Inequality between children and their grandparentsents

[AvidLemur]

My daughters have had little to no relationship with their fathers parents. Anytime I asked for necessary childminding like a parent teacher meeting, doctor or dentist appointment my MIL always had another commitment like hairdresser, nails or coffee date. In total this has been 3 or 4 things in space of 3 years ,no exaggerating.
When her daughters moved back to their home town she moved Earth and water to make their lives as stressfree as possible however our kids are sidelined.

Tried arranging a get together and she's too busy to attend be it with holidays or going to every persons funeral in a 100mile radius. It's such an insult our kids aren't an equal priority.

She provides free childcare for her daughters kids but ours weren't an option so we pay a second mortgage to cover this as I know Many others do. Her daughters then can afford to bring their kids on a few holidays a year and we haven't been able to afford more than a local camping holiday.

Before others suggest it's not an entitlement to childcare I'm not suggesting it is ,I'm asking would others who don't have a support system see the inequality in this situation If they lived in same area as other relative getting the free childcare ? It feels very upsetting seeing the effort she puts into other grandchildren. I included her in everything to date invites to christmas ,kids days out ,dinner , mother and fathers days etc. Then i properly stopped trying about a year ago as I didn't want to keep haveing the same experience so completely stopped asking.

Unless we book in something 3 months ahead she won't be available but if her daughters ask she drops the lot. Would others feel similar? Very keen to hear from those with similar past experience please

What does your DH say about this
because it does sound unequal

He has tried to point it out but then she makes a loose effort of I can take them anytime , then when we ask there is something else on. I struggle to ask for help so I have only asked when essential. It's created a huge rift between me and husband as I have sp much resentment now towards his side I avoid them all

Sounds bad. Is it possible that she thinks it's less of a priority to help you if you have your own family on hand, and maybe her daughters have little support from their own in-laws? Clutching at straws here, I know.

Couple of things spring to mind.

What was your relationship like before kids and in the early months after babies were born?Did you rely on your own parents and exclude your in-laws? Did your DH invite them round or regularly take kids to visit them?

And, as you are only asking a couple of times a year, maybe MIL has already made plans whereas with her daughter it's a regular commitment and she works around it to fit in her social life.

Thanks for replies. She was included very much in older kid. When other came along she never helped even if asked by husband. She took oldest for a sleep over once when I was establishing breastfeeding and she returned child back at 7am so she could get on with her routine . Never took the child to park or anywhere. Then highlights she doesn't get to see kids enough but obviously it's us that has to be visiting and providing the entertainment / food. It's infuriating to see it different for daughters children. My own mother very elderly and lives 2 hours away .

I had a very similar situation. Sister's children were plied with goodies and time whilst mine were given tat for presents.
The result was that DM lost contact with my children. She couldn't understand why they didn't want to visit. They just wouldn't go to see her because of the inequality
DS took all the time, from DM's house in her last days and then emptied her bank balance. Didn't come to the funeral.

SIL DC will always be favoured. IMO.

If she wants it's this way then fine. Gets you off the hook for her care when she is old! No hospital appointments, dropping off meals, sorting out her bills etc. My mum has little to do with my children, despite getting literally a world of support from her own mother. I'm looking forward to the laziness and self absorption coming home to roost.

Regardless of what most will say . I think as a general rule of thumb grandparents tends to be closer to ther daughters kids than their sons...

I think this is for your DH to decide if it's a problem or not.

I would stop making any effort with her. It's your DH's job to facilitate that relationship and if neither he nor MIL is bothered, just accept it and move on.

Mine is similar but not as bad. My husband tried talking about it and the mental gymnastics to justify it were impressive. I lost all respect for her and we pulled right back. If she helps them more they can help her more when she needs it and don't come whining to us when the relationship is non existent.

My in laws are the same with time, to be fair we leave 90 mins away, our choice and my Bil and his family live round the corner, they do loads of weekly, overnight etc childcare for them and in nearly 15 years have let us down more times than we’ve asked so we just don’t ask anymore. It’s actually got to the stage that I have to encourage DH to contact his parents and he also feels as if when they need help in the future it should be his DB and his wife that give it! I’m staying out of it.
They do however, throw money at our DCs which they don’t complain about!

I went through this with mine. Sil got full time childcare, her dc got sleep overs and day trips. Our dc were forgotten. Dh bought it up but it just resulted in in-laws trying harder for a short time then reverting back to doing everything for Sil. Our dc didn’t get to have any kind of bond with their grandparents. When they did see them they were never alone to bond as Sil would drop hers round too. This was made worse for us seeing as I didn’t have parents so they were my dc only grandparents.

as adults our dc hardly want to see them. Relationships between the cousins is strained. It’s a bloody shame.

no real advice op but take a step back and just heave them to it. They will reap what they sow in the future x

This is all so transactional. You haven’t mentioned your DDs seeing her just for the sake of seeing her - just what she can provide you with.

Unfortunately you can't force people to take an interest . And it's really up to your DH to broach the subject and be the one to ask for childcare and to issue any invites .

And it does seem to be true that daughters and their kids are closer to MIL. Maybe they just felt more comfortable, maybe daughters feel OK asking , maybe they don't want to upset their DGCs mother so avoid completely . It is a shame especially since most DHs don't like to get involved.

My brother has completely exploited my parents over the years. He lives with them and his son has a bedroom there for when he stays at weekends. My 2 children have never even spent the night there. It pisses me off no end hearing about all the things they do together. They live an hour away. The latest is him saying he can’t be bothered to drive to ours on Christmas Day for dinner (to my parents, not even bothering to tell us he isn’t coming - just so fucking unbelievably rude).

His child is older than my 2 and I’ve always made a fuss of his birthday. My brother has intentionally gone out of his way to ignore my kids’ birthdays - maybe give them a present months later if he remembers, but now he seems to be taking turns, remembering one child one year and the other the next. I don’t even want him to buy a present, just wish them a happy birthday.

It now feels like he’s engineering a situation to make everyone feel bad on Christmas Day. He’s planning to stay in my parents house with his son watching tv while the GPs come to a party at ours with the kids - what’s that going to be like for my nephew? He’s only 9. Well, considering said nephew is only ever rude to me these days calling me fat and stupid (and I think I know where all that’s coming from), I shouldn’t feel too bad. But I do.

Anyway, I’ve gone on a bit. Back to the thread. I exploded the other day at my parents over the unfairness of it all. I’m so sick of hearing all the things they do together when they don’t do anything with mine. And they said - you never ask. And you know what? They were right. I don’t! So I asked and now they’re coming up to see us tomorrow 😂

My brother exploited them for childcare. I’ve only ever asked for three emergencies. I can hold my head up high though.

If you want your children to build a relationship with her, why don’t you invite her for visits/meals/days out? If you don’t want to spend time with her, that’s fair enough. Maybe your partner could? Saying that though, kids won’t miss what they haven’t had. It is the unfairness of it all that sucks, but you can only change your behaviour, not other people’s. If she’s making a point of being an asshole you really can’t compensate for her bad behaviour. Personally I’m making a point of fixing what I can, but just not bothering trying with things I know I can’t. Zero drama - their problem - they get on with it.

Thanks all for your replies. I did mention she has been included in all activities ,invited to days out with us, family meals at ours and offered many times to come along to activities , very rarely she accepted unless I was the one cooking or doing the visiting. So no it hasn't been transactional at all on my end