Unsure if to have a second child

[Cos100]

Hi! I have a DD who is 21 months. I won't lie, she is quite hard work 😂 but I love her to bits and wouldn't change her for the world! I had a horrendous pregnancy ('morning' sickness for the whole 9/10 months and I was medicated throughout) followed by a traumatic childbirth (emergency forceps, 3rd degree tear, PPH). I definitely had some PND to some extent but not officially diagnosed - it wasn't awful but for a few weeks after I really struggled. Anyway, I was convinced I was one and done especially as I have chronic illnesses that make parenting quite challenging. DP has always wanted two, but respects whatever decision I make. Well, recently I've been thinking about the idea of another and how I would love DD to have a sibling as I think she would love having a sibling. She's so loving and affectionate, she would make an amazing big sister. But I also don't want to have another baby just for her to have a sibling. I feel like maybe that's not a good enough reason? I'm looking for some perspectives to give me some food for thought. I'm thinking if I did decide to have another I'd wait until DD is at least 3 and in nursery. I'd also have to see some improvement in my health and our financial situation would have to be much better too. All things to think about. I'd want them to be fairly close in age though as they would be more likely to play together. Ahh so much to think about - any thoughts? If you were in this boat, what did you decide and why?

I would say that if you are waiting until she's three and in nursery (as it doesn't sound like you could realistically care for her with the level of sickness you had plus ongoing medical conditions) then you'll probably have a four year age gap at least by the time the baby comes and they will have different interests and won't play together very much anyway. So if you want to have another child because you want to do all the stages again and are excited about that then go for it. But be ready to try and juggle them having very different needs due to the age gap. I definitely wouldn't have a child for the sake of an existing child - they may not get on at all! Two are definitely greater than the sum of their parts, it takes a while to get easier again.

That's accurate, yes! I think they could definitely play together despite a 4 year age gap (obviously not straight away) but naturally, that comes down to the kids and their unique personalities. Part of me feels sad at the thought of not experiencing the stages ever again and I think I might be more broody as she starts nursery or school maybe. I think I might be on the fence about it for a while, but I'd like to think I have time on my side as I'm 28.

I have a 4 and a half year age gap and my 7 year old loves playing brio and Duplo with DS (3). It was difficult when he was a mobile baby (5 months!) as she was really into crafts and Lego so that had to go away for a couple of years.

It's common for 2nd pregnancies and births to be less complicated, but not guaranteed.

I'm trying to decide on a 3rd, like you my husband is more keen. I have found chatgbt useful, but I still haven't decided!

I was on the fence for so long on this issue. When my ds turned 4 we finally went ahead and there’s just under 5 years between my ds and dd. They are 14 and 9 now!

There have been times when the age gap has been brilliant and times when it’s been less brilliant but I’ve never regretted our decision to have a second and as soon as she was here I wondered why we’d spent so much time agonising over it. I’d convinced myself it was going to be awful due to bad birth and ds being a difficult baby. My expectations were sub zero which helped a lot and so everything ended up feeling much better and easier second time around.

The phrase ‘you only regret the children you don’t have’ helped me get on with it and has been very true for me.

I would think less about whether you want a baby and more about if you want a second child. We knew that we wanted two children in the house, that we wanted ours to have siblings, that we wanted our family unit to be bigger than three. Then the baby years were a bit of a necessary evil to get us there (guess which stages of parenting we prefer). For perspective, I have a nearly 5yo and a 1yo and the older one was very neutral about the baby for a long time - not antagonistic but also not that interested. However I loved the age gap for making it more manageable for me and I can see now little glimpses of interactions and play that make me hopeful they’ll do some stuff together as the younger one grows. However, I just realised you said you had some chronic illness and I’m not going to lie the last year has been absolutely brutal, like an endurance test, and it’s still not really easing up. We have no family support and both work so it is hard, but I would also consider what you can manage and at what ages. We waited because I knew I couldn’t handle the demands of a small age gap, and while that was definitely the right decision, it’s still been a lot.

I think anyone have a 2 or less years age gap is mad. Sure they play together a bit but they also argue and it's horrifically hard work on the parents. Everyone I know with such a tiny age gap is really struggling. And then when you get to teenage years, you'll have to deal with A levels and GCSE's at the same time etc.

I think it's wise to wait until she's 3 and decide then. The decision should be about whether you want a second child, not about producing a playmate.

My DH has 3 younger siblings. He is super close to the brother that is 5 years younger, not the one that is 2 years younger. It's about shared interests and personality, not just age!