Everyone wanting to visit

[Dulcie6]

Why are people so keen to visit after you’ve just had a baby?

I remember with my first it really affected my bonding with the baby. We had 3/4 sets of visitors every day for 3 weeks.

This is my 3rd baby and I assumed no one would want to come over as people aren’t as bothered 3rd time round.

I’ve been putting people off and saying I’m tired etc as I just can’t be arsed if I’m honest. I hate people in the house because no one seems to get any social cues about when to leave. I detest anyone staying more than an hour but most people stay longer so I just don’t want them here.

If I say I’m tired, I get a message saying ‘no problem. How about tomorrow?’. I’ve said a few times I’ll let people know when I’m less tired etc, but it’s constant messages wanting to come over the next day if I say no on the day. It’s driving me mad. Tempted to just turn my Phone off.

Why are people even that bothered? I haven’t seen most of these people on a regular basis. They’ve probably come to the house like once before and that’s it.

I’m hell of a grumps aren’t I 🤣🤣

Yes you are; but your family, your rules 🤷🏼‍♀️

You don’t have to just smile and let people come round.

You are the one who has just birthed a child and is caring for a newborn, you get to set the rules.

Be open and honest and just say “We are wanting a little time as a family before we invite visitors round. When we’re ready I’ll let you know.”

I'm mainly impressed at how many friends / family you have OP!

I've only had one and was desperate to show her off to anyone who would come in, but I can see how things must feel much more tiring with two other DC to look after!

People get concerned and armchair diagnose post natal depression or domestic abuse if you don't welcome visitors after being home a week or so. Obviously on the one hand it's good people care and if there were something wrong which support could help with it'd be awful if nobody realised... on the other hand it's absolutely fine not to want visitors in the early days IMO - I had a particular problem with someone who invited themselves to stay and "help" but of course wasn't actually any help, rather the opposite...

With my third I jad a new problem with friends/ friendly acquaintances of the type you meet through your older preschool/ reception age children. To my surprise there seemed to be a universal expectation that I'd be so "laid back" about a third newborn that I wouldn't actually care about him at all and would be happy to give him to other people's small children to play with as a doll or to have him handed around at social events at a few weeks from people I knew to people I didn't know without so much as an "is it okay?".

I was brutal with visitors in my first month post partum. I would tell them in advance it's 30-45 minutes visit at the very most. And I would literally get up and say ok, sorry but we have tons to do and sleep to catch on now so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

I also made a point of offering water and saying sorry don't think we have anything else in. We did, but I didn't want to make cups of tea after my c section or breastfeed for hours while my visitors are eating my biscuits.

I basically learned my lesson after the first visitor who stayed for 2 hours and wouldn't get any hints and I never let that happen again.

Honestly, people are so daft.

@123SugarCoffeeSugarDonutsI love that you basically gave them a time slot 🤣. I’m too much of a people pleaser so wouldn’t be able to say it, but wish I was like you!!

People just don’t think! My parents keep asking to come over (normally meet my Mum once a week. See my Dad maybe once every few months). They came over and I offered them a coffee a day after the C section and they said yes straight away. I was all hunched and could barely walk etc. surely most people would say they’ll make their own? They were sat on the sofa so I had to pull up a hard chair to sit on and no one batted an eyelid 🤣.

I just don’t get it. If one of my friends said they were too tired for visitors after having a baby, I would say get in touch when they’re ready. Wouldn’t cross my mind to say ‘how about tomorrow instead’.

I hate people.

Would love to say I have loads of friends but it was mainly my partners friends and family. His Mum invited every Tom, Dick and Harry over because she was so excited about her first Grandchild. Could’ve punched her.

I was the opposite and was really grateful for people coming round to help me recover from my c sections.

I never enjoyed visiting babies and only went because I thought that’s what the parents wanted. Wish I’d known it was a pita for them too.

It never bothered me. All my 4 used to be passed around and given a bottle by others when newborn. Why would it stop you from bonding with baby. This was 20 years ago. Nowadays people don't seem to like having people near their babies even grandparents.

Sorry but that's on you. I just would not have gotten up to make coffees. You had major abdominal surgery. A newborn to care for. What exactly compels you to do these things?

There is a level of social duties, yes, but after a major surgery and a baby, you really should not be doing that stuff. Most people's parents visit to HELP, not to be served.

3 or 4 sets of visitors every day for 3 weeks is 63-84 sets of visitors. That's a huge number. Do they all really want to see the baby or can you just plan to go to a larger social gathering at some point in the future?

I think OP would benefit from being very specific about what she wants and not assume that people can mind read. Ask for someone to make you coffee. Tell them they can only stay for an hour. Get your partner to support you if people protest.