In despair at 12yo son's lack of interest in anything

[RafaFan]

Son, 12, has just told me that he finds a sport which he has been doing for 3 years "boring" and suggesting he doesn't want to do it anymore. We have let him give up activities in the past, that he was clearly not suited for, because I was made to do things that I didn't enjoy as a kid, and I hated it, so didn't want the same for him.

The difference here is that this club has excellent volunteer coaches and DS is visibly making progress and getting better at the sport. It's also a really nice group of kids around his age that he's friendly with. He struggles a bit at school with friendships because he doesn't play ice hockey (and never wanted to) which is the huge sport here in Canada, and the kids can be very cliquey about it. We were therefore glad that he was doing this other sport (a sport where they compete individually, but getting lots of support from others in the club) and making friends there.

He won't give a reason why he wants to give it up, other than it's "boring." It seems he would rather stay home and watch YouTube or play video games instead of doing this and seeing friends. We've had the conversations about how this is not healthy, how he should persevere through a low spot etc.

Not sure what I'm asking here really, except maybe if anyone else can relate?

Could it be an issue with his friendship group? Can you explore this further? At this time of year, if you want him to carry on, I'd say "oh well I've paid for the next term so just carry on into Easter". Maybe it's just a phase, and will pass. If he is still disinterested then; maybe he will have to find another activity.

He will still have gained skills and experience whether he continues or stops.

I would ask him what he'd like to do instead, and make it very clear that he's not going to stay at home just on YouTube or his phone. I'd tell him if he doesn't like that sport for some reason then he can change - but he can't stop all clubs and just be in his room.

I'd do this.

If he's done it for three years maybe he is just bored. It is boring doing the same thing every week for years. That's fair.

But he has to come up with another activity he wants to do instead. Not just sitting in his room staring at a screen.

Hmmm, I’ve had similar with my DD who went from several clubs and activities aged 11 to zero aged 14. She’s now 19 and doing well at uni with a small but active friendship group and back going out to groups/ clubs she enjoys, so the 3/4 years she had doing very little doesn’t seem to have had a long term negative impact. I do agree that ideally it is best when teens have activities and external interests and would do all I could to encourage finding a replacement activity for your DS like the OPs have said. But, where a teen is really very anti all these efforts, do you actually want to force this? We found in the end that we went along with DD’s wishes and allowed her to drop all clubs. I found this quite difficult and was worried about my DD but with retrospect it has been OK. Anyway, hope your DS finds a resolution and good luck, teens are tricky. And DD didn’t just sit in her room, she taught herself piano, got into home baking, engaged well at school and continued seeing her friends.

We’ve had situations like this with our children. Any time ‘boredom’ was expressed we ignored that part and cheerily told them to choose something else then and let us know where they’d need taking to, the cost etc. as of now, none of them have ever actually left a hobby/ team sport.

My assumption had always been it’s a knee jerk reaction to a friend issue, low confidence that day, struggling with new skills etc. Which is fine to acknowledge in the short term but not something to entertain unless it develops into something more serious.

I’m also convinced it’s really easy for a kid to say they want to quit when it doesn’t require anything from them! Asking them to let the coach know or do their own research for something new seems to be a step too far for most of them

Thank you to everyone who's posted responses. I'm glad to know it's not just us! I will certainly let my son know that we have paid for the whole season (and bought an expensive custom piece of equipment!) so he's got to keep going at least until then. Also the suggestion by @peterrabbitt that he should tell his coach himself is one that I had not thought of. He really likes both coaches and I can see that if he had to do the hard work of telling them he didn't want to come anymore it would put him off doing so.

He's a nerdy kid ( he gets it from me) and we realise he will likely not go very far in the sport, but I do feel he is getting a lot of life skills from it, from the social aspect of supporting team mates and being supported by them. I don't think there are any friendship issues within the club, but it maybe could be a confidence issue, as the one boy who is exactly the same age as him appears (at the moment) to be on a trajectory to be a future Olympian!

My DD (9) is also in the club, and she just seems to have a different attitude to it - works really hard towards mastering the techniques, and wants to do all extra practices offered.