Year 7 friendship worries – is this normal or is it unkindness?

[Flippeddy]

Hi all,

I’m looking for some perspective on my Year 7 daughter’s friendship group.

She’s got a group of girls she hangs around with, but recently she’s been coming home upset. A few things have happened which she says were “just jokes” according to them, but they’ve really hurt her:

• They have linked arms a couple

pf times and physically pushed her out of conversations.

• She’s been called “ugly,” “weird,” and “gross” — all said “as banter ,” but obviously not nice to hear and all isolated occasions…

These have been isolated incidents but all within the same group. The girls are quite bolshy, loud, “ladette” types, so I can’t decide whether they’re just trying to be funny and not realising how much they’re hurting her, or whether this is actually intentional unkindness.

My daughter is sensitive and quite gentle, and she’s feeling really upset and affected by it all. I’m trying to work out whether this is normal Year 7 friendship turbulence or whether I should be taking it more seriously or even speaking to the school.

Has anyone been through similar? Is this typical early secondary friendship stuff or does it sound like something I should intervene in? Any advice very welcome.

No, that sounds horrible. Do they do it to other members of the friendship group or just your DD?

Sounds like your DD needs to find a new friendship group more to her taste. Are there any clubs she can join at school?

I would tell her to stop hanging round with bullies and find a better friendship group. Asking the school to tell these girls to be nice is not the way to go. Your DD needs to learn to look after herself in relationships. Not easy though.

I hate “banter”. It’s almost always just unkindness. Even if it isn’t, it doesn’t sound like it’s an interaction that is good for your child.

My DC had a similar experience. I encouraged them to gently separate themselves and build other friendships. It was a tough few months finding new friends, but it was worth it. I think they can feel stuck in a group. Keep telling them that these friend groups are unlikely to stand the test of the next few months and to work on building connections if not deep friendships with others. That they will find their place, but this group does not sound like the right group for them.

That doesn't sound great but whether it's bullying or not depends on whether she's the sole target or whether it's "every direction banter".

However, either way, it sounds like these girls are not her tribe so probably better to look for new friends.

The OP’s child is she/her.

Get a grip.