Is anyone else… fed up?

[Sunshinerainbowsandunicorns]

I’m a first time mum to a 6 month old who is a dream. She sleeps through. She eats well. She’s always happy. She honestly couldn’t be better.. which is why I decided to have another. I’m currently 3.5 months pregnant and due 2 weeks after my little girls 1st birthday.

someone please tell me it gets easier. I make things harder for myself than they need to be. I’m so worried about messing up that I’m constantly over thinking everything. I worry about almost everything. And I know she is the proof that I need to show me I’m doing everything absolutely fine because she’s happy and healthy but I still continuously doubt myself. I don’t know it’s post natal related (can it be 6 months later??) or pregnancy related but the internal fire of rage inside me is unbearable. This morning I screamed at my partner because he gave her breakfast instead of a bottle first. It’s really not that deep I know but I just couldn’t control it.

Im so conscious all the time about if what I’m doing is right or wrong. I’m reaching out to people for help like family or friends and all I get is AI answers off them. My mum who has 2 kids GOOGLED something I asked her the other day instead of just giving me advice from her experience. My partner just says “do what you want I’m sure it’ll be fine”. I find it so hard because I just want to have real answers and not some robotic response. My friends use an AI tool to tell them when their next babies nap is. I don’t understand it I really don’t. Maybe it’s me. But when did parenting become such a tickbox, routine, baby robot making thing? I give up even asking anymore honestly.

im not even here looking for a response or answers Im just genuinely out of places to turn to vent because im so fed up with the contradicting information all the time including from so called health professionals. Apparently food takes priority over milk when your baby turns 6 months old? Despite what I’ve been told in the past and what the nhs website says. I don’t know what to believe or not to believe. I’m over it at this point. I just hope when my next baby comes along I’m in a position mentally where I stop caring so much what other people think and trust my gut more. I know parenting is winging it a lot of the time but surely information from health professionals should be consistent at least.

I know this doesn’t even make sense and is all over the place but my mind is too erratic at the minute to focus on single thoughts

Look, it doesn't get easier. And 6-12 months is, in many ways, a lot harder than the first 6 months, as you have teething, weaning and illnesses to deal with as well as a baby who no longer sits in one place and, sorry to say, sleep actually goes down the pan before it improves again.

But you get better at it. You do get more confident as a parent.

Why you would conceive another so soon is frankly, mad, but you will get through the baby years a lot more quickly. You'll get your life back much more quickly than those planning 2-4 years between them.

And as to the ticking boxes thing, I don't really understand your point. Some babies sleep well regardless of what you do. Some don't. Some really need a strict routine. Every child is different, what works for them, won't be what you need to do. And your mum had 2 kids but that was, what, 20-30 years ago? I can't even remember what my baby's nap schedule was like a year ago, they change enormously every few months.

Oh and as to the bottle/breakfast, you're probably hormonal and stressed and DH messed with your routine, so it's understandable to be a bit annoyed.

But a second baby so soon will be an absolute bomb in your life, work on your anxiety and on your relationship before this baby comes. You need your DH on side. You need to be a team. You will be totally fine in the end, but no point pretending it won't be hard.

And all good things in life require effort, right?

The tick box thing relates to everyone saying if you do these things then X will happen. My point being exactly what you said. Every baby is different but some people are so hell bent on the smallest of things making the biggest difference supposedly. For example putting in an AI app when a baby has woke up for it to tell you a dream routine for feeds and naps like babies are robots.

Sometimes it feels like every corner you turn there’s people with opinions or supposed advice about absolute nonsense and then when it comes down to stuff you may actually want advice on everyone turns to Google instead of using experience etc. I think sometimes I’m sensitive as well to the fact I just feel like everything is under scrutiny by everyone. People talk about how mums should support mums but in my opinion they are some of the most judgey people out there and it’s not a safe space to talk to mums because there’s so much judgement that comes with it. I often feel like no matter what I do it’s not good enough and everyone thinks I’m a shit mum and doing the wrong thing. No one has an opinion of their own until things go tits up and then there’s opinions galore that they didn’t have when you asked initially. I just find it frustrating and I know it can apply to any situation but there’s nothing more personal than being a mum

The reason for having 2 close together was because why not. We’re happy and like you said get the baby years out the way at once.

