Advice on realistic timeframes for contact with my boy please.

[MattyF187]

Hi everybody. Could I please get some advice on realistic timeframes and methods for contact with my boy? I am a first time parent so I'm not sure how this works and would just like some real lived examples of what worked for you personally. Unfortunately the mother and I are no longer on speaking terms due to things turning extremely toxic and I'm really worried about how I am going to bond with my son over the first three months of his life. She has never stated she will deny me access but she has also lied to me about some really important stuff recently so the trust is in pieces here. He's due in March so I really want to be ready for whatever happens by then.

I know babies don't really leave their mothers side over the first three months but would it be acceptable to get a couple of hours with him three or four times a week? Maybe my Mum who my ex gets on with could pick him up and bring him to me for a little while? How would any mothers here feel about that? Do you have any better suggestions?

After three months I'd like to increase the hours a bit, take him on solo afternoons out, visit family etc and then after 6 months I'd like to start slowly filtering in sleepovers until we eventually reach the 50/50 point. I know every baby will be different and we have things like breastfeeding, baby's temperament, and sleep schedules to take into consideration so this process could take longer than I have laid out here but am I in the ballpark of realistic?

Any advice here would really help. Any pointers towards the best organization to help with this in the UK would also really help too. Thank you.

Good luck! I’m not an expert but when I was breastfeeding I couldn’t really be apart from my babies for more than about 90 minutes before they wanted food in the first few months. Also the timings for that could be unpredictable - a feed could take 10 minutes or it could take an hour, so “I’ll come at 3pm for 90 minutes” could be tricky. Once they’re on solids it’s a lot easier but just to let you know it’s not easy to schedule a newborn.

It would be better if you could pick your son up.

My DH used to take DS for walks in a sling. I’m sure the close contact helped them bond.

If she's breastfeeding for a year or so then obviously that will impact on your plans for when he's 6m.

Tbh you need to work on your communication as the baby's safety and well-being should be your priority, which will need communication.

You are going to be in each other's lives while your child grows up so you absolutely need to be able to talk. I'm a bit concerned that you haven't really clocked this.

Don't expect sleep schedule to be consistent for the first year at the very least. You are going to have to be open to learning about this stuff, including from the mother.

Of the people I knew with such small children they visited in the mother’s home for an hour a couple of times a week. Less easy if you don’t get on now.

However there’s no way a breastfeeding mother is going to let you take the baby away from its food source, or take such a small baby out of her sight I imagine, it’s not like you can just pop a bottle in if baby gets hungry - and I say that as someone who did bottle feed and those 3 minutes where both my babies were absolutely losing their shit because they were hungry unexpectedly or wanted another bottle 30 minutes after the last were pretty frequent and awful.

Personally I’d work on doing whatever you both need to to get to a point in the relationship where you both would feel contactable with you visiting the baby at home, ask for 3/4 visits a week but don’t expect them to be 2 hours at first. I would ask her what she thinks visitation would look like in those first 3 months and work from there.

I couldn’t be apart for more than 60 minutes from my baby and when they were cluster feeding it was less. I would have been distressed and more importantly baby would have been distressed at going away for several hours 3 or 4 times a week.
At 6m is she’s still breastfeeding there’s a very high chance sleepovers will not be possible.

it’s a very difficult situation, ofc it’s great you want to see your child but I’m not convinced this plan is in their best interests. I’d suggest what would actually be helpful to your child is rather than each worrying what you’re going to get. Is that you go to individual therapy and you and your ex do some sort of mediation or therapy together so that you can find yourselves in a less toxic place.

Thanks for the replies everybody. Unfortunately I don't think there is any way we will be able to work it out without outside help. We broke up earlier this year before we knew she was pregnant. I tried to make it work but it just got toxic beyond belief. His mother is extremely erratic, volatile, and down right despicable at times. (lied about hospital visits with supposed pain and bleeding just to hurt me) so I really don't think we will be able to efficiently co-parent. It makes me so sad knowing I'll miss so many moments but I guess I will have to be patient. I've already decorated and filled his nursery here so I will be ready. Does anybody have any recommendations on the best place to start with outside help in the uk?

Thinking of you & wishing you all the utmost very best with your Beloved Baby Boy💚🤗💚So lovely
I'm sure everything will work out just fine for you & just the very fact you've posted such a compassionate kind caring comment, shows you wish for the best for Your Sweet Son 😇
Lovely that your Mum gets on well with Mum of your precious Child too
All seems immensely promising
God Bless You All 💚👶💚

You need to be more realistic. Whatever happened, is in the past. Be civil and visit at her home.

If she is breastfeeding, you won't be able to take baby away for a few hours for a long, long time. At 6 months, the absolute max I could be away was 2 hours. Breastfed babies don't eat on a schedule and eat very frequently. They are glued to their mum. At 9 months, they'll likely be established on solids so you can take them for the afternoon.

Mine is 15 months and I haven't been away from him overnight yet. I work full time, have been since he was 6 months, and he has a wonderful nanny that he adores. But he still wants me all the time and gets anxious if he doesn't see me much in a day. This is normal. They get attached to their primary caregiver.

So you need to cooperate with the mum. Whatever feelings you have, get over them. The way to see your child in the first 6-9 months will likely be at her house.

Even if she's formula feeding, baby shouldn't be away from her for more than a few hours.

You need to not think of the baby as an item with shared ownership, like a hoodie or a Nintendo Switch, that you want to get your turn with.

It will be a unique third person - like you and the mother are - with its own unique routine, emotions and needs. You will need to both fit in around these in the shared effort to keep the child secure, firmly attached (to both of you) and with all physical and emotional needs met. For at least the first year the baby will also change frequently so as soon as you start to get the hang of one pattern of needs they will shift and you need to work out how to meet them all over again.

