22 year old son

[Gin71]

Not sure how to help my 22 year old son. He spends most of his time when not at work in his room either on his computer or in bed. He’ll say hello when he comes in from work but doesn’t want to engage past that. He has couple of friends that seem to be getting on fine with their lives, out socialising, parties etc but he says he hates that stuff. He plays sport couple times a week but if I ask him about the people there he says he doesn’t speak to anyone. He’s not had any type of relationship yet. He gets cross or defensive if we try and talk to him about what he’s doing either at work or anything about his life. I keep thinking he’s just a late bloomer and will grow out of it but am now becoming increasingly worried that he’s never going to move on. Any advice please.

Is he happy with his life?

He works and plays sport, so I wouldn’t push it. One of mine didn’t have any kind of relationship until 24, wasn’t drinking or going out. She does now.

Have you tried talking to him when you’re out of the house together? Would he go for a coffee for instance with you?

Thank you, that’s reassuring.

Has he ever been more sociable at school?
Trying to work out if this is a new thing which could be depression or if he’s always been like it.
As a pp said, he’s working and playing sport so that’s a positive.

Is he ND and spends so long masking at work that he needs so much downtime?

What is he doing in his computer? If he's gaming, then he is probably socialising.

He’s rarely out of the house when not working, he never wants to join us in any family things, He has a week off this week with nothing planned, I’ll see if I can get him to come out with me. He’s not taken any leave yet this year, his company have just made him take it, he says he has no desire to do anything. We have asked him if he’s depressed but he denies this he just doesn’t seem to have any motivation to do anything much outside of his bedroom. Thanks for replying.

He probably wants to just chill while he's off.

He was much more sociable when he was younger and made friends wherever we went. Has been like this since about 16. He struggled a bit through his GCSE’s and there was mention about inattentive adhd but he did not want to engage with a diagnosis. He took a SSRI for a year and he seemed alot better then, going out more and socialising but then covid got in the way. He did go off to Uni for a short while, he stopped taking them there and he then dropped out. He has a good job and gets up and goes to work everyday, although he says he doesn’t want to do it forever. He just doesn’t seem to have any motivation to get on and do anything else.

Yes, he is gaming and socialising but very often now he is gaming alone. Most of his gaming friends have moved on with girlfriends, travelling etc.

He says for now he is.

There is a cohort of young men like this
is it the repercussions of interrupted social development due to Covid and the online world that emerged from that (work and education), increased screen use ?

often these chaps have quite severe social phobia that underpins their avoidances

they aren’t happy, they are stuck

totally not saying this is your son -
just something to hold in mind

Maybe he's taking life more seriously than we might have in our day and wants to get his career sorted. It could be a confidence thing too and he is afraid of making mistakes. Another consideration is if he is working harder than he should be for his ability and needs the downtime to keep on track. Hes probably socialising more than you think at sport. Even if you don't intend to socialise at these things, the social benefits are still there

The important thing is to distinguish whether this is just his normal or if he is depressed. Is he eating OK? Is he sleeping OK?

He goes to work and plays sport so these are positives.

Following. I have a nearly 16 year old who's the same. He's doing mighty at school but doesn't go anywhere or wants to see any friends outside it. I am concerned myself because when I was that age, I was always meeting up with friends. And like that mine gets defensive or makes a joke out of it if I bring it up. They're being social online is the thing, so he probably is being social. It just takes more effort to meet someone in person. Maybe you could work on setting an example. If I'm being honest, I don't meet up with friends as often as I could myself. It does take more effort at the end of the day when we're all connected online!

You could try and plan the odd family day out, or just the two of you to go for a walk somewhere (or something else he will agree to!)

If the ssri’s helped years ago, then it might be worth him trying them again.

Worth suggesting. They might give him the boost to get him out of his comfort zone. There probably is a bit of social anxiety going on, because he’s so out of the habit now.

Mine would often come for a free meal out - as long as it was quick and not prolonged.

I think at that age lots of young men do the majority of their socialising whilst gaming with others. They are at a grumpy age with family too. My ds definitely grew out of that stage though.

I agree. He has a hobby. Theres nothing you can do. He's getting annoyed with you OP so that's your cue to leave it.

The fact that you say he might have undiagnosed ADHD and he’s previously been on AD’ s does change it slightly. He might well feel better if he’s back on the AD’s, but he has to want to go back on them. I know how hard it is as I’ve had this with DH in the past.
I’d say to not push it, he’s working and going out to do sports, so you don’t want him to stop that.
I find with my son that I have to drop an idea, at the right time, into the small amount of chat we do have, and let it fester, then hope he decides to do it himself. But I never say I told you so!

Yes, this is what I’m thinking. He and we were so hopeful when he went off to uni just after it had ended. He did well to get in but then they were over subscribed for accommodation so he ended up being put in a flat a long way from campus with no way of getting to campus when the buses stopped running. He was very isolated and it all went down there from then really. His job now is good but he is working with a workforce that are generally much older than him with no people same age for him to socialise with. Any suggestions on how to help him move forward or will it just get better in time?

Well the way forward is to break the cycle of anxiety - avoidance - short term relief of anxiety and long term more impairment/ anxiety

and that is through the individual having clear behavioural goals in mind, such as I want to be able to go to a social event with my sports club,
or go on dates
whatever

then identify a hierarchy of graded exposure -
start small
and repeat til feels non threatening -
e.g. stop shopping online and buy food from a shop and say good morning to staff
then onto something else etc
until at things more scary like - joining a new running claim whatever

hope that makes sense
look up :
CBT for social phobia
graded exposure
negative automatic thoughts

definitely get him to consider the SSRI again
and good luck ! You can’t do it for him, but you can work alongside him !

He sleeps and eats well.

Ya, that's true. They probably do. I even the young guys in work talking about gaming. Good to hear yours grew out of it. With any luck mine will too 🤞😊