Luckily my partner knows me well enough to know that this was just a mad moment for me. We spoke about it afterwards and it was all fine. He understands of course hormones etc. We’re fully aware of the chaos that awaits and are under no illusion as to how hard it may be at times. I appreciate you not making me feel more insane for my over reaction with the breakfast🤣

It's hard being a new mum. You desperately want to do the right thing, when there really isn't one right answer. The only option is to feel your way through it and respond to your baby. I wonder if the googling advisors are just nervous about getting it 'wrong' according to today's experts. So much advice is socially constructed and/or changes as research outcomes filter through. I think it's quite sensible to Google before giving advice based on what was known 30 years ago. You say it yourself, the answer is you're doing absolutely grand. Your baby is healthy, happy and loved. Nothing else needed.

Pfff the opinions and unwanted advice started in pregnancy for me.

Women are scrutinized for everything they do, the baby stuff is just another annoying layer.

I loved baby groups and other mum groups. But i have very thick skin. I have zero problems saying I had a hard night etc. My honesty actually made other mums open up and I made some great friends!

It helps that my baby just DID NOT SLEEP. I was too exhausted to care 😅

Also, everyone googles everything nowadays.

I’m sorry but what exactly is the problem? You said yourself that your 6 month old “sleeps through, eats well and is always happy”.

I have a 5.5 month old who still wakes every 1-2 hours (has done since birth), is a nightmare with sleep in any situation, wants to feed around the clock but remains low percentile, and generally spends her day grumpy as hell, and isn’t happy to remain in any one place or situation for more than 5 minutes at a time. I’m going nuts, I feel like an alien at baby groups because I can’t relate to anyone when my nearly 6mo is still acting like a bloody newborn. I’ve been dragging myself around haggard and I feel terrible for not enjoying her more and just going through the motions doing the bare minimum to survive each day.

If it’s any consolation, you sound like you’re doing a great job but maybe your hormones are a bit out of whack due to being pregnant. What advice do you need for your baby who seems to be lovely and content?

@Ghht it's tough hearing or reading about a mum complaining when she has a baby that sleeps. Your (and mine) experiences are totally different to hers.

However, she is pregnant and she is finding things hard. Babies are hard. Weaning can be stressful. Being pregnant is hard.

My toddler is a fantastic eater but he is horribly allergic to dairy, eggs, soy and a few random veggies. He was gobbling up 3 meals a day at 8 months. Still a great eater, never fussy. Another mum whose 1 year old still won't eat anything will look at me and say "what are you complaining about".

I think it's important to recognise motherhood and post partum is extremely hard for all kinds of reasons and support each other.

The whole point of this was never give me advice on how to parent my baby who sleeps. I never said that. My whole point of this was struggling with unwanted and contradictory advice, unwarranted opinions and general motherhood struggles. I said at the end of my post I’m not looking for advice, it’s just a rant. My complaints are not my baby and I think I made that very clear.

I’ve tried mum and baby classes and tbh I’ve found them judgey and quite frankly bitchy. They are cliquey and just not an environment I want to be in. I’ve tried and tried and my experience is the same. Why am I going somewhere to be judged or looked at when I get that anyway?

my experience of motherhood is very isolating. None of my friends have kids or are even close to having them. They still plan things and invite me but I can’t exactly drop everything and go. My evenings are completely different to theirs. And it’s not a dig at them but they don’t get it. We’ve all been there before we have kids but they don’t understand.

I probably am just hormonal and in my feelings at the minute but everyone has different experiences and struggles and these are mine. Yours are yours.

