Help with 6yo - struggling to make friends, new school.

[tiredt]

Hi all, looking for some experiences or advice.

My 6yo DD has just started at a new school after an international move, and she missed about half a year of schooling during the transition. The biggest issue we’re seeing is that she’s really struggling to make friends, even though she’s very sociable and desperately wants to be included. She often tries to take over games or change the rules, and when other children say no she has very big emotional reactions, which of course makes it even harder socially.

Other things to note:
Very high energy, even as a baby. Needs a lot of physical play and can be very intense with a short attention span
Gets very upset if plans don’t go her way
Chews clothes or things (possibly sensory?)
Upsettingly, hits herself when having a big emotional outburst
Doesn’t cope well with very loud noises
Quite fussy with food
Gets fixated on things so currently it’s ’I don’t remember’ even when you ask her to recall the most basic of things like ‘what did you eat for lunch?’
VERY impatient with things that requires waiting, like events or birthdays
Big emotions in general and really struggles to regulate
Did have lots of friends at previous school (before move - says she doesn’t ’remember’ anything about it now though) and we were told of some emotional sensitivities but nothing that was a cause for concern

I know the above sounds negative but she is
genuinely a lovely girl. She’s vibrant, confident and funny. So curious and bright. She’s also very affectionate and loving. We love her so much and it’s breaking my heart seeing her struggle with this and I feel at a loss of how to help her.

Her teacher has been lovely and supportive, and we have a meeting soon to talk more about what she’s seeing at school.

I’m trying to figure out what might just be the result of the big move and settling in, and what might point to things like ADHD traits, sensory processing issues or emotional regulation difficulties.

Has anyone had a child who struggled to make friends at this age alongside these kinds of behaviours? Did things improve with time, or did you pursue assessment or extra support?

Would really appreciate hearing from others who’ve been through similar.

Having difficulty making friendships when you are new to a class is very common and takes time. If she has been out of school for half a year she will also have missed out on that time in EY learning how to socialise and deal with her emotions. She will get there! Perhaps have a look at some out of school groups - rainbows or beavers would be fab with helping her learn to socialise and enable her to make friends out of school too.

@happydays312thanks, those are valid points and that’s a good suggestion. I am currently looking for clubs she can join. I guess it is still early days.

Fussy children are hard to engage with or make friends with. I think you should take her to the therapist.

@Pryceosh1987fair point, except she did have a nice group of friends before the move.

Take her to see a child psychologist. She might need done extra help adjusting.

I’d explore SEN, adhd and/or autism.
of course there will be a settling period after a move/out of education, you have seen her with friends previously but it’s not necessarily these things haven’t been prevalent just those friends had already adjusted to her and her needs.

Have you chatted to some of the other parents? Invited class mates over for a play date? Many years ago we moved house when my DD was a simile age and I really pushed myself out of my comfort zone to chat to the other mums, invite them for play dates both just with a child but also the mum and child, ask the other parents about what activities their DC did and signed my DD up for the same ones eg swimming lessons, brownies etc. I was lucky as I was a SAHM at the time so had the time to do it, but I do think it really helped.

Aah op it's so tricky isn't it when you're worrying about them. I think a few things are going on;
Settling is hard, there might be cultural differences (even at an international school/with other English kids, expats will be different to kids who live in a specific area) so she might be finding games are different and children react to her differently.
Groups form in reception so that is always tricky to break into, it does happen though.
It sounds like maybe some adhd or asd traits in there too - it's great the teacher is inviting you in to discuss, ask to see the senco too and they can observe her beforehand and put plans in place with you - ask for socialising to be on the plan.
See what you can do to support, role play at home how to manage emotions, how to join in without needing to change things up.
Invite the person she likes most over for a playdate or park date.
Enroll her in clubs and activities, maybe the school kids just aren't her vibe.
Give her time and don't pressure it, nothing is worse than going "have you made any friends????" Every day, build her confidence by discussing other things she's good at and just generally being pleased to see her.
Did school provide a buddy at the start of the move? Can they sit her next to a kindred spirit? Speak to them about what they will do, what you can do and the two should link up!
Allow it all time, it'll work out and the school should help, and moving is hard. Some of the traits might just be the move (anxiety, big emotions etc). Fingers crossed for you.
My daughter has an adhd profile (big emotions, bit wild, easily distracted) but she masks at school and actually kids tend to find her very "fun" as she shape shifts to be whoever they want and she comes across as sociable, chatty and friendly. My son is ASD and struggles more, he's recently moved schools aged 10 and is making acquaintances vs friends, he's liked, he likes others and has nice chats but chooses clubs or to read in the library at break which works well for him - you could ask your daughter what a good friendship would look like to her, it can be wildly different to your expectations, and she might be quite happy with things you assume aren't OK... my son certainly hates the idea of socialising too much and is glad there are other activities on offer during breaks.

