Very overstimulated by upbeat daughter

[Therootunderground]

I have a 9 year old daughter who is the most special, sweet, positive, well behaved, adorable child. Every teacher she has ever had has loved her, she has loads of friends and is unbelievably kind and thoughtful. She is bubbly, bouncy, and full of joy and ideas all the time.

I absolutely adore her, we all do, but she is incredibly intense. From morning to night she wants to talk, talk about saving the planet, helping the homeless, help the animals, save the world, help children with no friends etc etc. She likes to talk about her own emotions in some detail, extensively, quite a lot. She writes plays and books and draws pictures, invents dances and generally is always trying to combine her creativity with her passion to make the world a better place. She shares all of these with me and wants intensive feedback and I try very hard to ensure that I am being very positive and thoughtful in responses. She deserves a very kind and nurturing mother, and that's what I think I am most of the time (to all my kids).

Her behaviour is excellent, as I said, but I am finding her incessant need for attention very demanding. I create lots and lots of opportunities for quality time together (I've other children) and no matter how much of myself I give her, she wants more. MUM, mum, mum mum mum mum muuuuum muuuuuuum all day long when she isnt at school. Look at this, listen to this, look at me, look, look, read this.

I am so proud of the kind, creative, positive ray of light that she is. She is so upbeat and just bursting with thoughts and ideas but I am increasingly finding it more and more difficult. I cannot give her the feedback she wants. She wants me to be absolutely bowled over by every little thing she does and faking the enthusiasm is having an impact on me.

I believe that she is a very confident child and constantly tells me how lucky she feels to have me and her dad as parents (and we tell her we feel the same, because we are!) I never let her see that I'm struggling to muster the intense enthusiasm she requires and ive started to have a put of anxiety in my stomach when she says 'mum'. Lately i've been feeling nauseous on and off and I've noticed it gets worse when she wants to show me the latest dance/song/story/poster/poem about world peace/kindness etc. I am a very sensory person and get overwhelmed easily so I know I'm part of the problem.

I've an active toddler and a moody tween and don't find them as triggering. I feel like ive become very sensitive to noise lately and don't know what's happening but I hate it!

I adore my daughter and am confident she has no idea how I feel as I really do act the engaged, interested mother. I work with children too so maybe ive just been over saturated. I know how absolutely blessed I am to have such a happy, healthy child but this response I am feeling is involuntary and I don't know what to do. My beautiful little girl is such a special child with a huge heart. Her kindness and sweetness is so rare but lately it's just been too much. Please don't judge too harshly as I DO NOT want to feel like this.

She Sounds lovely but I would also find that very intense and draining! I don’t think you should feel bad either. It’s great as a parent that you want to listen and build her confidence by being enthusiastic but it’s equally an important life lesson to not to expect to be the centre of attention or on the receiving end of constant praise.

I totally agree with this and think it's bad for children to be the centre of the parents' universe. I am just now in a situation which seems to have got out of hand. I need to figure out a way to reverse this without her taking it personally.

Frankly she sounds very wearing. I accept that she is sweet, wonderful, caring etc. but it’s worrying that she is craving attention the whole time - that is not so wonderful. I expect I sound like a grouch but I do wonder if you’ve gone rather OTT in telling her how wonderful and special she is and how enthusiastic you are about all her ideas, and she believes it.

How about instituting a "Mum's peaceful half-hour" (or whatever) every now and then, or at least once a day. Tell all your DC about it. If she is a considerate child she'll respect that.

Maybe some boundaries: so as a routine set times of the day for a set amount of time she can show/talk about/discuss etc.
I would also consider redirecting this energy into other areas. She sounds quite anxious - her topics are quite serious.
Also I don’t think it’s real as a parent to always be amazed by our children. They are children, we are adults and most of what they do frankly isnt that amazing. I do wonder if she has found a way to get your attention through this behavior. Would you try doing things at home together instead? Eg helping with cooking meals, housework - you could hang out washing together, put the shopping away etc. That way she still gets your attention but in a more day to day way. And talk about those topics rather than the serious ones. She’s also learning great life skills that way too. I’d try to redirect her attention this way. It’s ok to talk about serious things but for a period of time.
Does she like to read? There are some really lovely books out there - but I would focus on happy tropics as she does seem prone to rumination and leaning towards sad topics.
Lastly other than talking I wonder if she does anything to really help in a practical way? There are things children can do - write letters to elderly ppl in nursing homes - it’s anonymous from the writers, or help at an animal shelter? Or make a poster for a local animal shelter? Or local litter picking?

I also meant to say: I wonder how your other DC feel about her monopolising your time and being told so often how wonderful she is.

Very possibly. I've tried so hard to be a positive mother that ive created someone who expects it. Her behaviour is very good so I suppose I didn't see any 'red flags' to stop. She isnt spoilt or cheeky for example so I didn't realise that I was creating this situation. My mother often seemed bored by me and like I was a bit of a nuisance at times so I maybe have carried that into my parenting. I have firm boundaries with my kids but haven't seen this as another area that needs to be restricted.

