Sorry it's so long;
I'm not sure how best to handle this and really would like to do the best for my child ( teenage son) in the middle.
Yet my own wellbeing must come first now after many years of virtually solo parenting, SEN challenges with son and severe physical illnesses coming on ( me) causing me to go to hospital regularly. The illnesses just progress and are severe but not terminal. This is all making me sicker and sicker each day.
Son mainly lives with dad now due to my physical limitations to do it alone a few years ago. If I say nothing, allow son to behave in ways that actually feels abusive to me ( I know this sounds hard to believe, it is however happening) then all is ok.
Son is high functioning Autistic and can be really challenging beyond words for me. He now employs what I can only call gaslighting ( you're crazy, we all think so, dad says you have a MH disorder, you're too sensitive, it's a joke, I didn't do that, you did etc etc,). Saying things I can't cope with anymore. ( I won't go into details but severely misogynist).
I then after a weekend of this would get the ex text me to add on to this behaviour saying things that suggest I am the problem and really underhand nasty digs, weird criticisms about being a bad mother. This being because son has complained about ME being the problem. As if I'm a teenage sibling not his mum.
I tend to have firner boundaries and find out things son has done that ex doesn't. They're not ok and I challenge son. But I'm being' trained' through punishment to just put up with it and shut up. My son now regularly says things and asks me about multiple lies told to him about me ( my ex tells him). These lies are worsening. Son has even asked me why I told his dad that I think son has schizophrenia. I am beyond words here with trying to make son realise this is no way true and never have i said this or thought it! Son was apparently in school upset one day saying ' I don't have schizophrenia!'.
It's too much now to correct this and is really unpleasant a situation that I don't want part of anymore. I feel completely on egg shells with the Autistic teenage son, can't speak because of the ex. Can't defend myself as son has to see me endlessly as the problem, says and does very underhand things that I feel so uncomfortable about. He chooses blind loyalty to my ex. I understand he's a victim here. But there's more to this and I actually fear him and what he could do with enablement from others around him.
My family of origin is exceptionally toxic and manipulative and years of counselling has helped me see i am quite the odd one out. I've distanced as much as is possible but they operate much like this situation I'm describing and would also enable my son. I have an incredibly toxic narcissistic mother and had to cut off older abusive sibling. Son blames me for all of this.
The same situation is now repeating with what feels like abuse from my teenager, my ex, even ex's wife.
My situation with ill health and being alone has really heightened this. It feels as if i am an easy target for incredibly abusive manipulative people close to me. There's no husband or protective figure here to offset these people.
I've tried hard to get help for my sons SEN needs. Ex always blocks it or does nothing at all to try help. It's only denial it feels of his ND status. He does zero to help son yet i am trying endlessly to help. But I'm being punished all round for it. I believe ex has possibly lied or hinted subtley to sons sschool that I have MH illnesses!
Ex has told son I have a MH condition like Munchausen by proxy. Ex has suggested many times in emails that I bought the diagnosis of Autism/ADHD for son for my own benefit. There is zero benefit to me here, zero.
Me trying to encourage any acceptance of further support and offering to pay for it has been aggressively rejected by ex ( eg counselling for son. ADHD meds to try prevent any more suspension and being expelled from school).
I now feel like a prisoner when my son's with me. I feel like a DV victim which sounds so dramatic. Anyone in my situ will know what I mean. He does things only I see. Meltdowns screaming ' you fucking bitch'etc, nasty sly digs and underhand behaviour where in questioning my own bloody sanity.
I can't tell anyone, I'm perpetually gaslit by everyone on this. I want out whilst I'm still able to even care for myself physically. What ' out' looks like - I don't know.
I want to move far away whilst I still can yet feel awful my son's being triangulated. He's vulnerable to such a toxic manipulative father who performs so well. I feel like I abandoned son to him. I had no choice.
It's really not healthy for me as I'm seriously impaired now with health pressures worsening, son is very much determined to believe i am the problem and being told so many lies I just can't correct anymore. He in my opinion has no empathy for me at all also . I believe this has been a long standing problem.
I have no idea where to go here. My sense of wellbeing is so impaired with this that I'm literally in severe fight or flight every time I see my son now.
Anyone been in this position!l? What do you say. I feel like saying nothing when son rolls off the lies. Asks me why I said things I didn't say. I feel the only function I can have is to never speak, drive him and buy him things and nod in agreement. The resentment this brings is almost catastrophic to my health. I'm so overwhelmed by any contact now and hearing lies and manipulation that I virtually fall into the trap of being reactionary. And then ' see, you're crazy'.
I want no more of this. How do you let go.