shouting/screaming at babies and preschoolers......your opinions please

[micci25]

my dp has quite a short fuse at times, atm he is off work and therefore spending a lot more time with the dd's.

dd1 is four, dd2 is tweleve months. it seems to me like he is contstantly screaming at them, more at dd1 than dd2, although it has been known that he shouts at dd2 to "shut up" because he has a headache!!!

dd1 gets shouted at for being over excited, dancing and jumping around, playing with noisy toys, not listening first time, being rough with dd2, well it seems to me like she is shouted or screamed at for anything other than sitting quietly on a chair watching tv

after speaking to him about the shouting at her for dancing he explained it is because our floorboards arent brilliant, which is true and doesnt dd1 know that she will fall through them?! she is four as far as she is concerned the ground is under the floor. plus if that was the reason do you really need to scream at the top of your voice? why not just calmly say 'dd1 the floor is not safe there can you dance on this side of the room isntead?'

i have asked to get some help with his temper he thinks this isnt neccessary.

i am sure that screaming in this way is bad developmentally for the child, but i dont have any evidence on this. i have studied a level psychology and know that there is evidence that says positive reinforcement is best but surely there are studies out there about shouting/screaming too?

please can all you mnetters help me explain to him how bad this behavior is? he might listen to an outside opinion. please dont be too nasty i am planning on showing him this, and he is a good dad in that he does care a lot for both dds and i am sure he would never intentionally hurt them.

i have been known to shout at my two boys too much - its something i definitely am always working on. I generally shout to get thier attention before they kill each other - but i know its not right.

kids learn behaviours - i dont want my children shouting at each other other peoplle and me so i do my best not to show them this bahaviour in the first place.....but i do slip up.

ask him if he wants her to react like that to her friends and family - because she will if he doesnt stop.

yes i shout too at dd1 when is not listening, im too also try not too. but it is hard when she wont listen..

dd1 put your shoes on we are going out
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dd1 put on your shoes please
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dd1 will you please put on your shoes, they are over there look
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DD1 WILL YOU PUT YOU SHOES ON!!!
why are shouting at me mummy?

i just think that his shouting is eccessive. she is four years old she has a right to play. it seems a lot of the time like he expects her to be seen but not heard. although he denies this.

v true. i never tell mine off for playing - even noisily because they are chidren - they do want to dance around etc.

i wonder if this behaviour was earnt from his parents??.....

creaming at a 12mo is totally out of order.

Our neighbour shouts at his children all the time, it is so sad. You never hear him praise his children, just constant, "Oh, FGS, what have you done now?!"

The problem is that children copy our behaviour and the children get louder and stroppier all the time.

Plus, they never hear their father praising them, they only get his attention when they are being "naughty" so they have no incentive to behave better.

Perhaps he could find another outlet for his frustration. Is he off work because he is ill? Could he do some kind of sport?

Another way of letting off steam (the DCs and your DH) is to have an hour at a playarea/park/playign football.

Noone is saying that you must never ever shout at your DCs, it is normal to lose the rag sometimes. But if it is the only communication then it is not good for the DCs.

he is off work as he is taking time to renovate his own house. but he cant do a lot there without my dad being there to help him, and he isnt turning up a lot, so i think that he is fustrated at that.

he is also saying that he is feeling really stessed and tired atm. but to me that isnt a good wnough excuse to be shouting the way he does at the dc's. to be fair he has only shouted at dd2 a few times.

i think his dad was quite strict as far as i know, but unfortunately he lost his dad before i met him, i dont think his dad was particulalrly shouty, but he was his mums blue eyed boy and still is. he was very spoilt and babied as far as i can tell. even his mum is shocked sometimes at the way he shouts so i dont think that it is learned

I was a well-practiced shouter (and still have my moments) until I worked out that often lowering my voice will have much more of an impact. It takes some working on, but if you get the pitch just right the kids suddenly stop and pay attention.

And after 4 DCs, I have also eventually worked out that explaining why they need to stop doing something makes it much more likely that they won't do it again. "Because I said so" just isn't enough for an intelligent, curious 4 year old, but if you can explain how/why its dangerous or whatever then you've actually taught them something useful.

Just keep remembering that they will only ever be 4 and 1 once in their lives and that they have a right to enjoy themselves and have fun. My oldest is 20 - sometimes it seems like the blink of an eye since he was a noisy 4 year old. They grow up so quickly - just enjoy it while you can. You only get one chance at this.

Well I'm sorry but I think his behaviour sounds like bullying. It's horrible to shout at a child just for behaving normally as a child. Yes I too sometimes shout at my children, usually when I've asked them to do something 6 times and they still haven't done it, but to shout at them because they are children and you can't be arsed to engage with them? Vile. If he's worried about the floorboards, he should bloody well fix them, or not allow the children in a room where the floorboards aren't safe. Sounds like he's taking his frustrations out on his kids - not fair, not adult, and not good parenting. Sorry. I hope you can convince him.

he would fix the floorboards but it is not our house it is rented and the landlord appears to think they are fine. floorboards can be expensive and im moving soon so am reluctant to pay for them myself.

we only have one living room so keeping them out of that room isnt really an option. but dd1 only weighs two stone so am sure they are not that dangerous to her.

but yes you are right he rarely engages in playing with them, but this is because he is trying to work a lot on his house. i am sure he would have a much better relationship with dd1 if he spent more time with her. a few weeks ago he took out the front to play footy and she was over the moon she still talks about it now.

he has redeemed himself slighty this morning fixing dd1s drawing board after she got pennies stuck in it. so he back to being the apple of her eye again. i just want him to be like that with her a lot more than he is.

we started renovating our house when we moved in, ds1 was 16mths and ds2 5months, my dh also have a full time 70hr/wk job - its not an excuse. you just have to divide your time.

hope it gets sorted out.