So sorry your dd is struggling op.
It’s hard to know based on a few paragraphs but a few things spring to mind:
** how is she doing in terms of sleep, diet and exercise? For example, lack of sleep and too much sugar can exacerbate anxiety. Is she underweight or snacking too much?
**how much access does she have to the internet? Does she have an iPad or a phone? Are they locked away at night?
** how is her social life and friendship groups? Is she being bullied?
It might be none of the things above but, having raised two DDs, it’s a good starting point to check them out!
Also, its great that you are being careful when explaining about puberty etc to go at her pace. Yes, it’s important that young girls are well informed, but as you have experienced, we adults need to be sensitive about it. It’s a scary time when their bodies change so much.
If you look five years ahead or five years back in the life of an eleven year old, all there is, is constant change that they are not in control of. It’s important to explain sexual development in an age appropriate way that they can handle. And they will let you know when they want to know more. Make it clear she can ask you for a private talk any time.
The reason I say this is that one of my DDs has ASD and she literally put her fingers in her ears and rocked when I tried to talk to her about puberty. She didn’t want to know at thirteen! Everything about it scared her! She has no intellectual disabilities so had read a lot. but emotionally she was a few years behind her peers, so watch out for that. Anxiety often goes hand in hand with autism.
For general anxiety about the world and future:
**Sometimes some therapy can help from a very sympathetic experienced psychologist whom your child likes. Hearing another adult other than a parent explain to them that their fears are pretty normal and they are pretty similar to most other eleven year olds and not odd or strange to feel the way they do, can be helpful and a huge relief. And to generally bring the level of fears down. Sometimes just a handful of sessions can make a difference,
**Also, in terms of general anxiety, it’s good to try and pin down specific fears and challenge them. I know you say that your child is having difficulty articulating what she finds frightening in particular, but it’s helpful to encourage her to write her fears down, or even draw a picture, and maybe put the notes or drawing in a “secret” box and she is in charge of whether you read them or not, or whether she shares them with you, She can even use the secret box to deliver a letter to you without having to talk to you directly, and you can put a reply in the box too, to avoid any embarrassment.
**Once specific fears have been identified, they can be challenged. At this point it can be helpful to use a diary, to note down the fear, their actual feelings (scores of nervousness out of ten) before encountering it, and then again a comparative score afterwards. Ask the question, did the fear actually materialise? Usually of course they don’t.
**As you say, developing an extra curricular interest can be great to combat worries, something that they are good at, to bring them confidence and a sense of mastery over something, and to take them away from the worry zone for a while every week.
Finally, I think preferable to you talking to her about the good things about being an adult, you have to live it op! Show don’t tell!
Pre-teens appear as if they are taking little notice of us and our daily lives but they are observing how we react to stress or worries ourselves, how we overcome problems, our resilience levels, how we manage our time, if we have friends and fun etc. You have to be a good role model. Have fun and let her see you enjoy being an adult and enjoying living life! So get out there and pursue your hobbies and see your friends.
My advice would be not to go so far down the anxiety and worry rabbit hole, that you get dragged down too. You need to model a reasonable level of positivity, not falsely cheerful of course, but they need you to be a steady rock from which they can push themselves forward.
Later on , when she is maybe fourteen, you can talk to her about careers and the kind of life she wants to construct for herself but her anxiety atm is a signal that suggests she’s not ready for that yet.
Another good technique is to share the little problems you encounter each day and how you overcame them eg, I was a bit worried about my work presentation but I spoke to my boss about it and asked more questions, I worked an extra hour on it and in the end it went well… etc, etc.
Try not to worry too much yourself op. Your dd already has a great mother who is looking out for her. Sometimes it’s just a phase they go through.
For example, my friend’s thirteen year old went through a stage when they felt anxious and that they couldn’t breathe at night. After a few months of “extra” love and general reassurance from the parents, it just went away of its own accord. Keeping them busy and tired from exercise helped so their dad took them swimming and on bike rides to help with that. Sometimes their bodies haven’t caught up with their intellectual or emotional abilities or vice versa.
Good luck op 💐. Usually they just need some form of reassurance that they are not unique or strange for having fears like this! And that it’s totally normal to feel a degree of anxiety and that most people do. But to try carry on anyway.