I was trying hard to be empathetic OP.

Your initial post really wasn't clear at all.

Not having friends with babies at the same time is pretty standard, that's not some special hardship of yours.

Calling all mums at baby groups bitchy and judgy is nasty.

If you feel isolated, get over your insecurities and make some friends. Mums are not some homogenous group of nasty bitches, this is whatever mental health issues you have talking. They are normal women who have had a baby, some will be nice, some will not.

Having a baby that sleeps through the night at this age is pretty fucking special. And maybe the fact you've had it so easy, is what is making you feel so superior to everyone else.

If you do have “unbearable rage” it could very well be Post/Prenatal illness.

I would speak to your MW/HV about how you’re feeling and possible talk to the Pandas Foundation.

You’ve done the first step which is recognising that you might have an issue with PND

This sounds like you do have some PND which you need to work through before you have a second child. With 2 under 2 you will need to just go with the flow and not overthink stuff.

What are you confused about apart from the weaning thing? At 6 months it's just milk as normal and a bit of food.

Don't stress about what other people do. It really doesn't matter. And I can't believe all mums at groups are bitchy- they are just normal women who've had children.

Look no one knows anything. Even half the stuff the nhs or health visitors says isn’t based on any real facts or evidence at all, and a bunch of them haven’t had updated training when guidelines change. Once other parents are out of that phase it’s like all useful info leaves their head to be replaced by what they need to know for the next phase. So you won’t get much use from them, I really believe babies mostly are who they are too, so you’ll have one mum swearing purées are great and another swearing by baby led weaning but neither are right or wrong their babies were just going to eat or not eat and it’s the same on every issue like sleeping, hitting milestones etc. but they’ll swear until they’re blue in the face it was their special technique, and lots of people need to sell books or whatever too so they’ll tell you their way is the only way.

it sounds like (and I did this too so no judgement) you’re looking everywhere for the ‘right’ answer so you can get it all right and be perfect, but unfortunately the right answer just simply doesn’t exist. I found that hard to accept. Maybe you have some pp anxiety. You can get some MH support if you speak to your midwife. Might be worth it before the craziness of 2 hits. Motherhood is really isolating, and I’m sorry you’re struggling to find people to connect with who understand that struggle with you.

I’m not sure you tried that hard

I think you do need to ask for some support today. You do sound like you are really struggling

Not all of the Mums at groups will be like you said. I tried a few groups with my first until I found my tribe. One of the best bits of advice I read on here is to view them as colleagues. You all have 2 things in common, one is that you’re a Mum and the other is that you go to that group.

You say that others are judgemental and criticise but you do come over as quite judgy yourself. It’s probably PND talking but it is perhaps something to bear in mind if you’re going through therapy before DC2 arrives.

As for your DM googling things, it’s quite normal to forget what each stage of child rearing is like as you move to the next stage, I wouldn’t blame her for that.

I also found that some HCPs gave out information that didn’t fit with the NHS guidelines. You can always come on here if you want to ask any questions. The weaning section for instance is full of knowledgable MNers and there is a great guide from the Caroline Walker Trust.

Your friends won’t understand where your coming from because like you say they’ve not had children yet.
think back to when you didn’t have them,you would probably of been the same.

as for advice,do you mean your asking for advice?
sorry I’m abit confused by some of your posts.

hormones play a massive part after a baby has been born let alone being pregnant again so I think maybe that’s not helping in your frustration op

Its all still very new, your confidence will grow.

I would give the baby groups another go because it can be very isolating otherwise and I promise you do get nice people.

Information online is a bit confusing because you can't just take it at face value, you have to integrate it with your own judgment of your own child and situation and this will get easier as you get more experience. I think having a second child will also put all of that info into perspective as you realise how different children are and 1 piece of advice that you swore by is suddenly completely ineffective on your 2nd child for example.

I had postpartum anxiety after both my children and honestly didn't begin to feel like myself until a year after birth. The first year is hard.