Where is the joy in parenting

[babywherethehellismysmile]

I’m a single parent to 4 year old twins. They see their Dad every other weekend but everything else is left to me. Wrapping around medical appointments for one DT, a full time job, preschool, bills, keeping a roof over their heads, clothes, food, keeping them entertained etc.

This weekend has been yet another weekend where I’ve tried so hard to make things special but they have behaved atrociously. It’s not helped that I spend the 12 days after they’re with their Dad trying to get them back into routine and out of their reckless behaviour that he doesn’t give a f*ck about because he’s all about fun time Dad.

Meanwhile I get constant tantrums and demands, in between them squabbling or seemingly ganging up on me.

my some miracle I’ve managed to build a good career since their father left when they were a few months old but I’m at my wits end and feel like throwing in the towel. They are disruptive at preschool to the point they are talking about reducing their hours and we are awaiting assessments for additional needs. Both are exceptionally bright but seem to get off on trying to “one up” each other in behaving poorly which has now transferred from home to preschool.

Im at my lowest ebb, im on antidepressants. Any support I have from family is just so that I can work, so hardly a “break”. Their Dad won’t do anymore. Everyone says “Im here for you” but nothing materialises. I feel like I am a complete shell of a person lost between work and motherhood with no joy in any of it.

Ive always been the strong one and the problem solver amongst my familial and friendship groups, yet now I’m on my knees, and I am drowning alone.

I don’t know why I’m posting I just feel like I need to let it all out somewhere.

What you’ve described is incredibly hard work, there’s no doubt about it. You really deserve to commend yourself for the heroic effort that you are putting in. No wonder you feel like you are maxed out, it’s the only likely response to all these demands and pressures.

Is there anything you can do to ease up at work slightly, maybe fewer hours? It wouldn’t be forever, if you enjoy work, but just until the children get slightly easier to manage? Is there anyone in your support network who could look after the children for a couple of hours while you get some time to recharge?

It doesn’t sound like you have much more to give so looking for ways to get a break must be the priority.

Thankyou @delectabletea, even reading your message has brought tears to my eyes. There was a family function this weekend (spanning two days) and despite assurances from my parents and siblings that I’d have help with the twins… when it came down to it, it was me chasing them around, dealing with the tantrums, them running into the kitchen at the restaurant, 5am wake ups and generally taking care of everything while still being expected to be the families go-to for all advice on routes to the venue, WiFi codes, holiday home booking details etc…

I sound like a martyr but really I’m not, I love helping people and am a person who like to “do” but I’m totally maxed out now and it’s so much harder to be all things to all people while taking care of two humans.

I already work compressed hours- full time hours over 4 days. It was thankfully agreed a couple of years ago, but the new exec team don’t like it and there’s some pressure for me to go back to a 5 day working week, so definitely no choice to reduce hours or days. The day off I have off in the week is spent doing laundry, shopping, getting house in order… and if I’m lucky I get to the gym.

You’re definitely doing too much and you need to carve out some slack somewhere. It also sounds like you find it hard to step back from all your responsibilities.

If it was me for instance, I would give up responsibility for helping people get to the venue or provide other organisational assistance. You work full-time and have two demanding young kids - other people can sort themselves out. They shouldn’t expect you to be providing that kind of help, and if they are relying on you, you can gently suggest somebody else could take responsibility for organising because you have your hands full. I would focus on you because you’re at the end of your tether.

If family have offered to help with the children, it can be hard if you’re still around because they will see you as the primary caregiver. They obviously have good intentions so could you take them up on their offers by leaving the children in their care and going elsewhere so you’re not tempted to get involved, to the gym for a walk, for a massage, to see a friend? You definitely need some more self care in there and also to do things that make life worth living, seeing a film or doing whatever hobby you enjoy.
i’m sure you can make incremental small improvements to ease the situation. What about paying someone to come round for a couple of hours to help with laundry/cleaning?
You should also let those closest and most supportive of you know how much you are struggling right now, they will want to help you

The Dad has to pay more CMS so that you don’t need to work as much. He also needs to do pick ups and sickness cover and have them more often.

Special occasions or planned things always end up with minimum special moments and more of what you describe. Sit down to a fun movie with them, or play a game of hide and seek in the house and have a laugh x it’s the small activities that give the most fun and relief!!

Jk987

The Dad has to pay more CMS so that you don’t need to work as much. He also needs to do pick ups and sickness cover and have them more often.

wrong thread? Op works full time

You've done amazing to build a career

You shouldn't have to organise your other family for their weekend away ehy didn't they do that themselves? If they ask for stupid things and you can't help, just ignore them ignore their messages or tell them you can't help. It's obvious you're too busy.

Not an option unfortunately 😔 he pays more than CMS rates (marginally) because I got a financial order as part of the divorce. And he’s been making noises about wanting to reduce that. I’d be willing to take less money from him if he would pick up more time with the kids, but he won’t do that.

Thankyou, it helps to hear this. There’s been a few special moments the past few months (birthdays, family weddings, holidays) and all have left me feeling completely drained and exhausted!

Thankyou, you are right. I need to step back and do less. I’m not who I was when I was child-free with more time and energy at my disposal, and I think people have forgotten this, me too as well to be fair.

at four you are almost through the relentless bit, hang in there and remember it should get significantly easier as time goes on

next year they will be In school, can you pick a larger one where they can be in separate classes?

