Struggling with 3yo behaviour

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Wondering if anyone can give me some tips or just reassurance that this is normal!

Since turning three a couple of months ago my little boy seems to be struggling with big feelings. He was prone to the odd tantrum before but we’re having a meltdown every day at the moment.

Our main issue is with indecisiveness. So an example: ‘do you want to go outside with daddy?’ ‘No’. ‘OK, that’s fine’. ‘I do want to go outside’. ‘OK, great he’s waiting for you’. ‘But I don’t want to go’….you get the idea. This is all while crying his eyes out and can go on for 20 minutes. Most of the time I try to reassure him and wait for him to figure it out, but some mornings I just don’t have time for the constant flip-flopping.

He’s also started refusing his bath - this evening was horrible, he was screaming and hitting his dad. He hadn’t had a bath for two days so it was a non negotiable, but we had to physically put him in there.

I try to be calm and respect his emotions. I do raise my voice slightly when he hits - I don’t shout, but I change my voice to be more clear and firm that we do not hit if that makes sense.

it’s so exhausting! I know he’s going through something (eating a lot so maybe a growth spurt?) but I don’t know how to help him (and us!) through it. Any tips or reassurance would be much appreciated.

I feel like that might be quite big decisions for some kids at that age. Not all kids can handle it. I’d try straying more into the “we’re going to the park - do you want to wear shoes or boots” level of decision making for a bit and see how he gets on?

3 year old's can be contrary! Change your wording slightly-Daddy's outside. It's just a fact, he can let you know if it's interesting! let him feel like things are his idea. 'Do you want a bath or shower' (if possible) or if not possible 'what toys shall you take in the bath'? Give transitions between activities time-'after your dinner, what toys shall we get for your bath'. Make bath time fun! Bubbles, foam soap, glowsticks with the lights off etc. Don't have battles, simply be cool as a cucumber. It will pass!

The yes no, yes NO! YEEEES phase is mind boggling and frustrating. My son is two and does that with big tears sometimes, they don't last long thankfully and we just ride it out tbh, haven't found a way to nip it in the bud early yet.

Had a phase if bath refusal too, is he getting chilly between bath and getting dry or anything? It worked for my son to choose plastic toys to wash with him and he went in, and new bubble bath he chose himself plus bath bomb😅 I'd have been chucked in as a kid in the 90s.

give less choices. Is he very tired? DS here is 3.5 and doesn’t struggle with the exact things you say about changing his mind but when he is tired (or hungry) OH MY GOD it’s hell. You could try just leaving him to it - so when he says ‘no’ then changes his mind, just open the door for him and let him have his tizzy and choose his own path, ie whether to scream on the floor or just get up and go have fun. You could also use consequences - I do this a lot, I don’t know if it’s good parenting or not tbh but it works and he understands there are consequences- eg if you do not have a bath tonight, there’ll be no story & straight to bed. I do this also if he won’t put his shoes on for example, I say ‘that’s fine, we’re leaving now when everyone is ready’ then two steps outside the front door he realizes the consequence is he has no shoes on outside & quickly gets them on!! Some days are easier than others!

I think it’s easy for us to forget sometimes that children don’t have life experience like us which has formed us into the adults we are and our ability to make decisions for ourselves and to manage our emotions meaning that they are confused and trying to get their head around the world they’ve only been in for a few years. Your child sounds ‘normal’ to me and is simply just confused and needs a little reassurance that everything is okay.

Maybe you could introduce some music or something fun for bath times, my daughter likes to listen to music or watch something in her iPad while she’s in the bath. And with the indecisiveness sometimes too much choice will confuse a child and often they need to be told instead of asked. I would often give my daughter too much choice which lead to her having a meltdown because she couldn’t decide, it might be best to simply say to him ‘oh look dads outside let’s go and see what he’s up to’ and start to head outside yourself he may follow you.

