DD anxiety about going to her dad’s house

[Confuzzleduzzled]

Exh and I divorced when DDs were 4 and 2. They are now 16 and 14. He moved 4 hours drive away to be with his new partner (now wife) and her 2 DDs.

He stays locally to us with his family 1 night a week, so has the girls overnight then. He used to have them over a weekend at his house this but it was too disruptive for them so he now just has them about half of each school holiday.

DD1 has developed awful anxiety about going to visit in the last 6 months. It coincided with revising for her GCSE mocks and a trip they took with their dad that was even further away. She has also developed anxiety about eating out in restaurants and going to one of her hobbies. And she has anxiety about being sick but her anxiety causes her to feel sick so it’s a vicious cycle.

ExH is being somewhat sympathetic. She didn’t go up to visit during half term and also skipped another weekend trip. She now feels under huge pressure to go up at Xmas. He keeps telling her all the exciting things her has planned and how much everyone is looking forward to seeing her. She doesn’t mind actually being there. She likes her step sisters but she misses having her own space and it messes with her social life, and she can’t get over the anxiety of getting there. She is also worried that they will be eating at restaurants whilst she is there as they often do that as a treat.

She is having therapy but I’m not sure it’s helping. It has helped with smaller things that give her anxiety and she now has a breathing technique that helps if she feels an an anxiety attack coming on. However I don’t think this will work with the Xmas trip.

I don’t know how to help her. Her dad is trying to be helpful but she perceives any mention of it as either a dig or more pressure. He mentions it every time he speaks to her.

We can’t split up the journey or go by train or have me drive halfway and I’m not convinced any of that would help much anyway.

Any advice or ideas on how to help her or ways she could help herself would be appreciated.

If she would still like to see her dad, but doesn’t feel up for making the trip, he should be putting in the effort to come to her more. He can pop down a couple times a month, stay with family and do things with her that don’t involve eating out: a games night, doing for a walk, cinema, just sitting around chatting. It’s important that she spends time with him (if she enjoys it), but it doesn’t have to be a big production.

For her, look into solution focused hypnotherapy. It can be very effective at treating this sort of anxiety and there are lots of therapists who specialise in working with young people.

Thanks for replying @mindutopia
She has tried asking him to
spend more time here but he says that his home is there and that it’s also her 2nd home so she should go there.
I hadn’t thought of hypnotherapy but my younger DD had it for phobias so it’s worth a try.

She is 16, she doesn’t have to go.

I know but she doesn’t want to disappoint him. She already feels very guilty about it all.