I have to agree with this, and also with everyone saying that this stage is hard, even parenting as a couple. The fact you have been working full time and dealing with twins from a few months to 4 years on your own, whilst also building your career and dealing with a divorce, shows you are a superwoman.

My suggestion would be to specifically ask your parents, and your siblings for actual help.

"Dad, can you pick the boys up from childcare on Tuesdays please and give them their tea, and put them to bed, so I have one day a week I am not pressured to leave on the dot , and maybe so I can even grab an hour to myself when I'm not 'work mode' or 'Mum'"
etc.

definitely do less. Less housework, less cooking and a lot less helping others especially if they’re not helping you.
Then you spend the rest of the time minimising the opportunity they have to behave badly. So soft play if that wears them out and keeps them occupied for a few hours. or the play park, or long walks with frequent points of interest one of ours has ducks to feed and then ice cream.
push for the assessments/referrals to be done asap
could you send them to different nurseries or a school nursery
It’s a marathon not a sprint and you’ve got to change the way you behave and react to manage them and once you crack it it gets easier.
I haven’t got twins. I’ve one who has send and is really difficult constantly and a younger one, almost the same age as yours who is in the lovely boundary pushing phase so for me it’ll get significantly easier as the younger one gets older. Hopefully for you it will when they go to school.

Can you buy more help for a bit? If someone else did a bit of housekeeping and played with one of the kids whilst you took the other a couple of evenings a week or for a weekend afternoon, I bet you’d be a changed woman. You might be able to find someone at pre school who could help out, and the positive relationship with them could translate back to preschool

Thanks all.

re the school situation- I think I’m too far into the academic year (places are short around here) to look into putting them into different preschools to each other. But their current preschool is linked to the lower school and there’s already a plan for them to be in separate classes when they start at reception. Preschool have noted that when I take DT2 to hospital appointments, DT1 is much better behaved. I think they just feed off of each others energies and don’t have any of that “nervousness” or shyness that other children might have their age because they always have the other one by their side.

Initial assessment with the early years assessment team is coming up, so I’m hoping they have something to help as I’m worrying that reduced hours at preschool will impact hugely on me being able to hold down my job.

My parents do help with the twins after school, but this is only until I finish work, and always at my house… so it never feels like I’m off duty as I switch from work to Mum mode instantly. They rarely have them at their house and have never had them overnight.

I have been looking into getting a cleaner, ironically I have been too busy working to set a date for one I’ve been in contact with to pop round and view the house. But I will prioritise this. Something really has to give. I feel like I am just an empty vessel operating on autopilot and on empty, I can’t remember the last time I belly laughed.

babywherethehellismysmile

I always find you get a few minutes of ‘isn’t cool everyone is together’ and more time of ‘can you stop/ where is/ no, hold on …’🙈

That’s exactly it @Tryingatleast! And other people seem blind/deaf to the carnage that is going on when my two decide to play up… or they just sit back and watch as if to want to see how it all unravels! It puts me off wanting to take my two to anything or do anything special as it just seems to always go the same way. I never thought I’d be this kind of Mum 🥺

babywherethehellismysmile

I turned into this and when my friends met up with their kids I’d just avoid- don’t be me, you all just miss out!

I really feel for you @babywherethehellismysmile. My youngest has AuDHD and it can be hard, I imagine with DTs it’s doubly hard.

I’m the eldest DC myself and the eldest DGC and feel as though I’m the fixer and organiser. I had to step back from this massively though when mine were little. Someone else can and will sort out wifi and book holiday accommodation. Be very clear, you’ve got a lot on and you’re exhausted. The DTs get up at 5am everyday and there is only so much you can do.

If they are diagnosed as having ASD you can ask for them to be prescribed Melatonin which might help with sleep but probably not early waking.

Has the Preschool/HV done referrals for hearing tests, SaLT and Portage?

And have you applied for EHC needs assessment yet? This may be daunting but there are sone wonderfully supportive and knowledgeable MNers in the SN Children section who may be able to help you with that.

The multiple section on MN might be helpful too

Thanks so much @SleafordSods and I’m sorry things have been a struggle for you too.

The meeting with the early years team (through the local authority) and then the assessment is next week. The preschool have already warned me that because there has been a huge wave in referrals the last few years, the twins may not reach the threshold for additional support. They are both very good with vocabulary and when they choose to; will focus. The issue seems to be that when they are together they “egg each other on” which then causes disruption in the preschool setting. On the rare times I have 1-1 time with one of the twins, it’s so much easier, so I can’t argue with the preschool about how challenging it is, and then when they are home it’s only me, so they’re constantly campaigning for my attention…

The school dont get to choose who receives the support though. Don’t let them put you off applying for EHC. We were out off for ages and if I could have my time again i would have pushed much more when I started to realise that DC2 wasn’t quite like theor peers

@babywherethehellismysmile

Could they go to different schools and preschools?

I'd try not to let the LA fob you off. That's easier said than done though.

Are they too old for Homestart help?

@tothelefttotheleftIts not an option unfortunately- preschools around here are oversubscribed and there’s only one lower school where we are, the logistics in the morning of getting them both to preschool before I start work are already a challenge without having to travel to different places 🫣

Homestart don’t operate here. I remember looking into it when they were much younger and we fall outside of their operating area. A shame as I have a twin Mum friend who lives nearby and I know they were a great help.

Thanks re the local authority- I’ll push for any support I can get 🙏🏼