My ex partner wants 50/50

[Katie9910]

I’m in a situation I don’t really want to be in. My ex who moved out in April and then moved very quickly into a new relationship and is having a baby, lives about 35 mins away from me wants 50/50 custody of our 3 year old daughter.
he wants her two weeks out of the month. I have been primary parent of our daughter and have been even when we were together.
her preschool which I work at and her schools for next September are in a 5/10 radius of myself, I don’t see it working at all, he won’t even be doing the pick up and drop offs and his new partner is going to do it with him seeing her at bed time. I don’t mind a few nights in the week but I don’t think it’s beneficial for her to be away that long from the main family home and selfishly I can’t do that long without her. He’s a massive controlling narcissist so wants his way and if it isn’t the verbal abuse I get it crazy.

I don’t know what to do as he wants to do start this in march when his baby is born I really need help

Get some good legal advice

This is. Crazy suggestion

You need to show that you are open to a few nights
She may not cope with two full weeks per month?!!!

She is so young

Plus it is not being selfish to not want to say yes to all of this

He sounds like an idiot

I agree, get legal advice

The thing that stood out for me was he wants this to start in March when the baby is born - why?

What is the contact arrangements been so far?

Suddenly spending 2 weeks a month in a new home with her dad, his new partner and their new baby is a massive upheaval to happen all at once, especially for a 3yo and I would question if it's in her best interest

Sounds like a negotiating tactic for reducing child support.

ETA or it's a control tactic on the new partner since he envisages she will do all the practical parenting in this scenario.

Does he not want to pay maintenance? The good news is they not being realistic! Get legal advice, organisations like CORAM can offer some free initial advice.

He wants his partner to do school runs and childcare as soon as she's given birth? Honestly I would just not engage with this conversation right now. Tell him if he wants to change contact arrangements in future you'll discuss it in future. When it comes to it he may not push the idea since it sounds unworkable.

How many nights is he doing at the moment?

Id probably try and avoid discussing 50/50 if he’s difficult - it’s unlikely that a woman with a brand new newborn baby is going to want to look after someone else’s 3 year old 50 percent of the time. So if he’s not planning to do the looking after himself, I think that there is a reasonable chance that this request will disappear once baby is born.

If he’s not having her a lot at the moment I’d probably say something like “let’s trial one extra night for a few months and see how it goes” and give him one night in the week.

Then, I would make it very very clear that he needs to meet all costs on his days - so update nursery that he is paying for x days and get then to bill direct, don’t send clothes with her, if a lunch is needed he provides it etc etc. Also don’t help on his days - he needs to take time off work if she is sick etc.

Either he will massively step up and you’ll feel better about 50/50 (unlikely) or he won’t ask for more time once he realises the work expected.

Yes, I do think it has a mixture of maintenance as he has expressed in previous messages before that if he does 50-50 he does not have to pay me. Apparently the girlfriend has said that that she wants to do this bear in mind this is her first child she is having and has no idea how hard it is with one child let alone a newborn and a three-year-old too much too soon in my eyes as they are not a stable relationship even though he says they are yet they have broken up already and they’ve not even been together a year. I personally don’t think my child can do that long without me so I am getting legal advice and I have said to him let’s hold fire until we get the advice that we need. He will probably come back with some sort of aggressive message, but I’m not letting her go for two weeks out of the month. I have shown him an example of where she would see both of us weekly and he does not like that as apparently that is more disruptive. I said it would be easier if she was older, but she’s not so we have to take things slowly.

He is only doing every other weekend since he left in April. So never had her for longer than that. I’ve said to him let’s just put a pin in it, get legal advice both sides if needs be as we can’t agree. I don’t want to do 50/50 as it is especially the fact he’s not even looking after her. Even his brother is in agreement with me.

I think he is using his new girlfriend to avoid paying maintenance. He's probably manipulating her by saying ' if you have dd half the time you can stay at home and look after both kids'. This is really unfair on your dd in terms of stability. You could tell him that 50/50 starts in January and watch him massively backtrack as his gf won't be available to look after her.

Just say it will not work for your DD and offer whatever is practical eg EOW. I am always surprised when people think 50:50 is fair/OK for the child. A child needs one stable home with their main caregiver and belongings. It is not fair on them to expect them to treat two places as home, shuttling back and forth, packing, constantly switching from one parent's ways of doing things to another. Yoyo kids are not happy kids in my admittedly limited experience.

He’s a cunt. If he kicks off then I’d definitely use a parenting messaging app too.

This is a very common tactic.
I agree you need to make it clear that he pays for everything during his time and is responsible for his pick ups and drop offs, as you will be for yours. Your child will be available for collection during a 30 minute window and if nobody turns up you will continue with your day and assume no contact will take place.
Document everything, save all texts. Communicate everything in writing.
Record any late drop offs too.
I doubt that 50:50 will happen.
I doubt his new partner will stick around when she realises what he is like.

All you have to do is make her available for contact. He moved away, he should do pick ups and drop offs, this what a judge would tell him.

Wouldn't getting legal advice be simpler

She doesn't need legal advice unless he takes her to court. There's no legal ambiguity here. She has main care at the moment, any change to that arrangement has to be mutually agreed. If it cannot be mutually agreed then a court may have to decide. Right now, all a lawyer would tell her would be that, and charge her for the privilege.

Definitely get legal advice. I would have thought that should have been decided from the moment he left, to introduce it now would be too big a change for your child and too unsettling. Hopefully family court would see it that way too

A court wouldn’t mandate 2 weeks on and off with each parent. 50/50 would be something like 2/3/2 routine. He is allowed to outsource care to his gf the same way that you can use family or a childminder as childcare.

His gf is in for a massive shock about the reality of doing 30 min school runs with a newborn. Is that 30 mins in rush hour? Plus when baby is old enough for school- how will she pick up 2 kids 35 mins apart without having one in after school care (and we know which child that’ll be) I would suggest more time with dad and suggest a gradual move to 50/50 rather than an overnight change. For example they should have dd half of Feb half term.

Is he paying child maintenance now?

Get a parenting app to stop the abuse. Let him try to take you to court.

@Katie9910 stop engaging with him. "I will get back to you once i've spoken with my Solicitor" is your new mantra.

If he wants 50/50 then make him take you to court.

You hold all the cards. If he can't communicate with you in a civil way then take away his access to you and do all comms through a parenting app.

Make sure you've established primary custody. Child benefits paid to you etc.

And go speak to a family law solicitor and get advice so you know how to tackle your ex in a way that won't cause a judge to look badly on you should it ever get to court.

The truth is, once new baby arrives, old baby will be forgotten. It's a sad but realistic scenario. Those every other weekends will turn into no visits at all.

Keep strong and remember that you've already beat him once and gotten free. You don't live under his influence anymore. You decide when, how long and how much contact he can have with DD and you.