Crazy mix of living with in laws, overly anxious partner and being a full time parent!

[Tokyo5]

Hi everyone, I’d really appreciate some advice on this situation. Long rant!

My partner and I are currently living with his parents while caring for our 6-month-old baby. I had reservations about living with them even before the baby arrived, and those feelings have only intensified, especially since we’ve only been married for a year. His mother does give me space, but she’s very overbearing and anxious about everything related to our little one.
I’m a stay-at-home mum and I devote all of my time and attention to caring for our baby. Despite this, my partner constantly messages me from work about the baby’s schedule, telling me I’m doing things wrong or insisting I follow routines that suit his parenting style. It’s become overwhelming—nonstop instructions and criticism about how I care for our child.

Recently, he even created a detailed daily schedule for me to follow until he gets home from work, down to specifying exactly what solid foods I should be giving the baby. Another incident that really upset me was during his mother’s birthday—our little one was calmly sitting on my lap, happily playing, and as soon as my husband walked in, he insisted that he should put the baby to sleep because he “looked tired.” I felt so stressed that I ended up excusing myself from the gathering and taking the baby upstairs. All of this has led to constant arguments between us, and he always tries to make me feel guilty by saying his parents can hear us—mind you, he’s 41 years old. 🙃

I’m honestly exhausted from the lack of privacy living with my in-laws, my husband’s micromanagement and constant surveillance, and the overall stress of being a full-time parent. Not being able to drive yet adds even more pressure because it limits my independence so much.

I’ve told him that I’m not looking to build more of a relationship beyond what’s necessary for our baby’s wellbeing, since that he is all that he is focused on, so we should at least make that part positive. I also started giving him a taste of his own behaviour—if I don’t agree with certain things he does, like letting the baby sleep on his chest on the sofa every morning, I point it out just like he does to me. But suddenly, he doesn’t like it when the criticism is directed at him!

Can anyone relate? Or give any advice? 🙃

I hope no one can relate, your partner sounds psychotic and extremely abusive. Where are your parents? Being a SAHM, unmarried, not driving, living with his parents, makes you so incredibly vulnerable, you’ve got to get out.

Do you see your family and/or have any friends? Are you younger than him?

Yes, it feels like I’m married to a complete psycho at times. He’s 13 years older than me, and I moved countries, back to the UK, giving up my job and my independence to marry him. I will always question this decision now. Our relationship was great before the baby, but I fell pregnant just a month after we got married last year, and I didn’t get the chance to continue learning to drive.

My parents live 30 minutes away. I’m independent in the sense that I can go out or do what I want without him questioning me, but I’m still very limited because I’m the one caring for the baby while he’s at work, and I don’t have the resources to structure a routine that’s truly my own. I’m focusing on learning to drive only when I visit my parents and can leave the baby with my mum, which I’m much more comfortable with than leaving him with my overly anxious MIL. Even to go to the gym which is far from us I have to wait for him to get back home to take me because I just don’t want to leave the baby alone at home with my mil to go myself. It really is so difficultly constricted for me and him so hyper-fixated on how I follow our baby’s routine has really become too much for me.

Why are you living with your in-laws?

I’d go absolutely crazy as a SAHM in the house with my in-laws all day.

If you’re only 30 minutes from your parents, why not start spending more days there?

why are you living with his parents?

I think that's the central question here that you need to answer and why did you agree to it?

Are you planning on moving out in the future and have your own space?

Why is a 41 year old man unable to house his own family?

He has always lived with his parents, and I think that became a real problem after I gave birth. His mother became very overbearing with her “help,” constantly getting involved in everything related to my care and being extremely protective over the baby. There were also moments where his father accidentally walked in on me breastfeeding, so we eventually had to start having him knock on the living room door because he loves cuddling the baby so much.

Another issue was the constant visits from his extended family—almost every other weekend—to see the baby. It became overwhelming because I didn’t know whether I was supposed to entertain guests or focus on looking after the baby. I should also mention that this is an Indian family dynamic, so I think certain cultural expectations played a role too, like frequent visits, gift-giving, and everyone wanting to meet the baby.

All of this made me even more desperate to move out, and I told him I needed a clear timeline. His initial response was, “Why do you want to move out? My parents are always here to help and my mum is always trying to support you.” But I’ve stayed firm on this issue, and now he has finally agreed that we’ll move out next year around mid-year. So let’s see.

I’ll definitely be spending more days at my parents’ house with the baby, but I also feel pressured because I don’t want them to worry about my marriage or the added stress of caring for a newborn. Both of my parents work, and my mum’s schedule is unpredictable since her days off vary each week. Now, I’ve started asking her a week in advance to let me know which weekdays she’ll be free, so I can plan around that.

Recently, I stayed with them for two nights after my husband yelled at me so loudly over something so small. The situation wasn’t even about the fruit itself—it started with him doing the baby’s breakfast routine like he normally does, and I usually don’t interfere. This one time, I asked him to purée some mango, Sharon fruit, and melon so the baby could have it with his usual porridge. When I came back to the kitchen, he hadn’t used any of the fruits I mentioned. Instead, he used something else. When I asked why, he said he couldn’t find the fruits in the fridge. I let that go, but then I asked why he filled the bowl all the way to the top to the point it was overflowing and difficult to carry without spilling.

