What’s your approach to raising good kids?

[LightUpLavender]

Just curious to get other people’s thoughts on how you raise a good person? What values, rules etc. do you think are needed? What is your approach?

I see a lot of threads on here about the issues people have with their kids (obviously it’s a parenting forum) so just curious as to what people think makes good parenting and how you end up with good adults? Or if it’s even that linear in the first place?

A massive dose of luck, as you don't raise children in a vacuum so there's outside influences. Hence why a parent can raise a a Saint and a serial killer!

Clear boundaries.
Clear expectations.
Consequences to actions, never say you'll give a Consequence then don't.
Apologise if I'm wrong.
Model positive behaviour eg manners, work ethics, respect.
Forgiveness and lots of love.
Encourage independence.
A big dose of luck.

This pretty much.

I do often wonder about nature vs nuture. Surely with all the shitty people out there, some of them had 'good' parents.

I totally agree with what @stackhead has listed. Mine are now grown up and, looking back, I didn't really have much trouble from either of them. My son got drunk a few times before he was 18 - he was very tall so always got served and nobody around here bothered with ID but once it was legal at 18, he's barely drunk anything. They both did degrees and have ended up doing nothing connected with those but it was there choice.

I pretty much brought them up alone as their father was too busy working. He always took work on holidays and my daughter once asked him if he'd rather be at work than on holiday and he said yes so that told me a lot. (Now XH)

I grew up with a narcissistic controlling mother who ruled every aspect of my life, even when I got married and left home. I used her parenting model to do the exact opposite with mine.

I’d add fairness to the list above, and trying to ensure that if there are siblings you treat them equally but NOT the same (as individuals instead).

I try to be fair, which includes not projecting too much onto them that’s my own BS (fear, anxiety, trauma).

Play and fun too. They need to be able to have fun with you, hopefully at each stage of their childhood, which I guess means giving them the space to develop their identities, then paying attention to who they really are and responding to that. All people want to feel known/understood and seen by those closest to them, even (especially) grumpy teens!

There are some lovely answers here.

Boundaries, consequences, humour, love, apologising if wrong - agree with them all. Loved your response @SnugSheep about play and fun at every stage, and discovering who they are.

At this time of year as well I also wonder about how much we give kids. Saw a thread on here about a teenager who was very entitled and focused on material possessions today. Mine are little and either don’t get the concept of presents yet or are only just getting it, but it did make me think about how you get to that point with a child.

I think a lot of these comments are valid. But I really do think there's something else that's hard to define, and almost impossible to plan for. I think that most parents do their best, and prioritse their children's wellbeing. That doesn't mean they always get it right, but they are on the right path.

And there are other parents who dont' seem able or willing to do this. From the ones who impose certain rules just "because" or who will only do x or y becuase they think it's best (for themselves or in a generic "for the children" way) on one end of the spectrum to ones who don't impose any rules because they can't look past the initial crying or upset to what is really best for that child's well being.

The vast bulk of the children I meet are nice, well brought up children and yet the parents are all very different. So it's obvious that it's noot about doing the exact same thing to reach success in the same way.

The few children I meet who are really unpleasant to be around, have bad manners or who seem to be notably "damaged" in some way, always seem to have parents who fall on one extreme or the other and it's almost always that those parents still have good intentions but they don't seem to be abel to look at what's needed in a clear eyed way. Luckily it really is the small minority.

ETA - I think it's often also that the parents who aren't that good and where the negatives are noticed the most is often where there is additional challenges in raising that child. If you were doing one of those Eisenhower matrix things, you'd have "how easy is the child" on the y axis and "parenting ability" on the x axis and it's the small number of people who have a child who is low on the y axis (ie hard) and also who have low parenting ability (ie x axis) in the bottom left corner who land up with children who dont's eem to turn out so well.

Such an interesting question!
I have no idea what makes a good parent and I am just trying my best, as most do. My child is still quite young (primary school age). I know what I am not compromising on: the love I give my child, the cuddle and affection, my presence, encouragement and support, my help navigating life (which includes boundaries, limits, rules, social behaviour) on top of material things like ensuring he's got everything he needs in terms of food/a roof on his head etc.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about parental choices and the consequences of them, but I am now more inclined to lead by example than anything. I can teach my child manners, but if I am not the one saying please and thank you or the one who is kind to others, I think it's harder for him to understand how, why and when to do those things.

I am also aware that it takes a lot more to become a good adult and that there are elements I can't control in that (but hopefully I can influence!).

Things I think my parents did for us that I try to do:
Showed an interest in us, valued our contributions, made us feel they enjoyed our company and liked spending time with us.
Let us stand on our own two feet, didn't do everything for us (mainly as teens e.g didnt interfere in our part time jobs).
Held clear boundaries about what behaviour would and wouldn't be tolerated.
My kids are small but these are things I hope to emulate from my childhood.
I find the hardest thing is doing the hard thing even when there would be an easier/lazier option. E.g. I have friends who let their kids eat in front of the tv for an easy life whereas I persevere at the table when obviously it would be less effort and heartache for me if I gave in. But I believe I'm trying to create better long term habits, like my parents did for me.

Lots of luck. And IMHO treating a family like a community. We all contribute to the smooth running of that community and look out for each other as much as we possibly can.

Its a difficult question really, when they are toddlers you aren’t thinking about what they will be like as an adult so you focus on raising a good child, so sharing, empathy, manners, etc then they become a child and your focus is raising a good teen who doesn’t go off the rails at the whiff of puberty lol so independence, good morals, how important education is, knowing they can come to you for advice about anything etc and then the teenage stage well i know both my teens (15 DD and 13 DS) are thoughtful, caring and helpful towards others, care about their education, have their own interests/hobbies etc so i can’t have gone far wrong, i just hope this continues into adulthood xx

Parent the child you have, not the one you imagined. And support them in their interests.

Model the behaviour you want them to exhibit.

We are as calm and fair with them as we can be. Always tolerant and quick to discuss poor behaviour. I think being around (I am a SAHM) is really important as my parents weren’t around at all after school or anything like that. Moderate how they speak to each other and mirror respect and tolerance. Treat them like adults in their teens rather than treating them like children.

This. Also, pick your battles

I think some of it is nature vs nurture, I do think some of it is genetic. I'm not a horse person at all but i think its like when they will only use certain calm well natured stallion to breed with so he has calm babies

My auntie has 5 sons and raised them all exactly the same. The eldest has a different father to the rest but was always treated exactly the same. Father left before his mum gave birth.

His father is in and out of prison, abusive to women ect. Out of all of the 5 boys the eldest is the only one who was constantly in trouble with the police when he was younger and has also been in prison

I really worry about the whole nature vs nurture thing tbh as my dc's father is also abusive ( court ordered no contact for 8 years and I left when my baby was months old )

Have high but reasonable expectations. Make sure it’s possible for them to exceed them.