I co-parent my 9-year-old son with my ex (same-sex relationship). We’ve been separated for four years, and I’m at breaking point with how she treats me. Despite my efforts to get along, she often turns on me without reason.
I’m the main carer. She sees our son on a four-week rota where she has him either 5 days or 4.5 days. Every two weeks she goes 11–12 days without seeing him other than a newly-agreed evening which I had to beg her for 3.5 years for so she wasn’t going so long without seeing our son). Even then, she only has him 1–3 hours after school and her mum does mornings because she leaves for work before he wakes. So it’s pretty pointless. I keep suggesting she has him on the Friday or Saturday to actually spend quality time with him just once during that 11-12 day stint but she’s not interested and just tells me I’m always wanting more.
There are many issues, but the main one is that despite my effort, she often turns on me and refuses to be present for our son while downplaying my role as his full-time parent. I’m physically disabled, so full-time parenting is hard, but she treats me like the villain and avoids responsibility whenever possible.
Recently I asked for help with his bedtime, which can take 1–4 hours with my son kicking off, violence, won’t go to bed, laughing at me, mocking me, calling me names. I try to record him but he hits my phone out of my hand repeatedly so I can’t. I asked for her support and she helped by phone a few times, then stopped, saying, “I don’t have these problems, so it’s your issue. I’m not stepping in anymore - your rota, your problem!” Since then she ignores all bedtime calls and never checks up. This is just one example of how little she’s involved outside her limited days.
I’m also dealing with serious behavioural issues from him—hostility, defiance, violence, rudeness, and bullying—often worse after he returns from her home. I’ve suspected she may be saying things to him. Recently he came home snappy and rude, then said, “Mom was right with what she said about you.” When I gently questioned him, he became upset, saying she told him not to tell me or he’d be in “serious trouble.” After reassuring him, he told me she had said:
• “She’s very needy.”
• “She always wants more.”
• “Try not to argue with her, I know she’s hard to live with—trust me, I lived with her.”
• That I “always want more money” even though she “pays what the Government tells her to.” (She pays reduced maintenance because of high pension contributions, which I find unfair, because I can’t save for a nice retirement and it certainly shouldn’t be the case that she takes money from her son’s maintenance to make her retirement more comfortable! Nonetheless this shouldn’t be shared with a 9-year-old.)
Our son has recently expressed suicidal feelings, and I’m getting him help. During a severe meltdown one evening, I urgently called and text her. She took 20 minutes to call back. I explained briefly and asked her to speak to him with me. She didn’t ask what happened and insisted on talking to him without me in the room. I said he needed both of us – love and support and reassurance from both of his parents – but she refused and said she’d “just speak to him tomorrow” instead when she saw him. After trying repeatedly to get her to support him together, I became overwhelmed, lost my temper, and ended the call. I texted afterwards expressing how disgusted I was that she wouldn’t support him with me and how she was singling me out. I also told her he had said he feels sad and angry that his parents can’t get along. I’ve tried very hard to be amicable, even friendly; it only lasts until a conversation she doesn’t like comes up, then she turns on me again.
She didn’t reply to the message or check on him that night or the next day—no call or text—until she saw him the following evening. How she went to bed knowing her son had been rolling around the floor in tears saying he wants to kill himself is beyond me. When she saw him is when she made those negative comments about me to him. I don’t understand why, when he needed support, she chose to talk badly about me, especially after I’d told her he was upset we don’t get along. This only worsened his sadness and, given his suicidal thoughts, could have made things even more dangerous. I’m extremely angry.
I don’t know what the best next step is. She doesn’t know I’m aware of what she said. I recorded the conversation with him so I have proof. I don’t know whether to take a formal approach referencing legal issues like emotional abuse and parental alienation, or whether to handle it another way.
Thank you for reading—I’m sorry it’s long, but I’m scared of missing key information or misrepresenting anyone.