This peaked for DD at 3.5 and it was definitely a wild ride. I found that making choices I gave her much simpler worked wonders a lot of the time, giving her clear instructions eg telling her what was happening and then giving her a small decision in that, like what colour of two cups she would like or what pair of shoes she was going to wear, so that she still felt in control of the situation.
we had bath refusal too I think DD was a bit younger but I just had to explain that washing was non negotiable and that she could choose a bath or a shower but she would be getting in, it lasted a couple of weeks of just having to dunk her in quickly wash her and get her out all while screaming but it just wasn't an issue one day.

@bettydavieseyes yes contrary id the word! We do usually have songs in the bath, let him choose a toy etc, but he is really digging his heels in recently. I also asked if he is getting chilly, offered to get in with him. I think we may have to dig deep and ride this part out, but I'm going to invest in some extra bubbly bubbles just in case!

That's a great tip on changing our wording of things - I think I do forget that even if it's a 'fun' choice (do you want to go outside to the park etc) it's still a choice that might be a lot for him.

@babyproblems I do think tiredness is a big part of it. It takes so long to get him to do anything that by the time he's in the bath he should already be in his pyjamas. We discussed this morning making some arrangements to collect him half hour earlier from pre-school during the week so we have more time in the evening to try and start the routine a bit earlier.

@hl8 this is so true, I do try to empathise with him but probably don't realise how much he's going through inside bless him!

@pavementangel yesss we've had to do the screaming bath dunk a lot recently and I hate it! I may just have to dig deep and ride this out!

Thank you everyone for the advice and reassurance. Going into bath time tonight with a new approach!

Fab 👌

I think this is a really common struggle at this age, especially if you're somewhat "child-led" and/or they are your only child - their language is getting more sophisticated and we tend to assume that means we are getting a better window into their thoughts but he's still only three, that's very very little. He needs you to guide him a lot of the time, and you also should be aware that the way children use language from approximately 3-7 is very "fuzzy" - it's quite experimental, they do a lot of copying things they have heard and failing to understand/reproduce the context, so rather than take their words literally, try to think about what they are saying as though it's gone through several layers of "bad translation" and take the gist instead of the literal meaning.

So when they're doing things like the I want to go outside/I don't/I do/etc - you don't need to fix their internal narrative so that it makes sense. It could be they are simply making an observation that Daddy is outside. It could be they are telling you they like playing outside with Daddy but don't want to go out right now. It could be they want to go out but it's too cold. It could be they just don't know what they want to do! I would try offering more of a guided choice in those situations rather than leaving it open ended. So "Do you want to go outside with Daddy, or play this game inside with me?" Or as someone else said, instead of asking a question, present the made decision as a suggestion "Let's go and see what he's up to".

Also never ever present something as a choice if it's not a choice. Don't spend time trying to persuade him to get in the bath, just say "It's time to get in the bath" - this is much easier said than done I realise, I tend to struggle with this myself, I always want to persuade or explain or reason and sometimes you just have to say nope, this is what's happening. You can do it in a nice/fun/confident way but you have to have the "confident leader" role - I find Janet Lansbury really helpful for this kind of thing.

DD is 35 months and she is doing this. I've started using "i have an idea - let's do x" and it usually stops the yes/no descent!
A lot of the time with her it's tiredness or hunger, poor mite, but it does drive me loopy! Big feelings!

@Cupofteaforyou so many big feelings!

@BertieBotts thank you! Yes you’re spot on he’s our only child and we try to be ‘child led’. He has had a big development in his language recently. I have a tendency to y to tray and bargain with him, or over explain why we have to do something. I really like the ‘confident leader’, I’m going to try and keep this front and centre

So we had a great evening last night, some resistance but managed to get him in the bath without a meltdown and he was happy in bed about half hour earlier than we have been managing recently.
However, this morning was a horror show!! I did ‘it’s time to get dressed, do you want your lion socks or stripy ones?’ And he just said ‘neither’ or ‘I don’t want to’ haha. Then the whole ‘I want breakfast/I don’t/I do started.
Just wondering, does anyone have a script or anything they say when you’re in the middle of the flip-flopping/indecision in particular? I usually just try and be calm and say ‘OK that’s fine’ and move onto something else but no idea if this is helping/making things worse. Thanks again for all advice, so much here for me to try

I bet there will be a relevant Janet Lansbury blog/podcast honestly I cannot recommend her enough, she really gets me through this age. I will look.

