right now aged 17. Maybe she just needs to feel you are a safe harbour whilst she sorts out her own complicated life and you telling her how busy you are isn't really going to help her in that respect. Been there and been on that receiving end of that as a teen myself.
Yes they are foul and unreasonable but we are grownups modelling different behaviour.

"She knows the importance of manners"....but the point is it isn't so important to her at this stage as fitting in with her peers and looking good etc ..her mind is on other things...building independence not just placating you.

If she wants to be an adult and says she’s not a child then she is responsible for her own washing, getting to and from work, and buying clothes etc? I’d have never gotten away with any of what you’re describing! You’re being way too soft. If she runs out of clothes then how is that your problem? Stop doing stuff for her! She earns a lift home from work, for a start she can make her own way there. Is she planning to go to university? What’s her plan for washing and stuff there?

If her bedlinen is 6 months old that isn't several occasions - you are now talking about a time when she was even younger when you last helped her with her sheets. I would just strip her bed once a week and put a set of clean sheets on the bare mattress until she gets the message. You don't have to make her bed. Hoover the middle of the carpet whilst you are in the corridor and when she is out. Tell her good things about herself (you just told us plenty of good things about her) don't keep repeating the narrative that she is ungrateful and lazy to her face.

When she feels good good vibes will start flowing back your way

We do praise her a lot, and we are so proud of her accomplishments. She absolutely smashed her GCSEs that was our weekends and evenings revising power points. She’s recently passed her theory which was great and again me and DH did say we needed to allow 1 hour daily together.

I did have a hard trouble with the transition from primary to secondary school. Not picking her clothes out, etc but we got though it.

on the flip side of this she can be very spoilt example for her birthday we set aside £800 for her driving lessons and got her £300s worth of presents including a £120 coat she asked for. She also asked for a laptop but we said no as it’s very expensive and she could have it for Christmas. She literally argued for 2 days over it said we was horrible she wants to laptop she don’t care about the coat was really nasty to her dad.

She doesn’t want to go to UNI she’s doing a 2 year T-Level and then hoping for an apprenticeship.

she has said she can’t wait to move out with her boyfriend. She also thinks I’m the worse mum in the world because I won’t allow her boyfriend around when no one is at home !

Next time she says she can't wait to move out, tell her how many days it is until she's 18 and give her a suitcase.