My 4yo hates my lovely MiL

[YourAquaLion]

How do I improve the relationship between my almost 5yo son and my lovely MiL?

She comes round every Thursday to spend time with him and brings a new toy and treat (used to be chocolate but changed to strawberries etc as he went bonkers obvs!) and I cook dinner while she plays with him.

He used to play with her, analogue games she would bring round like things with zips on a matching cards etc. It was sweet watching them together, and very handy as DH doesn’t get home until 7pm on a Thursday.

Now DS just doesn’t want to know her and keeps pestering me while I cook and asking for TV or a game on Daddy’s phone.

We thought it was the time of day and tired after school so this week we saw her on Sat instead. She bought him a sticker book which he snatched, threw on the floor and then stamped on!!! The little sh*t! I was shocked and told him off, and made him apologise to her, and docked his weekend sweets (6 teddy bear gummies).

She has started making comments like “He doesn’t want to know me after he’s got his fruit” and “He’s just ignoring me.” And I feel really guilty about this.

DH says “oh she just says that, that’s how she is” and “well Thursday eve isn’t the best time to see DS.”

I’ve tried talking to DS about it too but I can’t get a reason or anything really out of him.

I’m thinking now I need to be organised with an oven dinner and literally guide them both in playing together until this is sorted out.

But it’s frustrating that my DH doesn’t seem to care about this like I do. His mum is lovely and has done nothing to deserve this!

The only thing we can think of is when he was younger we both used to go out to a shared activity on a Thurs eve so he might subconsciously associate her with our disappearing and now dislike still for what she used to represent.

Or is he just too tired after school on a Thursday? He doesn’t after school club every night but Monday when I pick him up. MiL is busy on a Monday so she can’t hang out with us then.

Has anyone got any ideas as to what else I can do to help improve their relationship? Thanks! 🙏

Does he usually just watch telly after school? I suspect he's tired and wants to slob out, and if that's his usual routine then that's what he wants to do. If so I'd change it so that the standard is he comes home and plays or you read books together, as reading together is an easy one for your MIL to step into with him.

Yes since he started school he seems to have developed an addiction to the telly that I’m really not happy about. He literally runs through the door and asks for it straight away, and watches it for 30-60mins while one of us (usually me) cooks dinner. So it is quite handy as a babysitting tool, but also alarming how attached to it he is. We then have dinner and do bedtime, no further telly. She used to sit and watch it with him and talk about it with him. But I’d prefer it if he played with her. So you think we need to stop watching tv every day for this to happen then?

I'd say so. That's not a healthy habit anyway, but when it negatively impacts his behaviour and interactions with family then that's a big red flag for me. Does dinner have to take so long? You're not getting much time with him either at the moment.

Dinner probably takes half an hour, deciding what to eat, chopping veg, steaming it, that sort of thing. I cud get him to help me, but that takes much longer. I work full time until 5:30pm which is exactly when he comes home. If it was up to me he wouldn’t have TV at all. But DH thinks it relaxes him. One of us is with him while the other cooks. DH has dietary needs so convenience foods are not an option. I do batch cook sometimes though but that still needs fresh veg adding. What do you make that’s quicker?

Decide dinner earlier, don’t turn on tv, tell DH to step up, let MIL take DS outside or let her choose activity, give more gummy bears at weekend and remember this is just a phase. Are there other days she can see him - I imagine I’d get bored if same old routine after a while - your DS (and MIL) are probably just stuck in a rut.

A tray bake - salmon in foil or sausages and then carrots, parsnips and new potatoes around them. Don't even have to chop the potatoes if they are littlies. Prepped in under five mins and read in 40 mins with zero effort needed in-between. What are you batch cooking that you then add to? I do things like chilli con carne or curry so it's literally putting rice in a pan and forgetting about it for ten mins.
The TV does chill him out, we all like vegging in front of the telly, but he's preferring that to interacting with people so I'd be cutting it down.

You are forcing the relationship. It shouldn't be that hard to want to enjoy the company. Don't put pressure on it.

We have grandchildren after school sometimes. In this cold weather. They come in hungry so have a snack and a drink. The boys are pretty burnt out. So TV or a game on my tablet is all they want. They then have tea and liven up a lot. They're the same at home so I'm not offended.

Strangely the girls still have some energy .

I wonder if there are a few problems here.

The relationship is being conducted at times when he’s exhausted and I assume we are talking a reception age new starter here, so he’s had a lot of change and stepping up to do. We let our kids watch some telly when they come home tired from school.

It seems to have become a bit transactional. I would suggest she stop bringing things every time.

It could well be that he thinks she took his parents away when she had him weekly.

I would shift meet ups to a different time, show him how much you respect and value her by doing something with her and him together, so he can see you are a team and it isn’t a relationship where he thinks he loses his parents. I would try to do activities he enjoys where they can develop a real bond like a board game he likes etc.

We have a family child who is hard to bond with, but ultimately we realised blaming the child is not the answer. All behaviour is communication and he is very young here.

If he's in Reception, then he will be exhausted after school so weekdays aren't a good time for her to visit.

