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Parenting

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Original poster

Should 5&7yo witness a burial?

7 replies

BlueShed · 10/12/2025 20:32

It’s MIL funeral tomorrow and the plan had been for DC to attend the service and then be taken away during the burial but the person who would
have taken them now can’t make it. There isn’t anyone else attending that the kids know and they aren’t the sort who will just go with newly met adults.

DH and I had reached that plan because we both feel witnessing the coffin being lowered is a very stark visual picture which DC will never be able to unsee. We intend to take them to visit the grave soon. It will also be a very emotional moment for DH and I had hoped to support him.

The only option is for me to take the kids, but now I’m thinking it, I wonder if we’ve reached the best decision. There’s a lot of info on kids attending funerals, but I can’t specifically find anything on the burial aspect.

OP posts:

Mintearo7 · 10/12/2025 20:54

Go with your gut, I didn’t take my dc (3 and 7) to my grandma’s funeral last week but it was an open coffin situation so in some ways a bit of an easier decision. Personally, I would err on the side of caution- as time moves on people and society become more sensitive to what is appropriate, and in this case I think it’s good to be mindful of what memories your children will hold and not have them at the burial.

Snowtoast · 10/12/2025 21:23

I think in this situation other family members will support your DH during the burial and will completely understand if you are not present at this point.

Original poster

BlueShed · 10/12/2025 21:35

Yes, I definitely want to err on the side of caution. DH will manage, and as you say, have other family with him.

OP posts:

mondaytosunday · 10/12/2025 21:38

I took my kids to their grandfathers cremation service. They were 3 and 5. I had explained what happens and what it means when the coffin goes behind the curtain and they helped spread the ashes at his home abroad the following year. Then my DH passed away suddenly when they were 4 and 6. Again they went. In both cases I did not have them at the reception that followed as I thought they’d be bored. But they understood what was happening and it didn’t traumatise either of them. In fact I believe it help them understand what was happening to the bodies. Kids are fairly black and white and being real about what is going on is more helpful than being vague and trying to ‘protect them’. I don’t see how watching the coffin be put in the ground is any more disturbing than any other part of the service. It would demonstrate to them why these graves exist.
An ex boyfriend was not allowed to go to his mother’s funeral at age 8 and he always resented it.
But do what you think is best obviously.

fatcat2007 · 12/12/2025 21:35

My kids went to a burial at that age along with some cousins. It was utterly fine. They have some frank questions which you need to be prepared for but honestly it was no big deal. I had told them in advance what would happen, and that it was normal to cry at funerals so they might see grown ups including me crying. My family are Irish Catholic though so it’s very normal for us. I would still take them even if it were open casket, they wouldn’t have to view if they didn’t fancy it on the day, but I think they’d be curious.
I’m very sorry for your loss. Whatever you do will be fine.

TheNameisNOTZiggy · 12/12/2025 21:51

My then 5yo went to the crematorium when his granny died. Some humorous memories from it too.
however you will want to support your husband not look after your kids. So can you get a familiar adult to stay with the kids away from the Grave? Neat but not right there?
or hire a babysitter to come with you?
we have done that for a number of weddings.

babysitter comes and takes kids for snacks and games at a certain moment - away from the action and then looks after kids during the celebration after?

id consider that.

kids don’t remember much. DS does not remember the crematorium. And it was a memorable occasion for various macabre reasons

mikado1 · 12/12/2025 22:01

Mine were at my DM's at similar ages and were absolutely fine and again and my dad's a few years later. Never thought of not bringing them. Death is part of life. It demystified it and they remember it as a family occasion like others. Coffins were open also. I of course didn't force anything and they could decide if they didn't want to go into the room etc. Children are very accepting of reality and of life once we explain things to them.

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