Is this just what having two kids is like?

[thisiswhat]

I am not enjoying it at all and I feel absolutely horrendous guilt because at the risk of sounding dramatic and over the top I feel like my five year olds childhood ended when I had a second baby. At first it was OK, obviously babies take a lot of time but they are portable. Now she’s a toddler (two and a half) and while they do get on, her behaviour is just so demanding and relentless and I’m at a loss to know what to do with her.

If he has something, she wants it. For example when he came in from school he was playing with a toy tool box and she just kept crying, whining, trying to take them off him, he couldn’t play with it because she just kept grabbing and crying. Attempts to sort of ‘reason’ her out of it just don’t work; she ignores me and carries on screaming / crying. If I move her away she goes straight back. So the only way to manage it is for her to be removed somewhere she can’t get to him like her room (where we still hear her screaming) or ds basically cannot play with toys in communal spaces. Which feels shit; he’s five, not fifteen.

It’s so constant and it’s just made me miserable. I wish all the time I only had one child to be honest.

Oh this sounds hard for all of you! The rule in our house is that if someone is playing with the toy it's their turn. It can be as long as they like, as long as they are actively playing. If noone is playing with a toy then anyone can play (siblings or friends over for instance). If someone struggles then they are removed and physically blocked from returning to that area if necessary. This has been enforced from the start with no exceptions and it works really well with my 4.5 year old and 2.5 year old. Just keep stopping her approaching and explaining the rule and make sure it works both ways.

How do you enforce that @Sillysoggyspaniel , do you put one child in a room? I do need to be really firm on this as it’s driving me mad and must be so frustrating for ds but I don’t want to be too hard on dd either! Very emotional post earlier but I genuinely don’t know how to deal with it.

So if will go something like this:
Child tries to take toy
Other child squeals and protests
I verbally remind that is someone is playing they have to ask for a turn and wait until they are finished
If they don't, I then say I can see your finding it hard to wait for your turn so I'm coming to move you away
Often they run off at this point, but if not I move and pick them up and move them to the other half of the room. They are pretty dysregulated at this point so I say I know it's really hard to wait for a turn and offer a cuddle. I physically block any moves back. I offer two alternatives once calm (e.g. an alternative car or reading a story)
If they accept then great. If not I say I know it's hard, but it's not your turn. And continue to block their access.

It's exhausting, but it really is worth it. Just prepared to sacrifice time on other household jobs for a bit as you have to stay in position to stop her if she can't stop herself.

Thanks @Sillysoggyspaniel Do you find it does work eventually? I think I just need to be really consistent with it and accept it may take hours

Similar here sadly. 3.5yo DS and 23mo DD. I totally understand the feeling of having ruined eldest's life. I can barely sit and do anything constructive with him because the whole time DD is grabbing at everything and basically in the way. I feel very guilty that soon he will start school and she'll have 2 years of me alone on my off days (I work part-time). Whereas his time alone with me I was finding my feet being a mum, pregnant and exhausted, had a newborn.

On bad days I do have to physically separate them. We have a stair gate between the kitchen and the living space, not anymore because we need it for safety but because we need it for separating them! They can climb it but luckily I can usually manage to respond to that in such a way that they start to laugh and join in egging the other one on in cahoots against me.

@HiCandles that’s what I feel so bad about. DD has me to herself all day (save two days a week when I work) whereas ds always had to share me … yes he briefly had me as a baby but then he had me pregnant and sick and then dealing with dd. I sometimes have had days with just him and it’s so lovely!

It’s frustrating as she isn’t like this with anyone else; I took her to a little playgroup earlier and she accepted other children taking toys she was playing with (I don’t mean taking them out of her hands as such.) It’s just poor DS.

Yes absolutely!! The absolute vast majority of the time they now ask each other for turns, and once done, the child with the in demand toy passes it over. We probably have a moment that I need to intervene in once every two weeks, it's really rare now. But initially it was a lot of managing the situation. Well worth it though for everyone to understand the rules and be able to play nicely in the same room x

I’m in a very similar boat here OP. 5 year old daughter and 2.5 year old son. DS always wants what DD has and I then spend all of my time managing him to keep him away from stealing DDs toy that she’s effectively playing on her own while he gets all my attention. It’s exhausting. I do something similar to a PP. Verbally remind him that DD is playing with it and he’s not to snatch, he can play with this (show him options) or he can go and sit on the chair, but he must not take it off DD. If he persists I take him over to the chair and tell him to sit and have a think about what he wants to play with. I perch on the end of the chair to stop him getting up while loudly giving DD attention and praise for playing nicely and ignoring his whaling. I also try and give him the language to use instead of always telling him what not to do and this actually works really well tbh, for example “oh yes DS that does look fun but we must not grab, you can say “DD can I have a turn when you are finished”, you try it” get him to repeat and then “good boy, let’s find something for you to play with while you wait” it works quite well at redirecting.

It’s much harder at first than one, and much easier eventually than one. Also, try not to take sides in arguments and let them learn that if they fight over a toy, nobody will get it.

I find when I try this she’s just screaming and crying so I’d have to raise my voice to be heard!

You have to be firm and consistent. 2.5 is not too young to set very firm boundaries (and girls often are a little further ahead in development) I had a 5 year old and twins of 2.5. No way would I have been able to pander to the twins - simply can’t when there is one of you. I had to accept that there would be crying and winging all the time from someone. We had plenty of tantrums- I simply stepped over them and let them get on with it whilst I carried on. Keeping the firm rules in place. You don’t need to yell but do need to be very firm in your voice and repeat many times. If there is a way to baby gate off a room I would do that. So for example the 5 year old plays the other side of the baby gate but still in view. Or sits at a dining table to play where the 2.5 year old can’t reach.
To be honest I used to go out most of the day when mine were younger and then my older one would get out older toys when the younger ones napped.
It’s a hard stage. Sounds like you have a particularly demanding toddler too.
It will pass but feels like ages at the time.

Unfortunately there just isn’t a way of sectioning a room off. Downstairs is all open plan - lounge, dining room, orangery.

I was feeling really fed up with it yesterday. They are both mostly fine alone. Together things kick off immediately. And it doesn’t matter how firm my voice is: if she can’t hear me because she’s screaming her head off it’s no good! So I kind of DO need to shout - or say nothing!

Just came to add I went through this too and now my youngest is nearly 4, things are much better so hang in there

God I hope so. I’m feeling so down at the moment. They are both great kids alone but together it’s awful.