I agree with the pp who said that the visits seem transactional. There's no need for her to bring a sweet treat every time let alone a new toy, especially as she is coming round every week. When dsis and I were little, we looked forward to one particular aunty visiting. When my mum heard us saying, "I wonder what Auntie J is going to bring us," she realised that we had started to associate the visits with presents and stopped my aunty bringing us anything so that we would get back to looking forward to spending time with her rather than looking forward to getting something from her.

I'd try to reorganise what happens during the time when MIL is around so that you aren't preparing meals etc. If you're chatting with MIL while ds is in the room, there's less pressure on him to give her all his attention. Maybe suggest a game for you all to play together or go to the park and sit on a bench with MIL so ds can go off and play but come back to you both from time to time. Try to get the relationship between them both back on track in a low key, non pressurised way where he's not in the limelight.

Amazing, thank you all so much for the excellent suggestions, DH has said he will explain to MiL that Thursday evenings are not working and we might switch to weekends so we can all be present while she visits. And yes he will also ask her to stop buying him things or bringing him a treat to eat. I think she enjoys doing this but it’s not worth it for the behaviour or association it creates.

liked the tray bake ideas also! Thanks so much! I never do tray bakes, I really need to start chucking things in a tray and into the oven. Easy peasy.

Do people think I shud speak to my son about how MiL has feelings too and would like it if he played with her? How would you broach it? I feel like somehow we have given him permission to behave badly towards her so I blame myself and DH for his behaviour.

we absolutely had to knock the constant treats on the head cos they'd see Mil and immediately ask what she'd got them. So now if she does it's a lollipop or something small.

mil visits in the week but with three kids and me in and out it isn't as intense as it may feel for your son ? like a bit "this is your set hour to play with Grandma".

how is he with other adults? does he see you and Dad interacting positively with him? does he ever ask to see her?

if you're swapping to a weekend could you do something even if it's just a garden centre with soft play kinda thing so they're together but it isn't such obvious forced time to bond?

Re speaking to your son, at this point no I wouldn't. Think you need to be careful of trying to guilt him into a relationship with her. I think with a few tweaks it will redevelopment naturally and you won't have to worry. Obviously he still needs to have basic manners like saying hi and bye (doesn't have to give hugs, but does need to acknowledge) etc, but if he just wants to sit and have a cuddle with you or his dad while MIL is over then that's fine, he doesn't have to be totally engaged with her as long as he's not rude.

Perhaps what she’s doing with him is too much like school in his mind. When 4, our DGS liked to repeatedly run and jump over cushions/piles of cushions (mini hurdles) on the floor or arrange the cushions with “infested water” between them as we made up an adventure. He also liked playing hide and seek, throwing and catching a ball, playing table tennis. Physical activity after school won with him. Would your MiL be keen? Thursday night was our night too so I wouldn’t change that but the activity.

If he's just started school by this time in the year he will be pretty tired and needing the Xmas break.

If he's not coming home until 5.30pm and MIL is coming after that - that's just too late IMO. Both mine were shattered by the end of the week at that age.

Why don't you give it a break for a week or two then suggest a nice Christmassy outing MIL can join on a weekend od during the holidays? Then you could reset in January.

Does he need to go to after school club every day - could she collect him from school and bring him home or to her house instead? My mum / MIL used to collect DC from school a couple of times a week so they'd be at their house from around 3.30pm and they'd give them snacks and dinner etc before I collected them at around 6.30pm

Lots of good ideas here. I would speak to him about MIL feelings in an age appropriate way - he is old enough to start being taught empathy (my first DS was naturally very empathetic and caring about other people’s feelings; DS2 absolutely was not and we had to spend lots of time teaching him to see how his words or actions would make other people feel - he got it by about age 7). After all, he needs to start learning that re kids his own age. MIL might not do anything if you throw her sticker book on the floor, but do that to a friend your own age and it will have big implications. Eg “how do you think Grandma feels when you yell at her?” “How would you feel if you gave someone a nice present and they did that to it?” Not in a lecturing way, in a calm conversation getting him to really think about way.

Also re TV, it is a bit of a drug. Would MIL be willing to watch some TV with him, or have movie night with him, and then they can chat about the shows / movies they both like? Bluey is a nice watch for adults as well as kids, and most Pixar movies have plenty of jokes for adults. My DC always like it when the adults around them will engage with the things they like (I have watched a LOT of Horrible Histories in my time!)

Loads of great ideas, thanks so much guys, always better to employ the hive brain on these things. Thanks for being my village 👍 will give these things a try.

We picked up from school which helped as Mydadsbirthday suggests.

I can’t get her to do a pick up unfortunately as she nearly 80 and her health is very unreliable, it’d be a nightmare her cancelling at the last minute and she’s really not good on comms with mobile phone etc. I do the pick up on a Monday but she already has commitments that day. I think the weekend has better chances of success, and playing all together as a family, like a game at the table etc.

Sorry nrtft but could you get them involved in dinner? Peeling spuds or whatever. Everyone in the kitchen together with a job.

You're really overthinking this

Just see mil at weekend, the week is too intense

This.
If I was tired after a day at school (remember he is only 4!), the last thing I would want is MIL coming to play.
He is entitled not to want to play, he isn't a performing seal. He is not entitled to be rude but he is clearly telling you he needs some down time.
I don't see the issue with turning the TV on for half an hour and letting him relax.
Can he see your MIL at the weekend?