This sounds exactly like my five year old boy. He has been referred for an ADHD assessment though and school are extremely supportive. It's just the worst thing in the world knowing they struggle to make friends. My little one struggles to play appropriately because he really gets in his friends' personal space a lot but the other kids do seem to like him. We do a lot of role play and practice of what to do in different situations with friends and I think that does help a bit.

Thank you all for your responses, I really appreciate them. I think reading my post back, it is all true but I also need to add that she only attended reception for 6 months before our move and that was the extent of her schooling up until now. So I do agree that she missed building some key social skills amongst her peers. Also I need to note she has been at her new school for only a month and I know it’s very very early days to be jumping to conclusions. She will need time to find her self within this setting.

If I’m being honest, I did massively underestimate how she would react to this huge international move. In her nature she is very adaptable, she doesn’t often look back and is always ready for the next ‘new’ thing. She’s very approachable, has a ‘sunny’ type of nature, and just really loves people. Hence why the rejection or difficulty making friends has been quite hard on her. She’s the type of kid if we go to the park will easily approach other kids and ask them to play. I believe I even mentioned to her teacher at the very beginning (jinxed it) that I think socially she will be fine. I have definitely overlooked a lot of things. Back home she had friends, was quite popular and we also had lots of similar aged cousins living close by so saw them regularly. But within this big year of change, we’ve also had a couple of health related issues within our family so it’s really been a time of massive transitions and I really need to be more sensitive that she is only 6 years old and clearly these things do have an affect.

@ireallywantadoughnut36 what you mentioned about the cultural differences also plays a part I think. Yes, it is an international school, but a lot of her classmates are native to a particular culture (or have similarities to that culture) and I can see that the games they may play, or even reverting back to their native language between themselves, could be a barrier when she is trying to join in. Something I’ll speak to her teacher about. @Cactus12 I will need to make more of an effort with regards to arranging play dates and approaching other parents, even if it’s hard for me to do so! That’s good advice, thank you. I’m also definitely looking at clubs as she does really enjoy being active and busy, hopefully this will lead to making friendships too.

I’m really grateful that her teacher is so very lovely and she’s really making us feel supported in this, so I’m looking forward to seeing what she brings up when we meet with her. She did reassure me she really thinks DD will get there. We are happy with the school so far, it does seem really inclusive and supportive.

At home we have started role playing (advised by her teacher too and pp) and also some other methods to manage her big feeling like setting timers, which she’s reacted well to. Some posters have mentioned seeing a therapist or psychologist, and we would certainly go down that route if needed, but we will revisit things after our meeting with the school plus maybe giving her at least 6 months and seeing where we are then.

I was really heartened to see that she was happy to
go to school this morning, she generally speaks about school positively and it hasn’t totally dampened her spirits.

What was she doing when not at school? Do too mean she missed a half year as 6 months or several weeks?

@ThisLittlePonyyes she was out of the schooling system for a total of 6 continuous months. When not at school during this time, we arranged for her to attend a couple weeks of summer/autumn camps (4/5 weeks in total). A big variety including swimming, science and sports camps. Each were only held
for a week at time so even though she absolutely loved all of these, she didn’t make any friends (though played alongside them) as it was temporary and the kids came from all over. Apart from that I did some ‘home schooling’ with her, lots of reading and writing, exploring our new location etc.

Just wanted to update this thread. Things haven’t really improved and she seems very disregulated and the sensory seeking is off the charts. The school have been fantastic though and are really making sure she has the right support. I had a meeting with senco who strongly advised seeing an OT which we will be doing soon. I wanted to come back and see if any one has been through similar with seeing an OT and if it helped?

We are facing similar issues. Our daughter started a new school in January and we are struggling to find friends. We've tried playdates and clubs, but her ADHD is really impacting her ability to make connections. It's heartbreaking. You are not alone in your struggle.