Help with tricky ds10!

[Senmum10]

We have a ds10 who can be really really tricky. By which I mean he is extremely argumentative and sensitive, so much so that conversations can (and often do) turn on a dime into a row, and now matter how hard his dad and I try to be patient and kind, somehow just keep on happening! He’s always been a bit like this but it’s definitely got worse in the last year or so. It’s not just the argumentativeness/rudeness that happens in the first place but also that if you try to explain to him how you feel about the behaviour he will make it clear he doesn’t get it, doesn’t care, roll his eyes, has to have the last word etc.

I suspect he is probably borderline autistic - he was tested once and we were told he isn’t - if he is then it is very borderline but this may explain it a bit - he genuinely doesn’t seem to get it sometimes, and really struggles to change his responses. And I don’t want to erode his confidence or trust in us with these endless arguments either!

He may well not be autistic, and some of this may of course just be challenging behaviour from a ten year old! In any case we need to address it.

Would love thoughts or advice, thanks!

Our child is very black and white and fact based. Therefore talking about how people feel isn’t very useful with him.

We’ve been quite successful in changing the tone of the conversations. We are focussed on outcomes- as a fact based person, what does he want to achieve from a conversation. This helps in his mind to navigate the conversation better as if it still achieves what needs to be achieved, then it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. He’s not going to achieve what he wants through shouting.

Also role playing some ‘grey’ situations was a helpful

DS is 10 and diagnosed with adhd and oppositional defiant disorder, and sounds very similar. He has some traits of asd but not many. His behaviour is really breaking us at times, he can flip from being funny and enjoyable to angry, defiant and completely unable to see another viewpoint. It impacts home massively and now school as well.

I've been reading more about oppositional defiant disorder and how to parent differently, which may help you too? I've just downloaded Raising An Oppositional Child by Eunice Churchill but not listened to it yet.

We're also looking into finding a child psychologist to work with us, as a family, to help DS and also us.

Our 11 year old sounds very similar, so im here for helpful tips.
So far we havent really figured it out yet. I avoid any arguments with him, because when hes upset then theres no way to reason with him. So my solution atm is to send him to his room and discuss it calmly a bit later when emotions arent at the highest.
I also dont make any jokes or sarcastic comments around him.
DH struggles a lot more with it. He also doesnt think i should always pander to him like that. But i dont see a point in trying to make him see reason when its just impossible.