Flexibility, not being focused on separating the baby from the mother (which will distress them both), and "little but often" visits are the way forward.

I think you need to focus on what’s in front of you and not get caught up on what’s in 6 months or a year.

Initially, an hour or two a week. You can float the idea of you coming to her house to spend that time (I know I really would not feel comfortable in the same house as someone I was in a dysfunctional relationship with), or she brings your son to your house, drops him off for an hour, has a coffee and collects him. If neither of those situations are possible, arrange a contact centre.

Unless she is keen to arrange something privately, I would go the legal route to have something set in stone. Time goes very fast when they are little and I would not sit around on this.

Also, take the high road and make sure you aren’t messing her about (even if she’s awful). Make sure you’re paying the max in child maintenance and ask her each week what she needs. It might be nappies and wipes. She may end up formula feeding. In which case, make sure you know which one she uses and bring a tub every week. That way you know you always did right by your son and made sure he was provided for, even if she isn’t pleasant. She’s doing the job of caring for your son so you want to make that as easy as possible, whatever other stuff you have between you.

it would not be reasonable to separate a baby from their mother until at least 6 months.
feeding times are erratic and babies feed on demand whenever they’re hungry. Realistically this can be every 5 minutes on some days!
please do whatever you can to make sure you are supporting the new mum. It will not go well if you try and force separation between mum and baby.

In the first 3 months I don’t think taking him to someone else’s house for a couple of hours 3-4 times a week is not going to work. It wouldn’t have with my dc anyway. They were clingy and bf and dc 1 fed frequently.

You’ve had some good suggestions- letting mum drop baby to a neutral place like your mums and she goes for a coffee nearby. Or maybe you take baby for a walk in the pram. Or maybe you and your mum visit hers.

I don’t think you’re going to be able to plan this as rigidly as you would like. Certainly not in the first few weeks. Trying to timetable contact with a newborn is a recipe for disaster.

As impatient as you understandably are, I’d start off very gently trying to work around mum and baby on an ad hoc basis before you move towards a routine. I think that will come with time.

Thank you everybody these posts have been really helpful. I'll make sure I contribute throughout and have everything ready my end for when I can bring him home for playtime and eventually overnights. Lots of patience and calm before then and hopefully we'll get the time to bond properly. It's honestly a disaster. I always desperately wanted to be a dad but it never happened and at 43 years old I had given up on the idea. Then life throws me a miracle in amongst an absolute s**t show. I'm sure theres a divine message in there somewhere right?!

Could you meet somewhere like a cafe, so you can have contact with the baby and she can be nearby without having to be together too much?

I wouldn’t have wanted my baby sleeping over night before 12 months.

I have known grandmothers facilitate contact like you suggest.

I think you're being quite naive. You're not even on speaking terms, she's hardly going to hand her newborn to you or your mother to take home to your nursery. If you're not going to be able to coparent, you're likely going to need a court order, which takes time and money, and judges don't separate breastfeeding mothers and babies.

The most sensible thing you can do is to try and make peace with her and establish as friendly relationship as you can, and hope you can visit the baby in her home. Because otherwise, I wouldn't expect to see much if anything of him.

Yes completely concur with you
Your Divinest Message & Miracle Is The Most Precious Gift In The World You Could Ever Wish For - Being Brilliantly & Beautifully Blessed With Your Beloved Baby 💚👶💚

… also “lied about hospital visits - just to hurt me”. Who do you think you’re kidding.

Why do you keep making the first letter of each word a capital letter?

@MattyF187

My advice would be:

• Take a parenting course. Read up on child development. Find out what they need on the first 3/6/9 months. Be the best parent you can be.

• Speak to a solicitor or the CAB or research yourself what the process is/what you're rights and responsibilities are re. financial support, contact etc.

• Work on taking a minute between having a thought/feeling and acting on it and in that moment thinking 'is this best for me or for my son'. That's hard work for all new parents, but is essential if you're to become a good parent. For example, you might really want to spend Christmas Day with your son, but is it actually in his best interests to have to pack his suitcase and move from one house to the other halfway through Christmas day...or is it best you deal with the pain of Christmas without him and let him have a lovely day at home. It's easiest for you to write his mother off as a toxic nightmare who you can't deal with, but it's almost certainly best for your son for his parents to be on speaking terms. Do what you can to make this work. Offer an olive branch where you can. For example, it's all well and good you having a fully stocked nursery at your house, have you offered to buy a cot/buggy/nappies etc for her house, where he'll spend most of his time?

• In terms of early contact, little and often will be the best approach for your son. How much the mother will approve this or how practical it is I don't know. But for him it will be less than an hour at a time (particularly is he's breastfed), but as regularly as possible, at least daily. If you were together the ideal approach would be that she feeds and then rests while you change his nappy, have some skin to skin contact, settle him, then hand over for the next feed. Aim to get as close to this as you can (realistically this might not be very close at all).

Wow.... Thanks for you input but I think I'll side with the 20gb of messages and photos I have saved from moments like when she slammed a door in my face so hard it made my nose bleed then threatened abortion once I was 20 seconds up the road. What a lovely day that was.

Regardless, since we broke up I have decorated her house, supplied her with shopping and maternity gear, gave emotional support and made it abundantly clear I am there if she needs anything. She has thrown it away and been vile at every single turn. She is the one making it impossible not me. Maybe get some context before making assumptions. Your comments just reek of man hate if I'm honest.

Thank you so much for such a detailed and thoughtful response. So much to take on board! This is great and I will absolutely look into all this:)

Why Not? Is It Hurting You?