Any ideas what to do about this “co parenting “ situation

[JustPlumPombear]

Long story short me and dd dad are separated for 3 months now, so that’s about 12 weekends he’s had ample chances to come see her. We set an agreement that he would come every Sunday ( as he works Monday-sat) ( by choice) and see her then 9-3 every Sundays ( he could come more and stay here with her more he chooses not to!)

each time he’s come if he turns up he’ll stay 1,2 maybe 3 hours and leave
also it has to be at my house… as he lives in a house share. And don’t want her staying there! He’s fine with that of course anyway.
i go out when he comes he could take her out for the day but chooses not too
anyway past few weekends he’s not turned up today for example. Lied that the trains don’t run . I’ve checked and they are: he said he has no money this man makes MINIMUM 4 k a month.! I know This for a fact
he also hasn’t given me a penny for her and I’m only getting uc at the moment and some from self employment and child benefit. I live month to month and go without myself for my child.
basically he plays victim I don’t let him see her but he’s had 100 chances. And doesn’t clearly care to prioritise his daughter over whatever he wants to do in his day off
God I even know of a homeless man who travels hours to see his kids and he hasn’t got much money.
I feel awful for my daughter. Thing is when we was together he was a great dad and I couldn’t fault him on that aspect but it’s like now he’s changed since having an idea of life without a child and he now chooses not to even see her now!
I guess I’m wondering if u can just cut contact, he also isn’t nice to me and insults me constantly I am very amicable to him.

He needs to get himself more suitable accommodation so he has a home for him and his child.
Having to base contact around your ex partners home won't work.

He won’t, he refuses I just don’t know what to do anymore
I mean he doesn’t come half the time anyway but I feel bad for my daughter that’s all

Why haven’t you gone to the CMS to get maintenance? He’s taking the piss. Stop having him see her at yours. Tell him, in writing, she’ll be available for him to collect at 9am on Sunday, or whatever suits, and if he hasn’t arrived by 9:30 you’ll be taking her out. Don’t tell her when he’s meant to be there so she doesn’t get upset when he can’t be arsed to show.

You need and deserve consistency, for your home to be just for you and DD.

This. Lay down the ground rules but in reality you can't force him to see her. He's just another deadbeat dad

You should also apply for maintenance with CMS

Email him, so it's in writing. And keep a copy, you may need it for evidence later.

Outline the current situation and state it isnt working. E.g. We've been separated for three months now and you have opted for time with X between 9-3 every Sunday because of your current work and living arrangements. Unfortunately this hasn't been working out and on X occasions you've been late/left early and on X occasions you havent turned up at all. Additionally, contact with X at my house isnt working, and i do not appreciate XYZ (being verbally insulted or whatever is happening)

As of Sunday 30th November, X will be available for you to collect from my house at 9:30am. If you haven't arrived by 10am, I will continue with my plans for that day. You can return X home at 4pm for dinner/evening routine before school on Monday.

Finally, as you have not contributed towards X in any way since we separated, I will be contacting CMS.

Kind regards

JustPlumPombear

Your plans every Sunday will involve going out at 10am. I suggest those timings because most places don't open til 10 on a Sunday and close at 4. I wouldnt cut contact, that wont be looked on favourably if it ends up in court, but absolutely do not chase him for contact.

Go to CMS, keep a record of offering contact, drop the rope.

You can’t make him care, he simply doesn’t. You can make him pay. No need to ‘cut contact’ because he doesn’t want any anyway.

he gets cash only work and doesn’t declare a penny, will just stress me out I think, nothing phases him. He simply doesn’t care. I’ve messaged him things like that before he’s so immature. she’s only just over a year old so I don’t say daddy to her or anything to not upset her! Just a nightmare as a sad situation

to be honest I think he has a girlfriend and that’s why he doesn’t want to now spend his day off with his child
sad really

Cash only work and doesn’t declare a penny? So he’s either on benefits and this is benefit fraud or he’s self employed and it’s tax evasion. Either way I’d report the twat.

What does he do that gives him 4k a month cash in hand?

Thing is when we was together he was a great dad and I couldn’t fault him on that aspect but it’s like now he’s changed since having an idea of life without a child and he now chooses not to even see her now!

sadly men very often compartmentalise their feelings once they've left the family home and move on in their head. And as you're finding out, he enjoys the fact he can opt out of family life and be carefree.

all you can do is prepare your DD for the fact she can't rely on her father being there every week. It's only fair you don't pull the wool over her eyes.

I bet he has a new girlfriend. Just as well he isn't insisting on having dad at his, it would be very confusing for her. I'd distance yourself.

I knew it would be a ‘cash in hand’ situation from what you said. I don’t know there is much you can do about that without causing him serious issues but you can insist he takes your daughter out of the house on a Sunday rather than having contact with you there!

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I hope it comes right in the end.