Feeling guilty drying up my milk

[LCE85]

After some reassurance really!

I have a 3 week old baby who we’re currently combi feeding (breast milk during the day and formula at night). My milk supply is really good and I’m expressing so much which feels like such an achievement - I wasn’t able to express much at all with my first child so it really is something I’m proud of.

However, I’m finding it hard expressing as often as I should be to keep the flow due to having a toddler (18 months old) plus looking after a very clingy newborn, it just feels like it’s becoming difficult and time consuming. Plus it means I have to express in the middle of the night as well as waking up multiple times to feed the newborn, it’s killing me (I’m almost 40, definitely gets harder being an older mum!).

I know breast milk is so good for babies for so many reasons and the fact my supply is so good I feel so guilty / shame to stop, but half of me wants to as it’s mentally draining.. has anyone else been at these crossroads? Should I feel guilty? Our first born was fed formula and she’s fine. I just feel like it’s such a shame to stop when my supply is so good so I’m so proud but it’s mentally effecting me plus the pain in my breasts when I don’t have time to express is really getting to me.

Our first born was fed formula and she’s fine.

well there we go.

I was unable to breastfeed my kids (no milk ducts - who knew?)… I felt guilty and was mum-shamed the first time I bottle-fed my eldest in public. They are all strapping healthy and in their early 20’s now. We put so much pressure on ourselves to do everything naturally and be available 100% of the time that we end up turning ourselves inside out before we eventually come to the conclusion that it’s simply not possible. Women can be very competitive or judgmental if you choose not to emulate them - whether it’s buying the wrong buggy or nappy bag or feeding the way that works for you. We are lucky to live in a society with access to clean water, decent formula and sterilizing equipment. Ultimately if you are happy and relaxed, you are going to be able to be more present for your kids.

Congratulations on your baby! You shouldn't feel any guilt about moving to formula if that's what works for you overall. But I'm not quite following why you're feeding formula and expressing at night - why not just breastfeed at night? From the way you've described it you'd get more sleep that way than your current way, unless I've misunderstood? I know this can be a sensitive topic and the written word doesn't always convey tone so just want to be clear that I'm not being snarky at all!

Who diagnosed you as having “no milk ducts”?

@Francestein

I'm confused as to why you're expressing at night? Are you exclusively pumping?

It’s not clear but it sounds like you plan to keep up the combi-feeding just quit the pumping. Sounds like a good, pragmatic plan and your lo will still benefit from the bonding experiences and antibodies on your breast milk.

You don’t need to keep expressing. I was told your body adjusts to timings. We have dtds formula at 10pm so we knew they’d had a good feed and then I’d wake and do night feed from breast (I personally found it easier to pop baby on boob rather than faff with bottles at night but that’s me.) You need to stick to the timings that work for you so formula over night at the same time will mean your body will adjust to that and still provide milk for other feeds so long as you keep timings fairly consistent

Thank you.
sorry yes that’s confusing isn’t it. It’s because formula keeps babies fuller for longer so we formula feed him at night time so we get that bit more sleep!
I don’t breastfeed, he couldn’t latch so expressing was the next best thing.

I can’t breastfeed as he just couldn’t latch so I only express currently.

Ds2 breastfed fine at first then struggled to latch after becoming ill, we cup fed him to begin with but as I also had a 3 year old this became so hard. I just expressed when I felt full and we did mixed feeds. I lasted until he was 6 weeks old because it was affecting me mentally so we switched to formula fully. That meant Dh and I could both feed him, freeing me up too to spend time with Ds1 who had had me all to himself for 3 years.

Honestly, do what is right for you, if you want to stop then stop. I also felt absolutely shit about it but knew it was the right thing for me. I openly supported other friends who quit breastfeeding because they did what was right for them and I needed to hear supportive stuff, so I in turn gave them support.

@Headyhead why ask that question of another poster? That is not necessary.

Ah, I see. Exclusively pumping is so hard, especially with a toddler running around. Do you have a wearable breastpump? That may make it more manageable.

Otherwise, it sounds like formula is a good choice for your family.

Oh I see! Exclusive pumping is really hard, I feel for you. My second DC couldn't latch/transfer effectively due to tongue tie so I triple fed for a while which nearly destroyed me. Fortunately we were able to get the tongue tie snipped and he was able to latch after that otherwise I 100% would have moved to formula - and I breastfed my first for more than two years so I'm generally pretty pro breastfeeding!

You've done amazingly so far and given your wee one a wonderful start but I get that it's hard to let go of feelings of guilt even though you have nothing to feel guilty about. So just for that reason, have you explored whether support from an IBCLC might be able to get your baby latching now he's a bit bigger? Obviously you might have already tried all that so it's just a thought.

I could have written this myself. Had a slightly older DC1 who had been exclusively formula fed (severe tongue tie and no one to help as it was during lock down) and was exclusively pumping for DC2 for the first eight weeks because he wouldn’t latch. Hardly got any sleep and found pumping so limiting. It was affecting DC1 (“sorry darling we’ve got to leave the park now so mummy can go home and pump”) and eventually I made the decision to switch to exclusive formula feeding. I felt awfully guilty for the first few days but it made things so much easier as I was more available for DC1 and I got a lot more sleep! It was definitely the right decision for our family. Both my children are very robust and healthy and I keep reminding myself that DC2 had colostrum and breast milk for the first eight weeks which gave him a brilliant start.

@Headyhead Lactation consultant, sonographer and GP. It’s not very common, but possibly most prevalent with women whose mothers smoked heavily while pregnant like mine did.

If you want him to continue getting breastmilk I would personally find a very good lactation consultant and see if they can help you get him to latch.

I would not personally pump long term. I found it soul destroying. Formula is honestly fine.

I exclusively pumped for a few weeks with my DD because her latch was so poor at birth she damaged my nipples really badly and it took ages for them to heal! It was such hard work, you're doing an amazing job.

I would really recommend a lactation consultant to see if you can get the latch sorted. It worked for me and I still remember the absolute disbelief at how easy life felt when DD started taking milk directly from the breast! If it can't be sorted or you don't want to do that, absolutely nothing wrong with formula. What you're doing now is exhausting and the best thing for both your children is a mum that is less stressed! Good luck

Another option, if your flow is good, is to keep pumping for a short time-limited period and get a small store in the freezer. Then you can keep up the bm for a little while longer after you have stopped pumping.

I hear you that you are finding the pumping a strain. It is physically exhausting and it’s so difficult to find the time. So only you can know if this is viable for you.

Get latch sorted with a lactation consultant. I paid quite a lot for one and I could not have breastfed without her. I just didn't find BF instinctive or easy but 2 sessions with her sorted me. Still BF my 18 month old.

Pumping is horrible. Either formula or breastfeed. But don't pump full time. It's the worst of both options.