He suddenly snapped raising his voice extremely loud and making exaggerated hand gestures - apparently because he thought I was giving him “crazy eyes” when asking him the question. I told him to drop me off at my parents’ house. We talked about it on the way there but he just wouldn’t see my point about it being unacceptable to lose it to that extent, and I ended up crying, explaining how overwhelmed I feel trying to accommodate all of his preferences, yet when I ask for something simple, he doesn’t do it.

I’ve asked him about this several times, but honestly, I don’t have any control over or access to his banking information. I have no idea how much he personally earns from running the family business or what’s actually in his own account. All of his finances are shared with the family since it’s a family-run business. I was given his Amex, but whenever a secure key code is required, it goes straight to his phone, so I always have to ask him - I have no access to any banking card information or account of the card I was given by him. Essentially, I have no real sense of his financial situation or whether he’s capable of fully supporting his own family—me, his wife, and our baby. Is that my problem to worry about though? No. He needs to find a way because next year is when he’s said we will be moving out!

I feel like I’m going absolutely crazy living with them! I often feel like an outsider. His parents are just like him—constantly asking about the baby’s schedule and how much he’s slept. Their conversations and interactions with the baby usually happen when I’m in another part of the house. I don’t necessarily expect to be included in every discussion, but when it comes to our baby, it concerns me. Now, I don’t hesitate to butt in when I overhear my husband talking about the baby with his parents, even though he doesn’t seem to like it—and honestly, I don’t care. He has a younger sister who lives independently with her husband and kids, so maybe he could take her as a role model. I suppose that’s hard to do when you’re a 41 year old man who still has his boxers cleaned and neatly folded into your drawer everyday by your mother.

It frustrates me even more that I have to attend family functions around cousins who have spoken badly about me behind my back. He’s never stood up for me, and he even sends them pictures of our son without including me, which only reinforces that he won’t defend me. Christmas is always spent at his parents’ house, which feels so unfair. I’d much rather host at our own home or have a quiet celebration with people I actually enjoy being around. This year, my MIL called my mum and insisted that they come over to spend our baby’s first Christmas together—but did she tell me directly? No! I only found out because my own mum told me about the plans, which was beyond aggravating.

His family is huge, while mine is very small, so having our own space and sense of freedom without constantly thinking about everyone is important to me. I want to be able to plan and enjoy celebrations in a way that feels comfortable and joyful, without constantly having to fake a smile or cater to everyone else!

@AnneLovesGilbert Yes, it feels like I’m married to a complete psycho at times. He’s 13 years older than me, and I moved countries, back to the UK, giving up my job and my independence to marry him. I will always question this decision now. Our relationship was great before the baby, but I fell pregnant just a month after we got married last year, and I didn’t get the chance to continue learning to drive.
My parents live 30 minutes away. I’m independent in the sense that I can go out or do what I want without him questioning me, but I’m still very limited because I’m the one caring for the baby while he’s at work, and I don’t have the resources to structure a routine that’s truly my own. I’m focusing on learning to drive only when I visit my parents and can leave the baby with my mum, which I’m much more comfortable with than leaving him with my overly anxious MIL. Even to go to the gym which is far from us I have to wait for him to get back home to take me because I just don’t want to leave the baby alone at home with my mil to go myself. It really is so difficultly constricted for me and him so hyper-fixated on how I follow our baby’s routine has really become too much for me.

You need to find yourself a place to live and get out. Go to your parents or find a place to rent. I understand that you feel vulnerable and have no access to his money, but you are a grown woman with a child. Presumably you have savings of your own but if not, it sounds like you have supportive parents so go to them to livr there and find a job. I was back at work full time at 6 months, it's not great but sometimes we have to do what needs to be done.

You are too passive in all this. Get your child out of that toxic atmosphere.

You need a plan to get out. This won’t change.

In the meantime, find your voice. “I’m baby’s mother, I will decide on our routine, thanks very much.” “You don’t get to tell me what to do, we are equal adults” etc etc.

Speak to your health visitor or someone at a Sure Start centre. This is not normal or reasonable behaviour.

Oh my god OP, you need to get out of this situation so very fast. Your parents are 30 minutes away. Simply leave, go back to them and file for divorce.

You are in horribly abusive territory where you are at risk of losing access to your child with enmeshed in laws (who will try to break your bond with your child) and a psycho husband who (i) doesn’t provide a home for you, (iI) controls your relationship with your child and (iii) destabilized your entire life to be with him. Run. Run. Run. Speaking from very similar experience. You will find that his mother will become the full time carer for your child when he goes for full custody and then alienates you. It is textbook - don’t ignore this.

How long had you known this man? He was living with his parents at the age of 40 when you met him and he's from a different cultural background. A culture which is well known for the involvement of extended family. I must admit, there were quite a few red flags that you seem to have ignored. Or are you of Indian heritage too? Anyway, the major problem is without doubt your DH. Your in-laws and their family are only behaving in the normal cultural way. I wouldn't hold your breath about getting your own home next year OP.