TBH your description of it being first thing in the morning makes me think - he was probably hungry. You know when they are really tiny and they are crying without obvious reason so you sort of cycle through a checklist of things - are they hungry? Wet? Cold/hot? Itchy? Bored/lonely? - I think the 3yo version of this is when they're being whiny/flipfloppy/generally frustrating - try thinking "Aha! This is a sign I need to run through that checklist again" and if something like hunger or needing a wee stands out as a highly likely cause, then prioritise meeting that need ASAP. So I might do whatever gets him dressed quickest and then present some kind of food which is likely to be received well, rather than trying to get him to make decisions.

So I found this one, which is one of the older articles which means it has lots of other links to explore, I used to find these really good:

https://www.janetlansbury.com/2014/03/how-to-help-our-indecisive-toddlers-2/

This is a newer one which has the podcast recording as well. I would recommend listening to at least some of the podcasts, because then you get the tone that she is using and once you've sort of internalised that I find I read the posts "in her voice".

https://www.janetlansbury.com/2023/06/let-kids-choose-except-when-they-cant/

At 3 decision making , even for something we see as simple i.e. do you want to go outside can be overwhelming, particularly if he is thinking about what he is currently doing say playing with Lego or what he wants to do next - say drawing. Personally I would reframe your language so it’s less of a choice and more of a decision already made “Daddy is outside, so you can go out with him shall we put your wellies on ? “. The decision is simpler - you have told him what he is doing so all he has to think about are his wellies not the huge decision for a 3 year old of inside Lego v outside.

For the bath which is not negotiable , can you get him to choose toys to take in the bath. Before the bedtime routine tell him what is going to happen i.e. You will have your bath and we will play with your toys in there, then teeth , into your PJs and a story. This way he has time to process what will happen no discussion and no decisions he has to make other than choosing toys.

Mine has just turned 3 as well and also struggling with big emotions, including decision making. He loves a bath but I do find hes more resistant to it in the evening so I tend to bath him in the morning as he normally asks for it then. Perhaps if you have time switch the bath to the morning?
Mine currently has an issue with getting dressed, he screams and runs away and it can take ages to get him dressed for the day. Its so frustrating. Not much advice im afraid but I do think it is a normal phase!

Nursery called it something like the “power and identity” stage - they are learning that they are individuals with autonomy and the ability to say no and sometimes they test the water saying no to things that they actually enjoy. It is so hard. Personally I decided to choose to pick my battles, even if that means that she doesn’t have a bath every day and I give her a quick wipe with a facecloth. As others have pointed out the key thing is to give them the illusion of choice, let them make small simple decisions so they feel they have some control.

Don’t say “come for your bath” or “do you want a bath”, instead ask “do you want a bath or a shower” or “do you want to play with ducks or boats in the bath today”. They then have a decision they can make and you get to wash them.

In the morning my daughter was refusing to wear clothes so now instead of saying “we need to get dressed” I ask if she wants to wear a pink or a blue jumper today (keep it to two choices). Again not letting the conversation become about whether or not to get dressed but instead it is about what colour to wear. And if the child wants to wear something ridiculous, ask yourself if it is really important to fight this battle or will we let them have this one! For instance I have taken my daughter out in a Spiderman costume but I have put my foot down when she wanted to wear sandals in stormy weather in December. My daughter refused to eat peas for 3 months so I offered her other veg, she eventually started asking for peas again. If you fight too hard it could become bigger than it needs to be! So far I find most of her red lines disappear after a few weeks - she is just 4 so only a year older.