Extreme separation anxiety - help?!

[Aurora24]

My DS is 19 months and the separation anxiety is extreme to the point I can't even leave him with my mum at the table while I go to the till and pay for something in the cafe. I come back and he is sobbing and in a state.

I'm a stay at home mum and I also have another DS who is 5 months so I really need someone to be able to look after them while I have appointments and just to get a few minutes to myself. I literally have not gone to the dentist for 19 months because I can't leave him!

I am starting to wonder if he may be on autism spectrum. There are a few things he does such as hand flapping, doesn't point, did learn to wave but rarely does it, won't really interact with people, doesn't really play with you, will just play independently, moving cars from one place to another. I'm aware these could all be just phases in development but I wonder whether this could be the reason the separation anxiety is extreme?

If anyone has any advice on how to handle this, I am all ears!

Bumping for you OP

Sounds just like my little one with similar traits, I suspect he’s autistic. He has sensory processing issues which I think make him very anxious, he can verbalise that he’s feeling nervous about something now. I don’t really have anyone that will watch him for me, those couple that have before have refused to do it again 🤣 I just take him with me everywhere (if it was an emergency or something really unsuitable like when I had to go to A&E for bad mastitis he just had to be left with a family member for a bit and was upset), but things like the dentist I just make it a ‘fun trip out’ and make it work to have him there. He’s gradually getting less and less stuck to me as he moves through his phase.

It is nothing you’ve done - I have an older child who is quite the opposite and always has been!

It’s tough, I know 😞 Hope you’re ok!

@WhyCouldntItBeFollowTheButterflies thank you for reassuring me that it's nothing I've done.

I must admit I do feel upset about it because no one gets to see the lovely boy I see when he is at home.

Sorry to hear that you don't have anyone to leave them with, I feel like I'm in the same boat now! Even my mum isn't keen anymore as she knows how upset he will be.

It sounds like you have managed it very well though, so I'll just get myself together and I guess he will be coming everywhere with me 🤣. Don't know how I'm going to get him to sit still while I'm in a dentist chair though! I just hope he is better by the time it comes to pre-school.

Sounds normal. My 16 month old is similar, the trick for us if for me to NOT be there. If for example I'm upstairs working for a few hours and I randomly come down to get coffee, he will see me and cry and I've ruined it. He'll be distraught for a long long time. But if he doesn't see me, he's fine and happy.

One trick my dad uses is he takes him for a walk in the pram at the same time as I leave the house. So DS sees me leave the house, he's distracted by the walk, and when they come home 20 minutes later, DS happily plays away for hours. The second I enter the house he is glued to me, I can't even go to the bathroom.

My parents just cannot look after him in my presence. I have to disappear completely somehow.

Autism aside, the severity of separation anxiety can be a personality thing. My first didn’t have it so badly but with my second I couldn’t leave a room without them getting very upset.

As they get the ability to run far aware they are also hit by the separation anxiety to keep them safe. It’s evolution.

You can’t expect a child who’s with you almost all the time to be happy when you aren’t there. They have no practice for this and it goes against their instincts.

You might find they they’re fine after the initial separation with your parents if you aren’t around. But they also might not be, you might need to build up to it. Have more time with your parents at your house along side you, build the village so to speak!

I still went to the dentist though, I either had a baby on my lap or my mum came with me and had a toddler on her lap or she pushed one round in a pushchair.

Same as pp, I just went to the dentist and took him. Went about my normal life and he came along, bit harder than going alone but fine. He learnt / is learning that life has things that aren’t just sat playing and might not be as fun, no problem with that.

I haven’t done anything different but he is just more extreme separation wise than my eldest, and the times I have left him there is no distraction or comfort that helped, he would be sick, so family just said they couldn’t have him until he feels better.

He genuinely is just moving past it on his own - I leave the room often or go do help his brother with something somewhere else and leave him with a friend and he’s pretty good now.

@CotBedMug thank you for the advice. I go to my mum's every week but he still isn't comfortable with her, but I think you are right I need to build the village and see other people regularly so he becomes familiar. I'm just worried about pre-school, hopefully by then this phase will have passed.

It may be he just isn't keen on my mum and I need to try and build familiarity with someone else.

I think someone will just have to push him around in a pushchair while I go to the dentist. It's just hard to find willing people. Thank you for the advice, I will start building that village.

@WhyCouldntItBeFollowTheButterflies yes, I need to do this more as mine gets in a grump if I just go to the shops. Perhaps I've spoilt him too much, always doing fun things.

Good to hear yours is moving past that phase. Just a waiting game it seems!

My MIL recently took my DD to a farm park so I could get some extra work done. DD refused to engage and was all together quite cross to be with MIL. She however LOVES FIL and I’m sure would have played happily if he’d have gone too. So maybe some of it is just how different people get along.

With building a village, I read once that the way babies are designed to build relationships (or atleast do in hunter gatherer societies) is by building on the relationships they see their parents having with other people. So over time they slowly see that other adults are safe and friendly and eventually learn that other adults have specific skills/traits that can be more fun than their own parents! Eg. X is best at swinging me about upside down, Y will teach me a skill, J is especially good to chat about friendships. You get the picture.

I believe the child needs to be exposed to more friendly people. When someone is friendly they are infectious to be around and great. Anyone would agree with this fact.

I would try and leave him regularly with the same person. As pp said, be gone completely so he can't see or hear you. He will get used to it. It'll be hard going at first, but better for both of you in the long run.

None of ours have been like this because they were around a huge family and friends who all helped out and are so used to staying away or going visiting etc. Our twins are the youngest and at 2 they both love going grandparents for the day or afternoon or staying over or uncles and aunts as do all the older ones..it definitely helps for them to see people around them who happily work together and for them to see that yes mummy and daddy can have fun with you but also so can everybody else have fun then when your ready to come back mummy and daddy are always here for you