Living away from family

[Fireandflood]

Wonder if any other mums have been in a similar position and how they got through it / does it get easier xx

For a bit of background, 4 years ago I moved about 5 hours from home for a live-in teaching job. During that time I met my partner. We’re both in our mid-late 30s and knew we wanted kids etc so didn’t waste any time, got engaged quickly and our son is now 18 months old.

My partner moved away from his family at 18 and never looked back. They’re dysfunctional, the complete opposite to my very loving and supportive parents, and DH spent some time in care as a kid. Weirdly they only live about an hour from my family, but he rarely sees them and they make zero effort to see him/us - they’ve only met our son once when he was 6 months old.

We’re now living in the town I moved to away from my family, and I really feel like our son is missing out on time with my parents and family. Also more aware that since he’ll only have a real relationship with my side so I want him to spend as much time with them as possible. DH has said this is something that could happen in the future but as it stands now he doesn’t want to leave his job and has a really lovely circle of long time friends etc.
I feel that he can’t see my side because he doesn’t have a loving family that he misses and wants involved in our son’s life. And because I moved here I know it’s kind of my own doing. I feel bad asking him to “uproot” but I just don’t see me being happy here long term anymore. I know that’s unfair on him. Also I feel terribly guilty that my mum and dad who ADORE their grandson don’t get to see him as much as they should, and I’m scared that this is going to be a big regret for me. I feel guilty as hell.

It’s really hard aswell not to have ANY family around us. The only time we get alone as a couple is when we visit my mum and she looks after the baby for a couple of hours so we can go out to lunch or something. Which has happened 3 or 4 times in 18 months.
We had a miscarriage a couple of months ago of a very very wanted 2nd baby so I think that’s just intensified my feelings of needing to be around my support circle.

Has anyone else been in a similar position and does it get easier as your kid/s have gotten older?

When eldest was born I was 10 hours from my parents but close to uninterested in laws. We moved for work and ended up 12 hours from in laws and 4 hours from my parents. Just got on with it when the children (had 2 under 2) were little with my parents visiting for Christmas and a couple of other times in the year. Once the children were at school they spent a portion of every school holiday with my parents. This went on until they were teens and preferred to stay home where their friends were. We'd still travel for Christmas or they'd come to us plus a couple of other visits in the year. Once the children were at uni it turned into the odd phone call as they didn't spend much time at home either (worked to help fund uni). Until the children went to school and were old enough to go away we didn't have 'just us time' especially due to the nature of my husbands work. Many families raise children without family nearby but often work hard to build good friendship networks to compensate. It will get easier as your little one gets older - there is no should in how often they see their grandparents. I feel mine were closer because they didn't have the 'chore' of seeing them every week - it was more like a special treat.

I don't know if it gets easier but I'm sorry it's tough right now.
I guess in the absence of his own family his friends might mean a lot to him... if that's the case, is there any chance any of them would help you out with the odd babysitting session? I know it's not the same as what you could gain by being close to your family, but maybe better than nothing right now?

Well I'm an immigrant so my family is quite far, further than yours. As kids get older, you can send them to spend more of the summer holidays with your family for example.

In terms of babysitting, we have a nanny. We couldn't manage our jobs with just nursery and she babysits for extra cash on a weekend or evening. So you need to get a babysitter if you're missing that support.

But yes, being away from family is shit, there's no doubt about it.

In terms of never having time just the two of you, then it makes sense to get to know some people you would trust to babysit.
My dc only had one set of Grandparents and I can count on one hand the number of times they babysat, so we used babysitters rather than never going out anywhere.

In terms of living in a different part of the Country from your parents - again, that is a really, really normal thing to do. The relationship is different from living locally, but no 'less'. It means you get to stay with them and have a much closer relationship in some ways over one where you never do that. Or they come and stay with you.
Of course, when you have a baby, you do tend to feel any distance from your Mum at that point, but as pp said, at least you are in the same country and time zone and 4 hours isn't that far.

My DGPs were both that far away (in different directions) when I was a child and it was fine - we had close relationship with them and they with us. I found it quite odd to have DGP nearby when my dc were born. It's just 'different', not worse.
It would be very unreasonable of you to put pressure on your dh to move away from where you have made your home together, your careers and friends, to somewhere he has no-one.

I think this is quite normal for a lot of families. We’ve never had any family support. Our eldest is 12 and my mum/MIL have watched them at our house, maybe 6 times ever in 12 years. I even had to take my 6 year old to hospital with me to have stitches removed after surgery because Dh was overseas and I couldn’t just leave him him.

You just get on with it. Dh and I go out to lunch while they’re in school instead of dinner. We have adult holidays separately so once of us is always home with dc and the dog instead of couple holidays. It’s fine. I love Dh, but I see him every day and we travelled loads pre-kids. It’s not forever and I love travelling on my own too.

I quite like being fully present for my kids though and not relying on anyone else. My friends who have loads of family help are out every weekend, don’t get home til 7pm during the week, don’t take off for school holidays. Dc are just lumped with grandparents 5 out of 7 days (as I was as a child, I hardly saw my parents). I think it’s a privilege to be around for them. Dh and I work flexibly to make that happen. What’s important is that you have to be a team. Not one of you doing everything and the other going on holidays and nights out all the time.