3 year old regression

[SnugSheep]

Hi! Our DS is almost 1 and our DD is 3.5 years. She’s struggling atm with a bit of jealousy. Loves DS but also competes with him for our attention seemingly regardless of how much of it she already has! Lately though she’s resorted to acting like a baby. Wanting milk, wanting to go in his pram.

I know this can happen, but am wondering how others have handled it?

I’m also not entirely convinced it IS all sibling jealousy at the bottom of it. It’s almost like that’s just where she’s expressing all her big emotions. Her grandmother has been visiting this past weekend and any time her grandparents visit she acts out. She loves them but it’s like she can’t handle their presence. She was so unbelievably dysregulated when her grandfather came a few weeks ago that I actually didn’t really want granny to come hot on his heels. They didn’t come together because of commitments (they could easily avoid taking on 🙄) at home.

We’re going to theirs for a few days at Christmas and I’m dreading the behaviour it might provoke! I’m not sure what to do about her reaction to having them around. Any ideas?!

3.5 is a really tough age IME (I have three children and I have found them all difficult at this age) and while sibling jealousy can obviously be a factor I don't think it's the sole cause, as my eldest also was challenging at 3.5 even though he didn't have a sibling until he was 10. I wouldn't describe it as a regression but they definitely seem to have an emotional "hump" where it's like their emotions develop a bit before their ability to regulate said emotions does, and a lot of children seem to play with the idea of "wanting to be a baby" - I think it's just a normal thing really because they are moving from that very little, toddler phase into more preschool/middle childhood sort of phase. Obviously they are still little, but they are not quite so little. I think any such transition age can be a bit rough. It happens again at about 7ish and then of course puberty.

There is actually a picture of me, aged roughly 3.5, squeezed into my baby sister's 1980s baby bouncer, if you remember they used to be much bigger and less moulded than they are today. My mum said that's basically how they dealt with my wanting to be a baby - they would do lots of exaggerated playing, bounce me on a knee, pretend to wind me and feed me etc. I seem to have grown up OK

Do you get a sense of what specifically seems to unsettle her about the grandparents visiting? Is it just that it's out of routine, or do they do a lot of fussing over the younger one or they are a bit stricter than you, or more indulgent and so she's less clear about where the boundaries lie? More overstimulated?

If you don't have it already, I really love the book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk - the original one was excellent for me around this age.

Thanks @BertieBotts! It’s so helpful to remember that it’s a difficult age. We’ve been indulging the baby stuff while trying to remind her it’s fun to be bigger because she can do more. It’s hard when some of the baby behaviour is really annoying!

Part of the problem with the grandparents is that we have to split our attention even more ways when they’re around. They’re also not the best at paying her consistent attention, mentally wandering off, picking up phones etc. They adore her but they’re also both neurodivergent and it definitely has an impact on their ability to maintain a focus on her, particularly when we’re around. Granny was supervising bathtime this trip and her phone rang at just the wrong moment. She darted off to respond to it and DD tried to get out of the bath by herself. Cue fall and a hurt wrist. Could’ve been much worse and we didn’t make a fuss because it wasn’t, but it’s that kind of thing. I reckon DD picks up on it tbh, which is why their attention is never a substitute for ours for very long.

We have something similar with the grandparents @SnugSheep. They're lovely but inconsistent. I do think little ones pick up on it, so could you have a word with them about it? Obviously if there's neurodivergence in the mix it might be something they can't really change, but maybe they're not aware? I would say something if the kids' are potentially at risk of injury under their supervision. Or I just wouldn't have them supervise, sad (and annoying!) as that might be.

Our issue is that the grandparents just aren't that great with young kids. They love them but ultimately they're not good at playing on their level, and so the kids just don't hold their interest for long enough. Phones are a scourge for us as well, so addictive they've sucked in the elderly too!