OP your DD sounds exactly like mine, mine is a bit less worthy in her ideas but lots of focus on friends and younger kids and how to treat them and look after them etc. I just accept this is how she is now, and go with it but she is an only. If I had other kids I might employ a timer so she gets special time but then her siblings get equal time (even if they choose not to use it). Hopefully would buy you some space and time but at worst would be fair to your other children.

I tell them how wonderful they all are too. My older child wants me when he wants me and wants more space than my daughter. The toddler wants to play and is happy and attached to me too. They all are. The other two just don't seem to want my attention in the same way.

I heard an interesting talk years ago by a child psychologist saying that no parent can listen attentively to everything that a very talkative child says, and so long as they are listening and responding carefully some of the time, it's fine to say "lovely, darling, mmm, mmm, lovely' without taking in everything she's saying, or even 'I'm busy at the moment but I'll be ready to look at your new dance after I've finished this bit of work and we've had lunch.' You clearly adore her and she must know that; you don't need to prove it every moment of the day by matching her gigantic energy.

I think she needs some downtime when you aren't available, and you need to be careful that she isn't monopolising your time. I agree with PP - cards for local nursing home residents? Bake sale on the doorstep for Dogs' Trust?

I had a “Do it WITH me !” Child
Exhausting ! But just to say (and I know it doesn’t help now ) but As an adult she is the one who has thrived at University , worked for a year away and did a year away travelling and working very hard as she went to finance it . Never without a friend and still busy busy busy in her 20s

I think i just needed some kind of green light to go ahead with some plan to curb this. I've let it get out of control and need to put some limits on the demands for attention. I like the idea of doing things together where she learns a skill. She has asked to help with Christmas dinner prep this year so will involve her in that.

It’s ok to have some time alone. In fact it’s very good for both of you. She need to find ways to exist in her own space that don’t involve constant feed back from another person.
She could try journaling. So instead of saying it out loud all the time, she writes some of it down. You could even agree to read it and comment back if she wants.

And you can beg your life her teachers will be telling her the same things. Sometimes it’s quiet time. Listening time.
Does she listen well to you when you speak? Does she listen to her friends.

I've always thought the greatest gift you can give a child is contentment with their own company and enjoying their own space. It's a valuable quality that can serve you well. We can't have an audience all the time. You sound a great Mum. Very caring. 🙂

Sometimes I tell her to write it all down but then I do have to review what she has written 😄 she keeps a diary and reads a lot so she does have some down time but wanted to update me on evwry bit she fiund funny. Had to put a stop to that!

She is like a sponge and internalises everything she hears. She listens very well and takes everything to heart. The only time she chooses not to follow my instructions is when her time doing something is up; eg time to leave a friend's house or get out of the bath or go to bed etc.

I love that you got positive responses already, nothing to add except I feel you, I’ve had (still got 1) two girls like this and it does your head in after a while 😂

I appreciate the solidarity! It's hard to put into words how draining it is and how guilty I feel about it!

You can tell them to go and play in their room and you need a break. I have a very talkative 8 year old and sometimes I tell her I need quiet time.
Quite often have to ban talking in the car!

I have a similar 9 year old who loves to tell us every detail of every interaction she had with her friend group that day and unpick eeeevery emotion, and fairly regularly also comes to me wanting to analyse something that happened several years ago that she is still picking over. She takes for flipping ever to get to the point too but I've also seen her taking very little interest in her friends when they want her help to analyse something...

I should say she's the greatest kid and I love her dearly but sometimes you can't put her dramas first when you're dealing with a scrape on another kid's knee and the dinner's burning 😆

A few things we've tried:

• I read a kindle book with her called Life Skills for Tweens which had a really useful bit about active listening and why it's important

• she loves writing stories and making up songs and lyrics which has helped her get her thoughts down on her own- yes, I still have to do the "read my book Mum!" But at least then you can say lovely idea, let's do it as a bedtime story/listening to your latest track after dinner

• my DH has taken to pointing an imaginary remote at her and saying "Skip intro" if she's banging on too long which cracks her up (of course if I do it, she flips her shit 😂 but the humorous approach works for him!)

You sound like a really lovely Mum but I reckon it's ok to start setting more boundaries- she's an age where they're on the hunt for more independence so it might help her to frame it as part of that?

I love this response. Thank you. Skip intro is legendary and I so get it!!!!

One of my mum acquaintances at junior school had a very strict rule at the time, which I thought was super-strict but seemed to work. Her children were about 8 and 10 at the time, and they basically had to go to their bedrooms at 8.30pm so their parents could have quality time in the living room. They were allowed to read and go on devices with an end time obviously, but it allowed the parents to relax downstairs.

They were happy, intelligent children who have done well from what I’ve heard.

I could tell you felt guilty when I was reading it! Nothing to feel guilt about. None of us can give attention to someone else all the time and still be sane 😂

I do this! I want to listen to two songs now without chatting please 😂